Well he won folks… and commandingly. Hansen took some 66% of the vote up north. I predicted the wife beating competition would get 43% of the vote. Boy does it feel good to be wrong for once. That’s 9% fewer retarded voters up there than I thought. Still, I gotta wonder about that remaining 34% or so. What kind of people are they where they can vote for a scumbag like VanderBeast? Take this guy quoted in this article:

Dennis Arcand, a retired postal worker from Green Bay, voted for VanderLeest, saying the candidate’s legal issues were overshadowed by his positions on the issues.

“I believe he’s on the right side of the issue of getting the budget under control,” said Arcand, 55. “I think Dave Hansen’s a good guy, but on collective bargaining and the budget, that’s why I voted for Mr. VanderLeest.”

His legal issues were overshadowed by his positions on the issues? Really? So let me get this straight. A man can engage in despicable behavior (tax evasion, wife beating, witness intimidation par example), but if he merely regurgitates a steaming pile of the GOP food for its fragile fledglings, you’re all for him? Tell me, Dennis. Is it hard having to remind yourself to breathe 15-20 times per minute? You are a category 5 fucking moron, man. You are a taxation (something you teatards hate) on humanity and a mutation now fused into the genetic eons of time. You should drink the contaminated water Governor Goofy wants so desperately to bestow upon all of us and our animal friends. Drink deep, asshole.

"Hey y'all. Just wanna dispel ALL myths. I am indeed a natural blonde. No further questions will be answered on this. Freedumb isn't free! Say it with me! USA! USA! USA!"

Although my eternal realism made me worry unnecessarily about this race, there is one I am legitimately concerned about. It’s Holperin’s race. He’s up against a teatard and if I know Minocqua and the surrounding area… which I do… Holp’s in for a rough ride. The teatards are riled up in those parts, pointing fingers as dictated by their rethug, corporate masters. Have those assholes ever gotten any substantive scraps from republican tables? I didn’t think so, but surely they can’t be engaging in party worship without real cause, can they? Anyone? Anyone?

So turns out that senator Holperin’s competition is a bleached out, plasticized teatarded bimbo named Kim Simac. Ugh. Just looking at her makes me want to brush my tongue for an hour. But let’s give her a chance. Just who is Kimbo “the bimbo” Simac? Well, since you asked so politely, she’s president of… get this… this is very hard to say with a straight face… the… the… the Northwoods Patriots. Holy shit that’s comedic gold! Here’s their fucking facebook page.

The northwoods patriots (not capitalized to emphasize insignificance). What a joke. At least they have 204 fans… well 203 as I liked them just to spread seeds of wisdom to the teatarded in our midst. What do they stand for? Why are they patriots? Why are any assholes who scream about patriotism patriots? Because they do things without question. They don’t protest wars or social injustices prompted and promoted by their political party.  That’s what patriotism means to teatards. Unwavering support. Resistance to logic. Undying devotion to archaic, regressive philosophies. Listen. I don’t care what party you’re affiliated with. If its members act like assholes, then they should be destroyed. See you in a hundred years, Blajo!

Kimbo and her pathetic organization of 203 followers all base their organization on three snide and skew philosophies: faith, family, and country. Let’s break them down, shall we? Faith: anything NOT muslim, jewish, hindu, or miscellaneous. That’s right. Evangelical crazy christians. That is all. No one else need apply. This is an exclusive club. Call in the next five minutes and if you mention the correct age of the earth at six thousand years old, you get a lifetime membership! Family: anti-choice (not pro-life as they support dismantling the clean water act like Governor Walkie Talkie does and attacking abortion doctors and endless war and…). Oh, and it means teaching your kids the “good” and “pure” values of the aforementioned exclusive club. Country: War at all costs. Weapons of mass destruction… Freedom isn’t free… Take no prisoners… Never retreat, never surrender… These colors don’t run… United we stand… Never forget… God bless ‘merica… Support the troops… Did I miss any teatarded catch phrases? Post ’em if ya got ’em!

"I dunno what le...git... i...mate means. All I know is that... well what I think... you see... what I mean is... stupid brain. Ow! What was the question again? No, I'm okay. That was just my breathing stimulator kicking in to remind me to take a breath."

So Kimbo and her organization are teatards. I feel the desperate need to reiterate my stance on teabaggers. They are not, I repeat, NOT a legitimate party. They are Republicans, plain and simple. There has never been nor will there ever be a tea tardy candidate… EVER. They are Rethugs riding on a tsunami of ignorance voted into office by the ignorant, the racist, the mindless, the bitter, the gun totin’, the wife beatin’, and/or the short-sighted. EVERY teatard is a republican. There are NO exceptions to this rule. They’ll fight adamantly against this charge, but I have their voting patterns to back my accusation. They have always and will ALWAYS vote Republican and therefore they are Republicans themselves. Ever notice how tea tardy candidates always run as Republicans with a tiny disclaimer about tea tardy affiliation? Yeah, there’s a reason for that. The tea tardy is not a legitimate face on the political scene. It’s more like a blemish upon it, a sebaceous cyst if you will. Case in point: Ron’s Johnson. He’s a republican. He got into office because of teatards… well and his millions of silver fucking spoon dollars… but in the end, he only gave them a slight nod that hinted that he appreciates the support of their votes. It went something like this: “I did kind of spring out of the Tea Party” and that “I’m glad to be associated with it.” Sure he is. More fodder for the corporate pulp machine. Even Kimbo is running as a Republican because she knows… she fucking KNOWS… that the tea tardy is not a legitimate political party. Say it with me. The tea tardy is not a legitimate political party.

So anyway, back to Holperin. This guy’s been here before, during the time when state troopers from all districts were blazing their sirens to travel across this state at 130mph to intervene at the violent spear fishing protests in the 90’s. He won that time, but people weren’t nearly as teatarded back then. We didn’t have these defective human beings, these societal abominations called teabaggers (again, the disgusting people on the right, not the righteous sex act). I really don’t know what the future holds for senator Holperin. Only painful time will tell. It’s Jimbo v. Bimbo in a northern Wisconsin showdown. It’s a rumble in the bumble! Tune in next month. I just hope he doesn’t get speared through the back by her flag adorned cross from above her bed where all her children sleep with her in case the rapture comes during the night. Fingers crossed my friends… for those end times as much as a Holperin victory!

Peace,

Sturm

"USA! USA! USA!"

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