"Paging mister Herman. Mister Herman. You have an offer you best not refuse by three gentlemen in long white robes and pointy hats at the front desk."

Herman Cain. The teabaggers’ wild card to fight the crazy unfounded accusations of racism. Sounds to me like it’s merely an opportunist with a different skin tone. I’m sorry, but it is completely and fundamentally wrong that a black man (I refuse to use the presumptive and insulting label African American) is  affiliated with the GOP and even remotely with the teabaggers (not a legitimate party). The GOP, with teabaggers included by default as they are political parasites riding on the Republican slipstream, is the party of the south, the party filled with all those chest thumpin’, whoopin’ and hollerin’ Confederates that are still angry about losing the Civil War. (Sidenote: the north won on the important issue of slavery, but we may have actually lost the Civil War as a whole as we are still stuck with the south, a land that brought us upstanding organizations such as Wal-Mart, Coke, Winston-Salem, NASTARD, and the KKK. Yippee! Thanks for the assist, assholes. Just because Wal-Mart is a financial juggernaut, doesn’t make it a valuable asset.)

So Mister Cain is a Repube, a token black  Repube arriving on the scene to conveniently dispel accusations of racism pre-November 2012. Guess what all of you teabaggers? It doesn’t dispel it. It makes it more obvious. It’s like saying: “I’m not racist. I have a black co-worker.” And let me clarify something for you, he is a REPUBLICAN, not a teabagger. You teabaggers are just latching on to him because he welcomes you for votes. Tell me something. Why weren’t your black supporters and “leaders” nearby to hear your “party’s” borning (or rather boring) cry? Where were they? Advocating for social justice and change? Still fighting against the pervasive racism still present within American society? Activities you assholes as a whole have always and will always be adamantly opposed to? Guess what teabaggers? Herman Cain supports… are you ready for this?… AFFIRMATIVE ACTION!!! Don’t it just make your tea poisoned blood boil? Fucking ignorant, short-sighted assholes.

So we’ve determined that Herman Cain is black and the teabaggers are trying to capitalize on it as if they are P.R. geniuses (they’re not). Besides deserving a shameful wag of the finger for pandering to the racist and degenerate teabaggers to get their votes and to corporate America (he was CEO of Godfather’s Pizza after all), let me tell you the things I detest about mi hermano Herman, yo.

Welfare– In typical teabagger/Repube fashion, he has the ultra prevalent view on welfare that its recipients are ALL freeloaders. He was quoted as saying:Programs today are designed to make people more dependent rather than less dependent. Sure, it’s a little less insulting and open to more pleasant interpretations (is it?), but it’s essentially saying the same thing every other compassion free conservatard has been saying since their ideology’s ill advised inception: “Fuck the poor. Fuck ’em hard!”

Religion–  Herman Cain is adamantly opposed to islam (not capitalized to emphasize insignificance). Now I wouldn’t have a problem with this fact as I hate religion… ALL religion… but Herman’s bias comes in the typical teabagger /religious right winger paranoia that the “blasphemous” muslims are trying to take over the U.S. by infiltrating it’s politics. How did he word it… hmm I can’t remem… oh right: “There is this creeping attempt, there is this attempt to gradually ease Sharia law and the Muslim faith into our government. It does not belong in our government. This is what happened in Europe. And little by little, to try and be politically correct, they made this little change, they made this little change. And now they’ve got a social problem that they don’t know what to do with hardly.”   Typical teabagger. I bet he believes Obama is directly involved. He condones undying support of the jewish state of Israel and would allow them to behave in any way that would promote the destruction of their and apparently our muslim enemies. Oh, he also detests the idea of two men or two women in love. He will stop at nothing to prevent the consummation of their fiendish unions. Yup. Typical. Of course, his ultra-rational religious beliefs segue perfectly into…

Abortion– Anti. Very anti. So anti, he desires the defunding of Planned Parenthood, because all they do there is abortions. If only PP did other things like sex education, child rearing education, disease prevention, health screenings, networking for further social assistance… if only. If only. (Sidenote: Can we please stop this bullshit pro-life label? It makes religious right wingers sound like humanists when they are anything but.)

Health Care– Is it any surprise that an ex-CEO favors a free market based health care system? It’s all about the profits, not the prevention (see also Planned Parenthood). It’s about corporations bidding on your health care. Just because the US has some of the best care/knowledge, does NOT make us the best deliverer of said care/knowledge.

Looks like we got ourselves another illegal border crosser... Nope, it's just an innocent animal enjoying the fruits of arctic sovereignty.

The Environment– Apparently Herman Cain supports the R&D of renewable energy. I find this hard to accept as more than a pathetic sound byte as he simultaneously supports the expansion of wilderness and off-shore drilling (Drill baby! Drill!). Don’t take my word for it though, here are his stances, in his own words. Surprise. He mentions oil, gas, and coal beneath our feet. Renewable? Not even close. At least he gave a microscopic nod to hydroelectric power. I like how he said of opening protected lands: “And if any caribou got lost near that less-than-two-acre carve-out of ANWR, I seriously doubt that they would even notice or care.” Asshole. What about another 2 acres and another 30 and that 75 over there? Slow destruction is still destruction. Herman Cain screams about “our right” and that natural means “they were put there for us to use”. Really? Even in an unnatural way that destroys other natural resources? In his pathetic diatribe, he never mentioned changing our consumption practices or developing new RENEWABLE sources of energy. To him (and Repubes and their teabagger leeches) energy independence means taking what is in the earth until it is gone. It’s all so illogical and a self-fulfilling prophecy so dark that I don’t know where to begin. Clearly he is yet another hand that feeds the oil industry. How shocking coming from the party of greedy, profit sighted corporate elitists. Expanding any kind of drilling is a bad idea, especially at the expense of arctic and ocean ecosystems.

I know there are retards that think oil has been vilified and that we should not change because petroleum is in so many things we use (see Larry “the retard” Gamble), so I’ll just address them with a brief statement that says that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t change. No rational environmentalist is saying cut oil completely, they are encouraging the sharp decline/ultimate cessation of fossil fuels consumed by vehicles and homes and businesses. Larry reported that out of a 42 gallon barrel of oil, “only” 19 gallons are used to produce gasoline (not diesel, motor oil, and home energy by the way. That comes out of the remaining 23 gallons). That’s 43.182% of every barrel! That’s not a pawltry number and again, it does NOT include diesel fuel which fuels all trains and worse TRUCKS on U.S. highways. You’re an intellectual lightweight Larry. I destroyed your numeric “logic” in a few seconds of analysis. Listen. Change in oil consumption, namely truly renewable energy advancement, is feasible and it is essential for our planet’s future. Plastics also need to be re-engineered into something we can easily recycle and reuse in future products. Hmmm, there I go again talking about the future of this planet, something teabaggers like Larry Gamble and Herman Cain care nothing about. Have they already forgotten what BP did to Alaska’s North Slope, Prudhoe Bay, Texas City, and the Gulf of Mexico? I haven’t. Every other major player in the oil industry is just as guilty. There can be no forgiveness. There can be no forgetting.

Edumakashun– Herman Cain believes in rewarding teachers who perform well. This is something I could start to get on board with, but the problem is, in any bureaucratic organization the line between performance and favoritism becomes desperately blurred. At least he makes an open connection between education and success. Too bad most of his supporters are blatantly lacking in this necessity.

"Cyberdyne systems model 101 reporting for duty... I do not have a US passport. I am not an American citizen, I am a robot designed to protect Amer... what do you mean I cannot enter... Does not compute."

Immigration– More sound bytes to placate the xenophobes of this bland country. He believes in securing the border, probably with Cyberdyne sytems model 101 patrol units that will shoot any “wetback” that moves. Seriously, people. Most of these people aren’t criminals. Have you seen the shit going on in Mexico? People, children included, are being murdered and beheaded. Thanks war on drugs! Nearly as many have died in the past several years as the number of American soldiers in Vietnam. I’d run too. Should they come here legally? Yes, but this “more perfect union” doesn’t seem to help them out with said process. I’d like to see these xenophobic conservatives enjoy just one day without their Mexican brethren and sistren in this country of ours. Ay yi yi! No es bueno.

Enemies of the state– North Korea, Iran, Russia. Yawn. Enough said.

Well, that’s about it. Kinda long, I know but kinda necessary too in order to dispel the building mythology enveloping this “dark horse candidate” (his words, not mine). I can explain him in vastly simpler and more accurate terms. You know what Herman is? He’s the Repubelican version of the most recent entry into the Call of Duty video game series. He’s exactly the same shitty game as the previous versions, he just has different skin now. But alas, it’s more than enough to distract the simple-minded, ADHD citizens of the U.S. and A. Sigh. Too bad Herman Cain can’t be reprogrammed as easily as a video game…



"My name's Dale, and I hope that Herman Cain guy don't win. I just can't bring myself to vote fer no niggar. It's really unfortunate as I agree with his stance on them blasphemous sand niggars. So I'm racist. BFD. The consort... the consuma... the constipation... whatever it's called. You know, that paper that says this is a country full 'o free-dumbs? Read it 'n weep libs!"