"Hiya kiddos! Are you ready to learn? I said, ARE YOU READY TO LEARN?! Okay! Boys, don't forget to place me on your penis to prevent disease and pregnancy. To do so all you do is... Umm, excuse me. Who are you? What are you doing? I'm trying to teach these kids about... the Republicans say that I'm bullshit and hurting children? Let go of me! I'm sex education!"

Abstinence. Education. Two simple words that when put together spell nothing but confusion and chaos… a place towards which the Repube-lie/cons love pushing this country. You want an abstinence education? Okay, here it is: If you don’t stick your dick in a girl (or let it slip into your pussy), one and ONLY one thing is assured not to happen: Pregnancy. I’m sure if some simpleton (aren’t they all?) right winger and their dim offspring read this, he/she would say: “Uh derpa derp. But Sturm, ah derp, you forgot ah derp about disease. Derpa derp!  You can’t ah derp get disease if you don’t ah derpa derp have intercourse.” Wrong dipshits. You see, your limited definition of sex (penis inside vagina) probably leaves out hand jobs, blow jobs, pussy eating, finger fucking, corn holing, and butt sex… oh, let’s not forget all those man on man relations (there ain’t no vaginer morands) that your traditional and antiquated “values” so shamefully abhor. What the religious right wingers and conservative tool factories of this country don’t realize is that any type of intimate physical contact is sex. End of fucking story. Of course they’d say man on man or woman on woman is an abomination and shouldn’t be engaged in anyway. They probably want to make these expressions of love punishable by death, those ignorant assholes. In the meantime they’ll settle for the punishment handed down by that petulant toddler god in the sky they worship that keeps a scorecard and gets angry at every tiny thing you do.

Abstinence education is the goal of this new “jobs bill” that the rightard red of this state have pushed through. It is, of course, yet another bullshit agenda under the guise of a “special jobs session”. Let’s do a quick recap here of this “jobs” session.

Jobs created by this special session as of November 3rd, 2011: Zero. Guns and imaginary souls “saved”: lots.

Man I hate Republicans. No good waste of space cretins, all of them. This whole abstinence education thing is a sick, sadistic joke. Actually it’s worse. It’s an advancement of the religious right wingers’ dangerous agenda to subjugate the masses and spread seeds of ignorance and intolerance all across this planet. It reeks of religious hypocrisy. Show me REPEATED research, not just one religious organization’s skewed and corrupted research, that illustrates that abstinence education ALONE works. I want scientific evidence repeated multiple times, like all proper research findings are required to list. I dare you. You can’t because it doesn’t exist. And spare me your anecdotal evidence. It’s about as useful as brains on a teabagger.

"If I can't get myself some of that sex stuff everyone's talking about, then no one will. I'm Mary fucking Lazich!"

I’m sure Walker apologists will shriek about how the libturds need to read the linked article above. You see, apologists believe that that Repube hag Mary Lazich who sponsored this shit bill isn’t saying contraceptive and disease education is being banned. Well you know what? You’re right, assholes, it isn’t being banned. But it also isn’t being required, ONLY abstinence education is. Abstinence education. Seriously, what the fuck does that mean anyway? It’s a two word lesson. Don’t and fuck. If you don’t fuck you can’t get pregnant. It’s not even a rational or remotely useful message (but then again, what is from Republicans?). It’s like saying if you don’t go swimming you can’t drown or if you don’t get on an airplane you can’t die in a plane crash if you don’t leave the house you can’t get sunburned. Stupid Republicans. What purpose do they serve in society? To remind us how utterly idiotic humans can become? I’ve seen Jersey Shore. I don’t need more reminders, least of all one this close to home. Basically this bill will force schools to ONLY teach abstinence. They can strike all teaching of contraception, disease prevention, and other science based evidence from their curriculum  without threat of punishment, but if they omit abstinence teaching they’ll be breaking the law. Pathetic.

Now I’m not saying abstinence shouldn’t at least be mentioned in sex ed teaching curriculum. It should at least get a nod. If you want to get technical, the only way to prevent disease and pregnancy with 100% unfailing success is to keep your lips, tongues, fingers, fists, toes, cocks, and pussies away from another human being. But in the end, how much is this “wisdom” worth? Next to nothing because it simply doesn’t teach kids how to deal with the raging hormones that welcome them into adulthood from a young age. Whenever I see a wet paint, do not touch sign, I always touch it, don’t you? Give me knowledge. Give me data. Give me another way beyond prayer to protect myself when I get an erection when I see sweaty athletic women at the gym. Bottom line is we are animals, just like beavers, chimpanzees, dolphins, birds, etc, whose main and only biological goal to to procreate. Just because religious right wingers have faith there’s more to it than that, doesn’t make it so. They are dead wrong.

Of course Glenn the malignant Grothman chimed in on this whole debacle of the deluded. Yeah, he had wise words to say: “We are trying to back away from the bill passed last year that we feel mandated sex ed that was too nonjudgmental, too explicit and at too young an age,” Sen. Glenn Grothman, R-West Bend.

""Just ignore it Jimmy! Pray about it! But don't masturbate! No, no, no. For if thou shouldst takest thine rod into thine own hand and floggeth it until thine cup overfloweth with the seed of man, then thou shalt gnash thine teeth whilst you descend into ash in the fires of damnation! It's true, it says that in the bible! Where? Uhhh, near the end in... um... there's a book in there somewhere that says it!"

Too “nonjudgmental”. Your party IS the party of judgment. That’s all you creatures of shadow do, so this shouldn’t surprise me. But you see, in typical right wing fashion, he’s saying children should be judged, persecuted, and made to feel uncomfortable about their bodies when they go through natural biological changes. Hormones dictate young human lives, starting younger than 12 years of age. These kids need rational advice and options to deal with these changes. The religious right’s advice? Prayer, punishment, prayer, hail mary, prayer, punishment, prayer. Rinse and repeat. Oh, and don’t forget to read the bible!

The bible, what a fucking joke. I’d guess the advice against sexual development and accompanying horniness is somewhere in the book of Neuter-lobotomy chapter 4 verse 20, but I don’t read that bat shit crazy book. It’s a waste of trees, but it just so happens to be a fantastic place to leave spare condoms for future hotel room guests. The bottom line here is that the Republicans don’t care about evidence, science, or fact. You see they are allied with the religious right in their endless war against science and their goal of creating a massive army of stupor soldiers for that ancient olive skinned Jew’s imaginary return and subsequent “cleansing” of mother earth. Need I remind you that Jesus power banged dames and dudes alike? He did. Show me evidence to the contrary. Hell, you can’t even show me evidence that he existed at all let alone he’s got a flight arriving into LaGuardia within the next millenium. You have the burden of proof, morons. Or is that too edumacashuny of an idear fer yous?

So this Republican dolt Glenn (along with too many others) thinks that teaching about condoms and birth control is “too explicit” and that children in middle school and high school are “too young”. Morons. These right wingers know as well as I know that boys start popping wood at 4 or 5 years of age. Probably younger even. It freaked me out the first time it happened. It wasn’t until some time later that socially awkward me learned how to and had the ability to take care of it. Can you imagine the abuse children in religious families go through when not surprisingly their hormones instead of an imaginary guy in the sky dictate the terms of their development? They are shamed and punished for biological development and given powerful tools like prayer to combat it. Abusive assholes. Make no mistake, depriving your children of proper resources and education are also abuses. Parents should be imprisoned for these crimes along side those that beat, starve, and sexually abuse those they are supposed to protect and nurture. But there I go again being a hippy libturd showing acceptance and compassion for my fellow humans going through confusing yet natural experiences. Shame on me. I’m such an asshole.

Can we seriously just call this what it is? A fusion of religion and politics? This has been the Repube-lie/con (and a few dip shit Democrats) agenda for no less than my entire lifetime. And if anyone thinks it’s going to stop here, they will be sorely mistaken. I predict the life at conception campaign will mutate into a life at erection campaign. If the Republicans get their way, men would do prison time for the genocide that is masturbation.  Lock me up then Republicans, because Mao Ze-Dong, Stalin, and Hitler combined have nothing on me. I murdered over 900 million precious children of god this week alone.

Bottom line, what this legislation is about is crushing these types of enemy of the state. Women’s health organizations. Crush women with a misogynistic agenda. Attack until they can retreat no longer and then attack some more. Prevent resources for rape counseling and pregnancy counseling. Make birth control a distant memory through disinformation and refusal to pay for birth control pills. Meanwhile, the Koch brothers and their servants are allowed to have insurance pay for pills to make their shriveled dicks hard once more. Glory be!

No. It’s clear to me. This whole display is just more proof that Republicans have no business in politics any more. This party is fucking dead to me. NOONE can redeem them in my eyes. They’ve pushed their dangerous agenda too long and too far. They don’t give two fetid shits about the people, only their infantile beliefs and faulty “values”. They waste their time on bullshit legislation like gun control, abstinence education, and my personal favorite the “In god (not capitalized to emphasize insignificance) we trust” motto. This fairy tale saying should be struck from all government bodies including but not limited to books, buildings, and money. I do not trust in something that punishes children for advancing into sexual maturity. I do not trust in something that punishes women for being empowered to take control of their lives. I do not trust in something that threatens my eternity when I enjoy a drink, some masturbation, or a bit of sex. I do not trust in something that threatens a man for loving another man or threatens a woman for loving another woman. And most importantly, I do not trust in something that began as a figment of a few misogynistic men’s fucking uninspired imagination for global domination a few thousand years ago. I could shit a better story than the bible in its entirety. No. You can go ahead and keep your god. I’ve got my own. In Alduin I trust. Hey, there’s just as much chance of Alduin existing as god or jaweh or allah or whatever the fuck you think his (it’s ALWAYS a man… yawn) name is. At least my “god” looks cooler and can kick the shit out of your imaginary petulant toddler friend. In the meantime, why don’t you conservative men practice what you preach. Engage in abstinence for the next 30 or 40 years. Do planet earth a favor and prevent more of your ilk by stopping your milk. That definitely would do a planetary body good.