Category: Religious Rantings

“John Daker’s going to sing a song that’s popular now-a-days, it’s called Christ the Lord is Risen Today to Claim the Souls of all Those Devil Worshipping Faggots.”

Remember a couple entries ago when I sort of defended the united methodist church? I said if you have to have the mental illness of religion, then pick being a methodist as it is essentially the lesser of all the evils? Well, I take it back. Turns out they are just as awful as the rest of ’em. Turns out the church has reaffirmed its stance that homosexuals are not people, that they are not welcome in the church because they are abominations… well their words were a bit more subtle, but the message is all the same. How did they word it? Oh right, homosexuality is “incompatible with Christian teaching”, that’s right. How wonderfully tender of them… and how patronizing.

Know what this “christian teaching” includes? Women must be quiet (1 Timothy 2:12). Slave owning is acceptable (1 Peter 2:18). FYI: These first two are from what methodists refer to as the kinder and gentler new testament. If you lie you die (Zechariah 13:3 NAB). I mean every fucking chapter in this awful waste of trees talks about god killing, maiming, being jealous, and razing the earth with natural disasters, especially if gays live there. So basically if you beat your wife, beat your slave to within an inch of his life, take an eye for an eye, and kill those who disagree (like fags), then that petulant toddler god you worship will love you and save your wicked and warped soul… and I haven’t even touched the countless other wonderful humanist teachings stuffed in there. The good book indeed.

This one book, printed more than any other, has done irreparable damage to the progression of human civilization. If it had never existed, who knows how great and advanced our civilization would be.

I used to think methodists didn’t think this way, but it turns out they do. They are horribly mutated and malignant antitheses of humanity. They have suddenly joined the ranks of great anti-intellectuals like frothy discharge, Mitt “the bully” Romney, Republicans, and every single idiot that believes prayer will fix even the simplest god-damned thing. Turns out the joke’s on these methodist idiots though, because as I’ve said before, Jesus was definitely gay. Oh yes, christian stupor soldiers, if he were alive today he’d be having a ball in Rio every year. I mean for Christ’s sake, Christ hung out with twelve sweaty men in the desert eating olives, bread, oil, fish and drinking home made wine. I bet Jesus was a master host, don’t you think? Seriously, what do you think they did that whole time, talk about their feelings? That can only entertain for so long. If he existed and if he were alive today, he’d be ashamed of every single mother fucker that dares call themselves christian in his name. These people care not for the well being of their fellow humans, only garnering more jewels for their crowns by “saving” souls. Christians in all forms are wicked beings disguising themselves as kind and caring citizens. It’s a travesty. It’s sadistic. It’s wicked beyond compare. It would be like an anti-semitic, racist creating an entertainment empire aimed at children. No one can possibly get away with that shit for very long.

Methodist idiots of the world, gather around this symbol of torture and oppression. Spread god’s word like ebola! Torture the non-believers as the Romans tortured their subjects! Smite the incompatible homos! Oh, and Praise the lord!

I shouldn’t be surprised at all of this, but I am. I guess it’s because I was raised methodist, because my parents were actually kind and welcoming methodist pastors who stood with open arms to embrace all people, no matter the color of their skin, the shade of their history, or the benign desires of their heart. I always thought the united methodist church was one of the good guys, that they had humanity’s best interests at heart. I was so desperately wrong. You know, even though I cut the church out of my life long ago in order to save my withering soul, my dead methodist pastor father taught me well what he thought being a christian means. It means caring for those less fortunate. It means loving this earth that we are on for such a short time and leaving it better than we found it. It means sacrificing yourself for the betterment of humanity as a whole, not one tiny insignificant segment. Now I don’t call myself a christian. I never have and I never will. It’s insulting to me and worse, it’s one of the most misleading, disingenuous and dangerous labels in all of human history. But you know what? I am far more “christian” than any christian alive and that is something I can take great pride in. I caught them in their lies. I beat them at their own game. I am far more worthy of an imaginary soul saving than any of them. Sure, I won’t turn the other cheek (not that they really do) and I would most definitely kill to defend those I love. I even antagonize, belittle, and attack the ignorant, racist, and dangerous (i.e. religious followers, republicans, etc.) in our midst. Of course some would say all of these behaviors counter my humanist convictions, but they don’t. They actually strengthen those convictions because unlike christians, I desire that humanity survives and even thrives through this darkening age that we have entered. Because as I’ve said many times before, we can and we should and we must do better than we are doing, otherwise who gives a fuck about our petty “souls”. They aren’t worth a fucking shit anyway. Religion prohibits this advancement, it refuses to allow us to progress beyond our feeble egocentrism. And for that I reject it in its entirety. You know what? My dead methodist pastor father would be quite proud. Sturm: 1. Christians: 0.



“Jesus Christ, finally, some peace and quiet. Matt, Mark, and Luke were driving me nuts. ‘We can’t wait to write about all this!’ they kept shrieking. ‘We can’t wait!’ Idiots will probably totally take my shit out of context. I think the only one of those assholes I’ll miss is Judas. How fucked is that? Hey guard! I’m tappin’ out. Spear me, bro!”


Ladies and gentlemen! Introducing the one, the only, the great king of the catholics, leader of the ME world, Pope Benedict XVI, Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger. (Psst! FYI, this asshole outright supported the gassing of jews. Just sayin’.)

Is anyone else bored? I am. Yup, I’m dead bored dames and dudes. No, not by my constant pleas for human decency. Shit, certainly not by my incessant drum banging about how we can and should and must strive to be better people. Dammit, of course not about how we are all an integral part of this incredible compression of stardust orbiting one tiny isolated star orbiting one of millions, perhaps even billions of super massive black holes within our known universe. And no, fuck you if you think I’m talking about how terribly wretched and horribly inconsequential and utterly useless Republie/cons and their teabagger leeches are. No, fuck those assholes that mean little more than the piss soaked litter mashed between my cat’s toes. No, what I’m talking about is the real bullshit that plagues humanity, the plague to end all plagues, the mental illness that affects well over 3 billion unfortunate souls within this tiny, insignificant world. Religion.

Surprise, right? The fact that I hate religion that is. Bet you didn’t know that, did you? Nah, it’s true I hate it. I hate it with all my sole. Sorry assholes, I didn’t misspell anything. I am indeed talking about the bottom part of my shoe that gathers dust, dirt, and dog shit because that is far more useful than my “soul”, an imaginary bullshit idea created by religious right-tards like Kooky Kleefisch and Frothy Discharge and especially that fucking mega-asshole boy-fucker of a Hitler Youth Pope Eggs Benedict the XVI. What an asshole Joe is. Fuck him. Someone warn that worthless space jew Padme Amidala!

Only the finest and bravest of souls are welcome in Jesus’s imaginary army. Onward brainwashed soldiers!

It’s shocking, isn’t it? I know. Take a breath though and bear with me for a moment.  I’m a man with an open mind. No, I really am. You see, I abhor ALL ideas of religion and supposed enlightenment that accompanies this word no matter what subscription of this shitty magazine the deluge of the dim have purchased from that poor door to door gentleman. Don’t believe me? Go read the long back log of my fucking blahging grandiosity. I’ve never apologized, and I never will for my intolerance of religion, for you see, it’s just that I simply cannot help myself. Don’t you get it? When people choose, when they fucking CHOOSE to act mentally deficient without the convenient excuse of a traumatic brain injury or an extra chromosome, I can’t help but criticize. I can’t help but attack. I have to act. I must act. We all must act or we risk falling into their web of fatigue.

I’m not sure what’s gotten me so riled up. Perhaps it was an afternoon of philosophical discussion with my incredibly intelligent friend who could probably shit more sense than myself. It’s certainly that and also the fact that just this week I found out that I work with a creationist at my new job. A creationist folks. I actually met in the flesh one that believes everything we see here simply appeared on a bright sun shiny day six-thousand years ago. It just appeared. Not four, not five, but six, count ’em six thousand years ago. Nevermind fossil records within earth’s strata which they explain these away because of the flood and the order of which creatures were killed. Seriously. Don’t believe me? Check it out:

Hard to make it through that shit, isn’t it? I don’t blame you if you turned it off. You get the idea after a few minutes. It’s the fossil record explanation that is comical as hell. These “people” sound like four year olds scrambling to find answers. The thing is, a four year old from a well educated family could come up with a far better explanation than this four plus minute video pieced together by a creationist. And yes, you assume right if I am implying that religious families are less intelligent than non-religious ones. I’ll say it again, there is nothing intelligent about intelligent design.

“Is that an evangelical I smell? I better get out of here. Those fuckers are scary.”

So what do creationists believe beyond the earth’s age of a paltry six millenium? They believe that dinosaurs and humans coexisted. This alone is such a ridiculous claim that it is nearly impossible to attack. I think that’s what they count on. Say something so incredibly ignorant and ridiculous, that most people will have no chance of refuting their claims. The dipshit creationist I work with answered my inquiry about Flintstonian history with this:

“Dinosaurs existed during the time of humans because the bible talks about leviathan.” Really? Because a shitty story book talks about a non-specific giant creature, they were obviously describing dinosaurs? WRONG! What about Odysseus? What about all the crazy stuff in that amazing book? Am I to assume those were real too? It’s written far better than the bible, so I’m going to go ahead and assume that book happened too. What about Lord of the Rings? How do we know J.R.R. Tolkein didn’t get all of his information from “god”? It’s certainly more detailed than the bible in it’s entirety. What about my blog? It’s surely a better read than the bible, and I guarantee I can intellectually out perform any dimwit that wrote a piece of the bible and also those that cling to it mercilessly. Maybe my words are the words of god. Ever think about that?

I haven’t, because they’re not. You know why? 1) Because I don’t know shit about the future. 2) I don’t think my opinion means a shittin’ thing to anyone but myself. 3) I’m not an egotistical fucking idiot shitstain. 4) There is no god. That’s why. “The word of god” is an inner voice. It’s an opinion spewed upon the masses as something beyond an opinion. And this shitty opinion is passed on as “wisdom” to infect the masses in the form of mental illness.

VY Canis Majoris at 2200 times larger than the sun, is the largest star in the known galaxy and it was just there from the start. God just “breathed it out one day.” The laws of physics do not apply to these fiery balls of baby jesus poop.

Guess what else creationists believe? That people lived to be 900 years old. Want to know how they explain this “scientifically”? Because the earth was under the affects of a green house affect thousands of years ago, which is why dinosaurs got to be so big. It makes me laugh just thinking about it. Child’s play my friends. Fucking child’s play. Oh, and as for the argument that “It was just there one day…” This denies all the laws of physics. All of them. Shit doesn’t just appear. When I asked creationist idiot at the desk next to me how she explains the presence of galaxies 13 billion light years away… “They were just there from the start. God breathed them out.” When I asked about how she and her ilk explain viruses and bacteria mutating to not just survive but to thrive… “They were just there. It’s just what they do. God commands it.” When I asked about the different phases of a star’s life, including our own… “They were just like that from the start. It’s god’s will.” See what I mean? You can’t argue with “logic” like that. It’s impervious because “it just is.”

I don’t really want to waste too much time disputing creationists specifically because it is simply impossible to argue with the ignorant. It’s also a waste of time, because it’s not about creationism alone. It’s about christianity, it’s about hinduism, it’s about islam, it’s about mor(m)onism, it’s about scientology, it’s about buddism. It’s about all of these subsets of human ignorance that cling to beliefs that have been and will continue to be proven false just by their sheer stubbornness and resistance to knowledge. All religion is a mental illness that clouds the judgement of its followers, forcing them to abide by laws forged of the strongest ignorance, hatred, intolerance, and wickedness. ALL RELIGION. There are no exceptions.

What makes me right you’re asking? Me. I deemed myself correct. I have just as much right to this claim as Pope Eggs Benny, or the dolly lamo, or that idiot polygamist from the 1840’s, or that awful science fiction author pederast, or… My beliefs are forged from theories, some false and some true but all of them ever changing. If I’m wrong, I learn why and adopt to the new laws of science. The problem with all the other faiths is that they don’t change. They cling to the xenophobia, the racism, the misogyny and the straight up ignorance of their ancestors and they don’t change. Ever. Well, unless it is financially or politically beneficial for example when suddenly it became okay to eat fish on Fridays in the earlier days of the cathoholic church because the fishermen couldn’t make a living.

The best religion is defined by the biggest spread. Go team methodist!

This is all coming from a pastor’s kid. I’ve lived and breathed this shit, and let me tell you something, I called the Kumbyah singing, hand holding, belief in a floating all powerful man (it’s ALWAYS a man) early on for what it was. Bullshit. One hundred percent bullshit. But I do miss those potlucks. Man, nobody does potlucks like the fucking Methodists.

Too bad it isn’t the methodists that are marching over this earth in their war on all life, trying to fuse religion with politics. If you gotta have the mental illness of religion, methodist or UCC are the best to have. If methodism (a subset of christianity) is a mild anxiety disorder, then shia (a subset of islam) is full blown fucking personality disorder. I don’t use that example to pick on islam because catholicism or mor(m)onism or missouri synod lutheran are just as horrible religious indoctrinations. It’s all ignorant and dangerous, so if you absolutely must have the disease, aim small my friends, and go with the ones that offer free food one Sunday a month.

But in the end, all christian denominations, are really only moving in one direction, the way of ignorance, an endless death march in Jesus’ imaginary army of stupor soldiers. Islam also has the same exact goal, except the stupor soldiers don’t belong to Jesus, they belong to Mohammed. And scientology stupor soldiers march forth in Xenu’s name. Me? What do I march to? Noone. Just a simple, harmless idea born in the most fiery force in the galaxy… that we were all born of stardust and we’ll return to stardust. That one day the Andromeda galaxy and the Milky Way will collide. That life will end on this planet when our star becomes a red giant. Perhaps we’ll be a space faring civilization some day in the future, but more likely we won’t. The only thing that is certain is that life has risen, and is rising, and will rise again on a rocky sphere in countless places within the universe. We are just one small, brief, and hopelessly insignificant speck within this massive universe. And believe me my friends, it doesn’t get more comforting than that.



Many weeks ago… May 26 to be exact… I predicted the rise into the GOP presidential ranks of another idiot from Texas, the state that has brought us nothing good that I can think of off hand.  Man does it suck being right. The last thing this world needs is another world leader from Texas. This guy is it though, the GOP’s answer to all that is unholy in their wicked regime. He’s got it all. He’s the man they’ve been waiting for, searching for, dare I say praying for? How you ask? Well, let me tell you.

He believes in killing without conscience: Rick Perry is a major proponent of the death penalty. Now I’m one that can actually understand the blood lust that comes with being the victim of a heinous crime. Hell, if anyone in my family or any of my friends was raped or murdered or equally transgressed, I would desire nothing more than the torture, dismemberment, and death of any and ALL involved. In fact, I’d want to be the one holding the rusty butter knife… or maybe a fork. Which would hurt more when severing a ballsack? But you see, Rick Perry believes in the swift, the unconditional, the indiscriminating use of said penalty. He cannot be bargained or reasoned with, even in the event undeniable evidence comes to light to exonerate the sentenced. I’m sure you’ve heard of Cameron Todd Willingham? It really, truly does NOT surprise me that the southern “justice” system fucked up the case. I’m sure this shit happens all the time. Rednecks and bible thumpers are incapable of justice. Undoubtedly all members of southern law enforcement/prosecution are guilty of  the following listed on The Innocence Project’s website:

"Yuppers, I order the execution of retards. What? No, not teabaggers. It's hard to tell the difference sometimes I know, but not them. I'll need their "independent" votes come 2012."

•    Employing suggestion when conducting  identification procedures
•    Coercing false confessions
•    Lying or intentionally misleading jurors about their observations
•    Failing to turn over exculpatory evidence to prosecutors
•    Providing incentives to secure unreliable evidence from informants
•    Withholding exculpatory evidence from defense
•    Deliberately mishandling, mistreating or destroying evidence
•    Allowing witnesses they know or should know are not truthful to testify
•    Pressuring defense witnesses not to testify
•    Relying on fraudulent forensic experts
•    Making misleading arguments that overstate the probative value of testimony

It’s the south people. It’s the religious. It’s what they do best. Fuck shit up that is. Divide, discriminate, and denigrate. Yeeeeehaaaaa! Never mind the blazing contradictions against their religious stupidity. Thou shalt not kill, remember? Oh wait. That’s why they wrote the addendum years ago that said “an eye for an eye.” Seriously, what have those southern assholes given us? Coke, Wal-Mart, tobacco, and NASTARD? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Nothing. Thanks for the assist, jack asses. Texas is a waste of a state. As my Madison Minotaur rugby friends sang after they crushed Texas in a tourney: “The stars at night… are big and bright… (clap, clap, clap clap) deep in the heart of Texas… We execute minors… and retards too… (clap, clap, clap, clap) deep in the heart of Texas.” Yeah. You heard me right. Developmentally delayed people are strapped to the electric chair by these abominations of conscience in Texas. Fuck Texas.

He believes in American centrism: For all you teabaggers (a.k.a. republicans), this means that he believes, like you all believe, that the United States is the greatest country on the planet and that nothing… fucking NOTHING… can or will stand in our way. It means you believe we have the right to do whatever, whenever, to whomever no matter the consequences. It’s the typically banal GOP drivel that is dangerous on so many levels. “We are the greatest nation and all other nations should strive, under threat of force, to become as we are,” shriek the conservatives. These beliefs are the bread and butter of the conservative movement. They always have been and they always will be. Yeah, I hate to be the bearer of bad news to you mentally fragile fuckers, but the U.S. is NOT the greatest country on the planet. In fact with people like you in our ranks, we are swiftly sinking to the bottom. Your leader Rick Perry has his sights set on sealing this fate.

He believes Medicare/Social Security are UNCONSTITUTIONAL: Do I really need to readdress this shit? That noise you hear is just the GOP’s wardrum thundering on, summoning the shit storm of ignorance. All I can say about this is, if Rethugs and teabaggers and corporate Dimocrats believe this, if they TRULY believe this then they must immediately and without complaint drop all of these benefits and return all SPENT and unspent money to the federal government. Right now shit wits. And this, I might add, includes but is NOT limited to their elderly grandparents in nursing homes and their alcoholic and obese parents who are insulin dependent diabetics and their war veteran friends dependent upon supplemental programs after losing both legs in a bullshit war waged by… a conservative! Seriously, I don’t give a fetid shit what your situation is. Give it all up assholes. Time to pay out of pocket. Put your money where your flappy fucking mouths are.

"Praise Jeebus! Hallelujiah! Slay the heathens! Die muslims! Cure my loved ones! God bless 'merica! God bless you Governor Perry! Help me win the lottery! Make my diabetes go away! If you let me sniff this chick's panties, I'll go to church more! I pray for the non-believers to enjoy gnashing their teeth while burnin' in hell! Hey, we're nice, we're prayin' fer dem. Uh doi. Derpa derp!"

He believes prayer is the answer to all our woes: Yup, another deluded religious dim wit. Actually Rick, prayer is the REASON for a lot of our woes. Can you believe this wannabe cowboy held a fucking prayer rally in Houston for all his holier than thou asshole compatriots in Jesus’s imaginary army. Sigh. Prayer is bullshit people… well actually it might momentarily make you feel better when you’re having a panic attack in the middle of the night because you realize that your life is a meaningless heap of armadillo feces. But you know why said life is meaningless? Because you spent your whole day fucking praying.

Let’s take a moment to compare anyone who believes prayer exacts actual change and… well… me. Let’s just use those suffering horribly in Sudan with the constant political upheaval to illustrate my point (not that conservatives or religious right wingers would give a shit about another country’s suffering people). Prayer boy (or girl) will sit in a room all day and pray for them while I’ll play Dead Island for the same amount of time. Guess who will have done more to help the conflict? Neither of us! We’ll both have been selfish, oblivious assholes who sat on our asses doing nothing for the greater good, only something that merely served to make us feel good. You know what prayer is? It’s video games for the religious. Wow, I just figured that out.

But you know in the end, I actually do do more than all of these praying dolts combined, because I network and I donate money and I write about these things on the internets, bringing attention to them for a small part of the world to see. But guess what else? All 30,000 of those assholes in Rick Perry’s childish army have nothing on me because I  actually worked caring for the sick and injured at the hospital for those 7 hours they spent praying and I accomplished FAR more. And I wiped asshole. I cleaned up shit. Even if that’s all I did it was more than those prayerful assholes! Trust me. Prayer… means… nothing. Just ask the descendents of jews, gypsies, croats, and various other dissenters who were starved, over-worked and then either gassed or cremated alive during WWII what they thought of the Vatican’s assistance through prayer. I think they’d say they would have rather had a ball of rice air dropped to them.

What scares me most is that Rick Perry is vastly more religious and as a consequence vastly more dangerous than that fellow Texan moron GWB. Remember him? You see, what goes hand in hand every time with the extreme religious right, with the dim witted religious zealots in our midst, is the belief that the muslims (or anyone that doesn’t believe in their deity) is the enemy. EVERYONE. That includes you and me, my secular friends. But it’s even more scary because if  and WHEN this man ascends to the White House, he will carry this belief with him and use it to antagonize, irritate, and eventually wage war upon our muslim (fuck ALL religion) brethren. He only needs a flimsy “excuse” like his GOP predecessor. It’s called dominionism, people, and it is scary as fuck. Listen, I don’t give a shit what tone your skin is, if you base your daily actions on an imaginary misogynist in the sky, if HE (it’s ALWAYS a he) tells you what to do and how to behave, then you are mentally ill and should seek treatment immediately. You are not fit for human consumption. In fact, you should quarantine yourself in a prayer bunker and await those “end times”. I betcha Ricky’ll join y’all!

He denies science: Climate change is bogus… the earth is six thousand years old… god put us here to use everything however we see fit. See how his religious beliefs segue perfectly into this? They’re almost one in the same. He may not come outright and admit he believes the earth is 6k years old, but I’d wager that he sways that way for fear of his hyperactive child god’s sadistic and petulant temper tantrums. If you deny climate change trends that are PROVEN (whatever the “cause”), then you are a moron and have no place in the creation of policies that should ultimately better our lives and the life of this living, breathing planet. Like climate change, it is a proven trend that conservatives are incapable of bettering anything, except their rhetoric, bank accounts, and gun collections. Period.

The terror alert has been cemented at orange until the GOP eradicates all of these terrorists that threaten their scorched earth agenda. We need to crush this goose steppin' socialist mother fucker pictured here!

He believes the environment is second to humans: Like ALL GOPers, Rick believes cleaning and protecting this planet to ensure it is left a better place when we die is bullshit. He has ALWAYS voted against environmental regulations during his three term goobernatorial stent, especially if they threaten to even minimally impact the economy of the state under his charge. The only time he’ll get fired up in that special, charming Texas way is when he can gain something. Hell, even that moderate, ineffectual asshole Obama is guilty of this. Barack voted against regulating CFC’s for fuck’s sake. But guv Rick’s record is abysmal to say the least. He is waging war on the environmentevery day. His decisions about Texas’ environment are geared simply towards bucking the Feds riding his state’s ass and to also make it easier for his corporate supporters to create whilst they derate. Do you think he would ever lift his pen to protect endangered species or clean water or delicate ecosystems in Texas let alone the US? Hell no. “Fuck ’em,” he’d shriek. “They need to get out of our way!” In fact, this GOP asshole (and other GOP morands) have sued the EPA. That’s a bold and blatantly ignorant move. Now I agree, the EPA isn’t perfect (it IS a government institution after all), but I believe it is moving society in the absolute right direction. We have to do something. It has to start a decade ago. Humans (namely politically right wing humans) aren’t going to change out of the goodness of their hearts because there is no goodness in those hearts. You know what is so freakishly ironic about the GOP (and teabaggers by default) and their war on the environment? It is that they are an integral PART of that environment they so blatantly attack and abuse and discard like that sweaty, sunburnt Mexican hooker from Ciudad Juárez. In the end, when it goes down, they go down. It really is that elementary you fucking GOP simpletons.

He believes government is bad: Another oxymoronic trend that could only be exemplified with such perfection by the useless GOP, the party of inbreeders, sociopaths, and of course teabaggers. Government gives these politicians their power. Conservatives in particular seek political office for simple reasons: to weaken regulations and strengthen their stranglehold on mother earth and its living citizens. This chest thumping “government is bad” chant is getting really fucking old. It comes loudest from the teabagger leeches. As I said above, morands, if government is so bad, then you need to immediately forgo ALL of your nasty government benefits and venture out on your own. That’s no problem for sociopathic rich people like the Koch bros or Rick Perry, but for the inane in the membrane middle class teabagger types who vote republican with 100% unfailing accuracy, it would spell disaster. How are you going to pay for your weekly detox in the hospital you short-sighted idiots? No idea? Didn’t think so. The mere fact that you remember to breathe amazes me to no end.

Walls. Securing ignorance at all costs. Preventing the infiltration of compassion, rationalism, and progressivism is essential to prevent the crumbling of New Texas's foundation.

He believes Texas should secede from the union: Well, Rick. You got me there, because I also happen to believe that you wastes of oxygen should secede. Clean up this country. Make it a more perfect union by dropping out. Wage war on your own. Destroy the lives of your own insignificant redneck citizens and leave the rest of us out of it. Actually, maybe Austin could become its own state. Or maybe it could be like an embassy of sensibility in a sea of ignorance. Seriously though, a possible future president believes that a state he governs should secede? How is he even a fit leader when he holds tight to such antebellum American beliefs. It’s ridiculous. It reminds me of that Alaskan bimbo’s husband being a loud ‘n proud member of the secessionist party. Pathetic. How much do you want to bet he has an annual pray-in at the Alamo to offer his respects to a bunch of dirt bags who died defending… well, dirt. See you later, Texas. Can’t wait to see that 6,000 mile wall rise to protect you from big bad Mexico and the United States of Heathenism.

He leads the war on illegal (and probably legal) immigration: This too is a snide and skew war call of the GOP. I’m not even going to address it except to say that the only answer the GOP has ever or will ever offer to “solve” this issue is to racially profile. To stop people without cause only because their skin is too dark. Guess what? Parisians and Berliners can be illegals and their skin is white. Ah yes, grand pappy would be so proud of y’all. Racist assholes. If you’re such altruistically and non-racially motivated concerned citizens, then petition mega corporations like Wal-Mart to stop hiring illegals illegally. Again, it’s that elementary you GOP simpletons. Oh wait, that takes foresight and responsible action. Just keep building your stupid wall I guess. That’ll “git er done!”

Only the finest footwear will do for a Repube president as he stomps upon civil liberties, the poor, the downtrodden, and baby penguin heads.

Well, that about does it for now. There is plenty more to be dug up on this dull shootin’ Texas cowboy, but my brain is sore from his blatant ignorance. My soul has started to tremble just a wee bit from the thought of this creature leading this country come 2013. I can’t think of a more dangerous scenario. Sure, maybe Bachmann would be stupiderp, but at least her ignorance and constant gaffs would prevent her from exacting disastrous change. But Rick Perry is vastly more threatening. On day one he will arrive stomping in his shit kickers making wicked changes left and right. Our fuzzy friends and their homes and water supply will be fucked. Secular government will be a distant memory. Responsible corporate policy will be a pipe dream (more than it already is under that fucking asshole Obama). Necessary social programs will become fossilized memories on display for a new world order to gawk at. The concept of peaceful co-existence will be the stuff born of writers of future fiction. Rick Perry. You are dangerous. You are deplorable. You are the true enemy of civilization, both you and your ilk. In my non-humble opinion, you are developmentally delayed (or retarded as they say in your state of Texas). Wait a minute. Rick Perry is dangerous and “retarded”. Why then haven’t you put him in the electric chair yet, Texas? I say kill two turds with one throne.

So as some 9.1 million (or 47%) of Texans would say:

Paz gilipollas,


P.S. I know not all Texans are bumbling idiots (a.k.a. Austin), that’s why I have “faith” that they will be able to read between the lines. For you see, they’re a fuck ton smarter than the idiotic Republican citizens of their state and they know exactly what I’m talking about.

"Me tea party! Me no Republican! Me independent voter! Me vote Rick Perry 2012!"

"Oh dear. I just remembered I forgot to scrub my hoo ha with Cavi wipes. It's kinda gross down there. Even my closeted husband agrees."

Just when I thought that cooky cunt fer christ Michelle Bachmann (and the other GOP candidates for president) couldn’t get any crazier, she goes and takes a stance as stupid as this to please her teatard followers:

“Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President.”

That’s a quote from their stance people. A one-hundred percent accurate account of the stupid shit that travels through her (and all the GOP’s) brain and for some reason doesn’t just continue rattling around in that hollow chamber, but travels venomously onto her tongue (or pen I guess) and into the psyches of her adoring redneck, teatard, and religious freak followers. Don’t believe me? Check it out.

I’m sure some of the dimmest of her dim followers will shriek about this quote as being “out of context” or disassociated (not a word they know) bytes, but this type of quote cannot be spun positively no matter how grand a master of vernacular her spinsters are. Believe me, none of her followers are masters of anything but being retarded. They clearly tried to backpedal on this, but that will result in nothing but failure.

First off, the blazing inaccuracies of her analysis of antebellum American black family dynamics are appalling. But that aside, let me get this straight. Cooky cunt believes that children during slavery were better off because they had both a mother and a father with them, raising them in a house full of love and fuzzy feelings? Hmmm… well what about when those tight knit families were split and sold off to the highest bidder to break ties and destroy them psychologically through isolation? What about when the slave owning racists (people close to Johnny Boehner’s caliber) raped the mothers repeatedly? What about when the siblings and parents were beaten to within and inch of their lives in front of the child for even the mildest infractions, something teatards from say somewhere like… I dunno… Menomonie, Wisconsin… are famous for? What do you think? Sound like something you’d enjoy? Sound like a holistic approach to healthy family dynamics?  Megalomaniac Michelle thinks so. Focus on the family indeed. All I can say is, “Fuck you, Micky. Do the world a favor, hold your breath for forty minutes, and in so doing cleanse our tainted gene pool. Be the hero that misogynist in the sky is calling you to be. Answer the call! Journey into the next realm of earthworms and mold! A sprouting cedar needs your nutrients since you’re not using them. Oh, and for the record, anyone that gets behind this spectacularly crazy bitch is just as guilty of the racist and ignorant inanity she’s only just begun to be famous for. Move over Dale Robertson of, there’s a bigger, badder teatard in town and she don’t share the stage.



"I don't get it. What'd they say that was bad? They're just talking 'bout them niggars."

"God... Jeebus... kill... abortion bad... bible... pray." A fucking parrot has a larger vocabulary than this creepy, category 5 asshole.

Just a quick update on the hypocrisy of the religious right. It’s an old story, one told many times, some with a bloody ending, but it appears we have yet another cooky cock fer christ right here in our backyard that tried to kill an abortion doctor. It never ceases to amaze me how these guys rationalize their hypocrisies let alone existences by screaming: “God told me to! Punish me all you want, but my angry, childish ruler will punish all you unbelievers in the afterlife.” It’s mental illness, plain and simple. Religion is a disease. It is a plague. It is the coffin which will entomb humanity and send it back into the dark ages before delivering unto it a painful extinguishing of its existence… if they have their way. Not on my watch though. Not within this higher functioning brain of mine. I’ll fight til the bitter end.

What is so fascinating about this freakish joke on humanity, one Ralph Lang of Marshfield, WI, is that he was the same crazy eyed jack-ass that argued with me when I bullied with my bullhorn at the capitol. I mentioned him briefly in this entry. I told him to get the fuck away with his crazy shit. His eyes twirled in his head at the words of an independent thinking non-believer. His face writhed with the rage of his Hello Kitty backpack wearing toddler god. His fists clenched, grasping the holy fire power of SUPER JEEBUS!!! I merely waved him off again. He looked like he wanted to kill me. Turns out he did want to. He failed. This is one of many maladjusted facets of the conservatard base, and they seem to be growing.

But for now it’s… Sturm: 1, Super Jeebus: 0



"No. It's in this book. I can hate, judge, cheat, batter, belittle, and bully as much as I want. Jesus told me so. He's coming to pick me up on Saturday. Huh? At what time? Uhhhhh... six...thirty...ish???"

Have I ever told you guys about my extreme love of religion? How can you not love religion when you have creepy walking corpses like the guy in the picture to the right predicting the end of the world this weekend. I hope this pederast is right, because I really don’t want to have to see assholes like this spouting off their hate speech for one more day. I’d rather spend the rest of eternity gnashing my teeth in an imaginary sauna with my fellow humanists. Why would I want to spend an eternity with misogynists, pedophiles, homophobes, racists, and dimwits? I’ve spent enough time in Wisconsin already. Besides, if the only thing you read is the bible, or if it is your favorite “book”, then you are a moron and I don’t want to spend five seconds with you. You are uninspiring and ignorant. I’ve read the bible. Besides being written by people… I mean MEN… vastly dumber than me, it is fucking BORING. It’s a bunch of really shitty stories that make me want to read the Twilight Saga just to be able to say I’m busy with a different, uninspired shit fest, one that I’ll be able to laugh at just as much and not waste nearly as much time doing so.

So get out there, readers. Enjoy your last day of freedom. Try to fit all the sins into one crazy festival. Lust, greed, gluttony, adultery… maybe murder a teabagger? Nah. Just enjoy all the sex ‘n food you can in the next twenty four hours. I’m sure that creepy religious leader has been all along. He’s probably got a  long line of battered women waiting on his mini-pope 24/7. Probably a few ten year olds too just to keep things fresh.

I’m sure I’ll be writing to you next week, but in the off chance the world is destroyed by that pesky level 87 elite dragon Deathwing with 858 million hit points, it’s been fun. See you in the sauna. I’ll warm it up for ya and have a few Hendrick’s G&Ts ready too.



"Hi! I'm Kim! I like praying 700 times a day until I hear the word of Christ come from inside, somewhere near my underused pussy! My doctor says it's because I'm not taking my anti-psychotics, but I know better. When he's burning in hell, I'll be smiling because god's word will still be gushing from my pen!"

I am so tired. No, not because I’m in the middle of my second of three 12-hour night shifts of ass wiping, but because every where I turn, the conservatard tools just keep spreading exaggerations and outright lies about the Madison protests. I think if these reporters (actually third hand experience commentators) have never been to Madison during these protests, then they have no right to write about them. Period. This Kim Linton dipshit is pathetic, and not just because her writing is abysmally boring and uninspired. It’s because she’s a fucking outright liar, perpetuating information that has been PROVEN false. 7.5 million in damage Kim? Really? That number was debunked long ago and replaced with a much lower number that is also falsely high. The protesters were so disrespectful, that they offered to clean the tape up for, are you ready for this price tag? Free. The death threats haven’t increased as you claim, because they just happened and there has been ONE incident where the email was sent to all of the yes voting senators. Don’t try and convince the nation that all of us heathens here in Wisconsin threaten our dipshit legislators with death just because they make incredibly unethical decisions. Just so we’re clear, I hope this dipshit that threatened them serves severe jail time. It is inexcusable and does not serve to better our situation. And prayer Kim? They need your prayers? Really? Newsflash. Prayer doesn’t work. Period. Do I really need to write another entry to shut you deluded dimwits down yet again? What I and other sane people of this planet need you to do is stop praying and just go the fuck away.

I think what annoys me most about this kooky cunt for Christ is her background. Apparently she began writing in 2001 for some christian website (I refuse to refer to it as a “webzine”. What a lame-brained pseudo word), which is most likely a proselytizing site that transforms facts into unrecognizable fabrications  for the religious right to masturbate to. In other words, she has no background. She’s a waste of fucking space. I’m not even going to waste my time and offer their website one single  click to swell their traffic numbers. Wicked shitstains. Stop wasting space on the internets. Stop wasting oxygen for kittens and puppies that will grow up to do far more important things than you. Stop pretending to give a shit about anything but you and your pathetic yet substantially dangerous christian agenda. Conversations spawned in your head do NOT indicate awe inspiring truths revealed to you by some imaginary misogynist in the sky or that 2000 year old olive skinned gay Jew. Another newsflash, Kim Larsen et al, he wasn’t white and he sure as shit didn’t speak English.

I think I’ll take a little time to find this chick’s email address and offer her seeds of something she’ll never have: wisdom. It will really only serve to make me feel a tiny bit better when I berate her, but that’s what catharsis is all about, right? Oh, and by the way. Yahoo! has definitely become one of the most lame brained web drains in existence. It sucks beyond imagination and it is dangerous because it reaches so many people. Their editors and contributors are clearly a bunch of morons. Remember Chris “the ‘tard” Kyle from my previous entry? I guess all I can do is pray for the survival of the internets from this endless deluge of ignorance. God… I mean Deep Thought help us. Only you can know the answer we seek.



Update: I just found Kim Linton’s husband. Tools. Both of ’em. Dull rusty tools that are used to torture innocent, non-believers. Below is the email I sent to the contact us link.

Dear Mr. Gary Linton,

I am writing to find out if you are indeed the husband of one Kim Linton who has written right wing articles for Yahoo! If you are, I encourage you to discuss with your wife about the dangers of lying. No, not dangers from an imaginary place called “hell”, but dangers from skewing public perceptions of real and very important events in Madison, WI. The article I am referring to is discussed here:

If this is not your wife, I apologize. If it is, shame on both of you for perpetuating lies and damaging people in their fight for the betterment of humanity and the embracing of a compassionate social agenda, something right wingers, especially religious right wingers are incapable of.



Can’t wait to see if the kooky cock for Christ responds.

"I'm Joe. Do you want to have more luck with the ladies? Follow my 12 step program... err religion and I guarantee you at least 3 wives. See, I used to be picked on mercilessly, then I made up a religious sect to get pussy... TONS of pussy!"

Here’s a little tidbit, another mark against religion. As if Prop 8 in Cali wasn’t enough. I think the real question isn’t so much how a school can have such rules (a.k.a. religious indoctrination), but why in the fuck is a BLACK man enrolled in Bigot… I mean brigham young univershitty? (not capitalized to emphasize insignificance) No, I repeat NO non-white individual has any business funding, supporting, or trusting the chief religious bigots called mor(m)ons. Why you ask? Because of the history of their stance on “dark skinned” people, or as they would call them, the lamanites. Such a friendly, regal sounding name, right? Wrong. These people were (and still are in some sects) considered by mor(m)ons to be cursed by god “because of the traditions of their fathers” (book of alma 17:15, look it up). That’s why they’re black.

It wasn’t until 1978 (you read that right) that this lamanite policy was rejected by the present day “saints” or church leaders. These leaders are considered to be actual descendants of the original 12 apostles of Jesus Christ, can you believe that crazy shit? How bold of the mor(m)on chruch. How brave and historically progressive of them to accept blacks as “normal” humans as early as 1978. Shit. I was a toddler then and even I knew better than to believe blacks were black because of some goofy curse from a goofier “god”. Wait. That’s the same year Charlie Chaplin’s remains were stolen. Think the mor(m)ons were involved and thought he was a direct descendant of Jesus and were going to resurrect him on elohim’s super secret spaceship above Salt Lake City? The crazy bastards believe in crazier things. Shame on you Mitt Romney and every other follower of that faith for allowing blacks to be treated as subhuman for so long. Fuck I hate these people. I have a real special aversion to these religious mutations of conscience more than a lot of others (believe me, I hate ALL religion). They are unique, a particular breed of crazy. Kinda like scientologists. Don’t believe me? Check this shit out:



That’s a whole lotta crazy, n’est-ce pas? Started out kinda like Superman. An alien baby was born and sent to earth where our yellow sun gave him super powers! All of it is crazy, but the lamanite (a polite word for “niggar”) belief is appalling. I’m sure some deluded, brainwashed followers will scream: “We don’t believe that about blacks anymore! Let it go!” Well it was a MAIN tenant of mor(m)onism in my lifetime. Why don’t you encourage those you and your ancestors persecuted and judged since 1849 to “let it go.” The sad thing is, I probably know more about their lame-brained faith than they do. And I fucking HATE it! Shows what can happen if 1) you have a brain and 2) you use it beyond forcing your body to breath. Idiots.

"Niggars... err... I mean Lamanites BAAAAAD!!! REAL BAAAAAD!!!"

Anyway, this Brandon Davies at BYU must have really wanted to play basketball. Hopefully he’s not buying into the craziness that mor(m)ons believe in their video. Somehow I think he does. Shame on him. Traitor. I do have to wonder what kind of planet they reserve for their black followers. Maybe it’s actually a bait and switch and they just send them to the “outer darkness”. According to those 12 “latter day saints” (all blistering, bleach white, MALE nephites. How unexpected), he’s just the right color. Fucking despicable assholes.



P.S. It appears the founder of the 12 apostles site above has an email addy. Be sure and email him at and offer him suggestions for his site, like revealing the truth about the inherent racism in their beliefs. Send him a link to this blog entry just for fun.

“More money AND further access to little boys?!! Count the Catholic church in!!! Sanctus et benedictus… me!!!

Man technology is great, ain’t it? I mean, I can dump a girl via text, whack it to a quick porn download, make a date with a hooker, check on my gambling payouts, sext my sister, and now be forgiven of any of my pesky sins… all from my fucking Iphone. How amazing! It’s one stop shopping. Hell, I don’t even have to stop. I can do it while driving to a late night rendezvous at a rest area. I love it. Technophilia has reached an all time high. Who better to introduce or expand on yet another -philia or -phile than the greatest same sex, under-aged dating service on the planet, the catholic fucking brothel… err, I mean church? Nobody else could pull this off. Nobody.

There is a problem with this. I foresee one tiny hiccup. Where does all that deliciously decadent info go? For those afeared of big brother fucker, I’d watch out. All of your crimes, sins, sadisms, masochisms, machoisms, -philes, -philias will hover around cyberspace until the gentlemen in those FBI jackets come a poundin’ on yer door. And for you young ones, for you 5-15 year old boys with the tight ruby star fruits, tread lightly. Moments after your confession, a priest will arrive to pound on yer back door. “Their rods and their staves shall comfort thee.” Oh yes. Oh yes they will, kiddos.



P.S. Fuck you pope Joe.

Well I knew it wouldn’t be long before something sick and twisted this way would come.

"Tee hee. Jesus loves me this I know!!! Tee hee. Or so my wifey tells me so!!!"

Un-fuckin’-believable. I mean, I shouldn’t be surprised, and I’m not really, especially when in his acceptance speech, the gigglin’ gopher thanked god for his win. Yeah. Sure. It’s perfectly logical that: a) there is an imaginary bearded guy in the sky controlling every mechanical, chemical, physical, mathematical, and social dynamic of the universe, and b) he gives a shit about you and your insignificant fucking office race. Moron. Religious people are a plague. E-bola’s got nothing on them.

But I’ve digressed. So Scottie’s bitch wife, the one who can pour the most honey potion into this retarded “governor’s” ear, wants to start a faith based treatment center (it should be called faith biased). Hallelujah, Wisconsinites! Do you know what this means? Religion will be further crammed down our throats at the cost of tax payer dollars (budget crisis be damned). Yeah, I know Walker, Wisconsin Ranger SAAAID there would be no tax dollars spent on it, but do you really believe that? I don’t. It’s his agenda. Religion IS his agenda. Those that elected him have allowed yet another religious dolt to ascend to the gubernatorial throne. Barrett was far more qualified than this mental degenerate. Gopher boy destroyed Milwaukee County. His budget cuts allowed infrastructure to deteriorate to the point where a man died when a garage collapsed upon him. His blood is on your paws, gopher boy. And also the hands of those who elected you. Way to go, Wisconsin. But we didn’t actually expect an intelligent decision from a bunch of retarded rednecks or fiscally thirsty asshounds, now did we?

Make no fucking mistake. Some how, in some way, at  some time this idiot will spend my tax dollars on his wife’s stupid (and dangerous) religious cause. Hell, even his speaking about it could be construed as already spending my money on it. His speech required security, didn’t it? He’s mentioning the stupid “treatment center” within the idiotic ramblings that are called speeches and thereby bringing attention to it, isn’t he? He’s an effective, albeit goofy lookin’, billboard. Fuckin’ shady, manipulative asshole.

Faith based healing. Hmmm. I wonder what that means. I wonder… oh that’s right. The proselytizing to, the brain washing of, and finally the religious conversion of the weak and/or vulnerable. Swelling the ignorant numbers of the most dangerous people on the planet: the religious. I’m sure some will ask, “What’s the harm, Sturm you insensitive asshole who can mix one helluva grand gin gimlet? If they find god or jesus and it helps them recover from alcoholism, then why not?”

"Hey sinner! I used to pay men for anonymous gay butt sex but then I found Christ. Oh wait, I found Christ before the buttsex. Nevermind."

Why not? Why not? Are you fucking retar… duh, yeah. Of course you are. The harm comes because all of these faith following fucking frauds (I’m talking about many of you A.A…A-holes.) don’t treat the underlying problem. They replace one obsession for another. Instead of gin ‘n juice, they get drunk on jesus god-damned fucking christ. Weak, pathetic assholes. They leave “treatment” incapable of dealing with their condition beyond prayer which as already been PROVEN to be ineffective. But hey! At least their fellow dip shits in christianity will be there to enable their new addiction to jesus and push it upon the remaining sane of this planet. Great. More self-righteous, fired up morons. Just what we needed. How many times have you heard about born again christians who were once hookers or druggies or abusive men or alcoholics? Fuck me. Consider me a bored again non-christian. Thanks assholes for ruining this earth and any chance for humanity to evolve because of some phantom “pain” in your past. Fuck you, you narcissistic whiny bitches. How selfish can you be? We’ve all had pain. You don’t see me running around like a cooky cunt fer christ, do you? Pathetic. This Tonette chick can go eat from the heaping pile of the bullshit she’s dropping all over us.

This is why religious dolts like Wisconsin's governerd do not venture far from 'Merica's shoreline. Scary stuff, huh?

So, in summary the new governerd of Wisconsin has a cooky wife (and lieutenant governor to match) that probably prays every night before bed. When she wakes each morning (unfortunately), she probably looks in the mirror, trying to tell herself that it’s worth the ridicule to go out into the world as long as it’s for christ and his supposed mission that carries on 2 millennia later. She’s not worried about pesky judgment by other humans. No, no, fuck no. Her reward will come in due time when she ascends to that place somewhere above our heads with all the fluffy white pillows ‘n shit, where everyone gets wings and can fly around and eat their favorite Ben ‘n Jerry’s all day, every fucking day. I know, sounds crazy right? Unfortunately a lot of dip shit Wisconsinites agree with her. Wastes of space. They should all drink hemlock and be reunited with their bisexual (12 “disciples”? Yeah right. I’m sure that’s all they were.), hooker lovin’ (Mary Mag hag), alcoholic (homebrewin’ water into wine) friend jesus. If they left now, the rest of us could live in peace and harmony, eating Chunky Monkey, playing video games, and fucking who we want, when we want without threats of taking an eternal trip to an imaginary sauna someplace beneath our feet. “Where is hell you ask? Why it’s down there. No I know, it’s beneath the crust. Well, it’s obviously below this mantle of which you speaketh. No, come on now. Don’t be ridiculous, it’s under the outer core. The inner core? Well… no, it’s past that. What do you mean that puts us back into the outer core? Round? It’s fucking round? Well it’s down there somewhere. Jesus Christ, try not to think so much about it. It’s all part of god’s plan.”

Anyway, MY divine plan of eating, gaming, and fucking sounds like “heaven” to me. The only thing I’m gonna pray for in the meantime is that the gopher and his second in command have to step down from their posts for whatever reason and allow Doug La Follette, Secretary of State, to rise and take over command of this shithole. Here’s to “god’s plan”.

So until the next time Walker, Wisconsin gopher, I mean Ranger opens his miserable mouth…