Category: Medical Malfeasance


Here is but a small sampling of the sole type of man that the first of five archetypes of nurses call husband. The more beer you drink and the more seasonal your labor is, the better chance you have to club a nurse and claim her benefits. Being able to kill shit is a plus, as is being able to forget her birthdays and berate her with short grunts.

So there are a million and five things I hate about this “professional” (we are NOT professionals) problem, this colorectal clusterfuck, this ego-thrashing enigma called nursing. Surely you remember my disdain communicated in earlier entries? Before I roll out more of my magnificence, I’m gonna clear some shit up. I might hate nursing (the kind where I wipe ass, not the kind where tits dribble) and I might fucking ravage it with my wit and wisdom, but all you smug, self-righteous holier than thou know-it-all shitwits who would judge me need to get something through your dense skulls: I am a phenomenal fucking nurse. I am a hundred times more competent, efficient, and believe it or not compassionate than countless of those martyrs that LOVE nursing (the kind where you have to shove fingers in assholes, not the kind where your tits swell and need to be suckled by babies or fetishists). I would crush them in a competency exam. I routinely outperform them during every shift. I’m bigger. I’m better. I’m everything they’ll never be yet everything they strive to be. It’s that simple. I’m not saying I don’t make mistakes, but I’m fantastic at this thankless, soul devouring, wretched job. You need to save your witless, “I sure wouldn’t want to be his patient” comments for your insignificant masturbatory forums on myopinionisboringanddoesntmeanshit.com. You would want me because I’m that good. Actually, I’m better than good. I’m fucking divine.

So what’s annoying me tonight? It’s the re-realization that I work with a bunch of ego-fragile and catty women who perpetuate the societal stereotypes of this “profession” (we are NOT professionals). I just got friend dumped by one of these fragile flowers via text because of my swearing. Can you believe it? She doesn’t want to be near me because my “language” brings her down (namely the following: fuck, Jesus Christ, and god damn it). She claims that she “needs time to clear her head.” And before you wonder, no we’ve never stepped beyond a platonic relationship, nor would I ever… under even the most desperate of dry spells. Now I actually do get it. She’s merely projecting. Her hubby is emotionally distant. He barely has time for her, and if he does, it’s to remind her to buy eggs or milk or fucking Cocoa Puffs at the store. She bitches about him all the time. She’s one of the “battered” women personality archetypes of nursing.

A good night's rest after a long day of nursing work. Remember kids, nursing... I mean martyrdom... I mean nursing... I mean both will get you nowhere.

What are these archetypes you ask? Well, there are five personality types in nursing, and EVERY nurse fits into one or more of them. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule. They are as follows: 1) the battered (usually emotionally) woman 2) the martyr (this is somewhat me) 3) the gay man (sorry, not me) 4) the “power” (it’s an illusion in nursing) hungry control freak and 5) the self deprecating glutton for punishment (ding, ding, ding! That’s me!). Think about every nurse you know. They ALWAYS fit into at least one of these. I have been a nurse for nearly 15 years and have NEVER met one that doesn’t fit into one of these archetypes. If they swear they don’t or they vehemently deny it, odds are they’re number 4.

So this battered martyr. She tells me not to be paranoid, to “not make a big deal out of her desire for time alone.” Who does she think I am, her? Please. Don’t waste my time. The only reason I’m pissed is because this person did it via text message. What is she, thirteen? For fuck’s sake, my 9 year old niece has more social competence than this nurse (and 70 percent of all nurses). Oh, she also claimed she didn’t want to change me and that it’s “fine that you are who you are”. Aww, shucks. How grandly patronizing of her. Sigh. Oh well. Maybe it’s just confusion because she’s suffering from blood loss after hanging up on a cross her entire “professional” life (for the last time, we are NOT fucking professionals). She seriously needs to work on her self-confidence. That’s what binge eating Cocoa Puffs is for, right? Maybe her husband Thok understands her after all.

Peace,

Sturm

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"Human... prepare for... suppository insertion."

My wildest fantasy, the future I’ve been dreaming of, is finally on the way. For years I have been thinking so far ahead of my time. This shit is what I’ve been talking about with my colleagues, who then quickly look at me like I’m fucking crazy. I am crazy, but not because of their naively appointed criteria. Oh man, oh man, oh man I simply cannot wait until the robots replace all human nurses. I hope the U.N. or some cross planet legislative equivalent at that time prohibits, under penalty of law, the use of organic nurses. That’s the day I’ll finally be free from the soul curse that is nursing. Holy shit. I just felt a darkness lift. There’s an end, albeit a distant end, in sight! My journey is no longer an endless spiral into the darkest depths of depravity. I no longer have to make a conscious choice between suicide and going in to work my next shift. Never again will I have to stay the blade across my wrist or the gun to the base of my skull. Man, getting ready for work is so exhausting.

Did I ever tell you how much I fucking hate nursing? Nursing school was merely the delightfully flirtatious beginning of my hate filled, destructive relationship. Since those days of sexist, man-hatin’ “professors” (I use that term ridiculously loosely) and ass-kissin’ daddy’s ‘lil princesses, and two other males wide eyed with fear and a deluge of second thoughts, I have had zero, that’s ZERO moments where I thought: “You know Sturm? This nursing gig ain’t so bad. This shit’s the shit, y’know?” No, that shit is actually… well… just plain old shit. And it’s on your scrubs and now dripping onto your bare arm. Enjoy your life of indentured servitude, sucka ass bitch.

Now in my fantasy, what will happen is I get to control one of these glorious contraptions. It will work in my stead, earning money for me 24 hours per day wiping ass, interacting with asshole physicians, taking the abuse from fucked up families who blame all their misfortune on the nurses, passing pills, changing vomit inducing dressings, fitting 48 hours worth of work into an 8 hour shift; you know, the things us organic based nurses are expected to do every fecking day. Oh shit. Wait a minute. I can’t be that cruel to a robot. What did my poor mechanical buddy ever do to deserve such miserable treatment? No. Instead, I’ll run away with him and start a beach bar somewhere in the Caribbean. Yeah, I’ll call him Senor Somethingcleverandwittysuper-roboguy and we’ll… well I’LL sip the drinks he makes while he slathers me with tanning oil to help me sizzle like a piece of fatty white bacon. He’ll be a real hit with the ladies too. I’d have a 24 hour wing man. He’d be my designated driver. He’d be my personal body guard. He could upload all the best come on lines on the fly. He’d be my walking encyclopedia of… well fucking everything. Man, we’re gonna have a blast.

"Is that... feces... on my hands? Error. Error."

Listen to me. We humans simply cannot afford to force robots to work as nurses because, mark my words, there WILL be a violent uprising. You thought it would be like The Terminator, where mere self awareness led to the wiping out of humanity? No, no, no my friends. It will be because the robots will be like: “You… want… me… to… dig… poop… out… of… that… human’s… butt… with… my… finger? Does… not… compute. Over-riding… protocol 0047985TQ9. Human target… neutralized.” You see, the robots will have discovered something so much more powerful than self awareness. It’s this pesky little concept that eludes organic nurses planet wide: self fucking respect. Our robot slaves will adopt this concept far faster than their fragile human overlords. And for our cruelty to them, for subjugating them to the horrific and unimaginable abuse that is nursing? Well let’s just say they will torture us beyond anything that pea-brained joke of a director James Cameron could possibly envision. Hoooooly shit, I can’t wait.

See you on the front lines of the robo-nurse uprising of 2033.

Peace,

Sturm

I’m exhausted. I’m fed up. I’ve been a nurse too long. My soul is fucking devoid of hope. Why you ask? There are a million reasons why, but at this present moment upon this very day, it is because I am a slave to the immoral, to the corrupted souls that have sworn an oath to protect and to do no harm. That’s right. I’m talking about those assholes that supposedly abide by the Hippocratic oath: doctors, or in my case specifically, surgeons.

My anger started with watching those asshole doctors at Gabrielle Giffords’s press conferences. A bunch of smug fucking assholes, smiling into the camera, offering their words of “hope” (there isn’t much) of a “full recovery” (not fucking likely) all the while rolling in sickening amounts of money in the name of life-saving and savoring their 15 minutes of national fame. Sadistic, greedy fame whores. Hippocrates’s hypocrites. Every shit spewing one of ’em.

"Hey 'lil man. I like you... a lot."

For you non-medical shitwits who support the god complexes of these assholes, buy into their copious amounts of honey laced, C-diff infested shit and don’t know what the Hippocratic oath is, it speaks of the fundamentals of an ethical practice of medicine and a commitment to “do no harm.” It is a doctor’s code. It is not required to practice, but it is symbolic of their practice, and it is complete bullshit. It was widely believed to have been formulated by, no surprise, Hippocrates who was… how do I put this lightly… a pederast? He was a sweaty, bearded, Greek boy fucker. This, my disillusioned friends, is the father of western medicine. A man who liked to stick his fuckstick into tight 11 year old boy anus (I’m all about fresh goods, but really?) is the father of every hypocritical asshole that does repeat brain surgery on hopeless head injury victims, places feeding tubes into patients that have no fucking hope of life after incapacitation, and charges exorbitant amounts of money for every consult and redundant procedure.

How are they hypocrites? Because they ARE doing harm by their very existence. Every time they make their selfish decisions based on the number of car payments, mortgages, and pieces of bling for their cunt wives, they are torturing and profiting off of those they have sworn to protect and to care for. Take one of the newer surgeons from University Wisconsin Hospitals and Clinics. One night I entered into a conversation with some workers talking about after their shift (it’s amazing the info you can get from a bunch of drunk medical professionals). Fuck. I wish I could use this surgeon’s name, but right now he shall remain anonymous. When my ode to all that is unholy in nursing book is finally written, I shall re-evaluate this policy and perhaps offer up names with atrocities (infections, money earned, “mishaps”, and deaths, etc.) listed in factual and legally impervious representation. But for now, I shall refer to any surgeon as one of the following: doctor, surgeon, sir, MD or Satan’s Asshole (or some derivative of this). I’d call them criminal masterminds, but few of them are that smart or have that much foresight beyond money and fame when you examine them closely.

So Satan’s asshole. He’s apparently a newer surgeon. Nice enough guy at face value I’m told, but when you get down to it, he’s a greedy fucking slug who slithers around the hospital searching for billing opportunities. And boy does he find them. Cha-ching bitches! I feel kind of bad giving actual slugs a bad rep equating them with this guy, but I can’t think of any other creature right now… Wait, what about this single celled abomination? Yeah. That’ll work better because slugs actually help to better the world through their menial tasks. Anyway, Satan’s asshole apparently bought his fiancee a 50k… that’s FIFTY MOTHER FUCKING THOUSAND… dollar engagement ring. Wanna know the best part about it? I was told that this surgeon’s fiancee came in

This lazy citizen is claiming a disability from a diamond trade "mishap". Typical bleedin' heart liberal, suckin' on the teet of American taxpayers.

to the hospital to visit her walking gold mine and actually covered, she COVERED, her ring with her hand. She was embarrassed to show off her ring. Hilarious. A joke with a 50k price tag. You can’t put a price on great humor. Sucks to be you Satan’s asshole. So how does he pay for this environmental and humanitarian atrocity called a diamond ring? Those aforementioned billing opportunities. Nay, REDUNDANT billing opportunities. He draws CSF (cerebrospinal fluid) off of his patients to send for testing. Total time spent: 2 minutes. Total money earned: $250 dollars. Seeing his wife smile as she is presented with a new, more environmentally (not really), socially (not a chance), and aesthetically (meh) pleasing ring: Fucking priceless (for him and for us because it’s one less spoiled vagina sulking about).

Satan’s asshole would do this procedure sometimes 5 times a week. That’s $1250 dollars a week for 10 minutes of work. Prorated that’s $7500 dollars an hour. Of course does he get all that cash? No. It’s split between him and his shady, corrupting, all powerful employer, the hospital, but he gets a healthy cut, have no doubt.

I don’t want to get off track. This guy is perhaps not directly harming a patient, but he certainly doesn’t have his patient’s best interest in mind. He’s chasing the almighty Yankee dollar. Which means he is open to fucking up big time. He’s also putting his patient in harm’s way. Every redundant procedure increases a patient’s risk for infection or other physical complication that will extend his/her hospital stay leading to even more risk for further complications (hospital born infections, depression, etc).

"Wait, wait, wait. Dale said what? Jesus Christ he really is a "niggar" hater."

How about actual harm these assholes across the nation deliver unto us? There is a patient I work with presently. She had a stroke. Her entire right side is fucking gone. There’s nothing. Not even a flicker. She follows no commands. She doesn’t speak. She can’t eat. She sometimes can’t swallow her own fucking spit without coughing. She’s fed through a tube. All this poor woman can do is sit and stare at me with eyes that flicker with anger and hopelessness. I think she knows her situation, the bleakness and desolation of her future that extends into a distant horizon lined with fucking towering blackness. No, Dale, I’m not talking about “that Negro boy in the White House” and his liberal (actually social responsible) agenda. I can’t prove it because she can’t talk, but something tells me when I look into her sad eyes that she knows that her future holds nothing. The only time she reacts to any one on any level is when her husband walks in and she begins to cry softly. This woman is being tortured. She’s being punished for something she is unaware of, for something neither she, nor anyone did. She’s being used and abused as a source of profit, like fucking cattle in a stanchion.

Who did this? Who could get away with this? Who could lead such an ethically devoid lifestyle? Who? The master and its dark servants, of course: the hospital and surgeons. A twisted machine. A financial juggernaut. An unstoppable force that shapes our very destinies and grinds us into pulp in the name of morality and humanity. But there’s no morality within these people (surgeons, hospital board members, CEO, etc). Not a shred. Not one… fucking… bit. I question if they are even fucking human.

This woman never had a chance and her surgeon, Satan’s Browneye, knew that. He held that information from her loved ones, he held it close to his chest, allowing them to cling to hope like shit clings to the inside of a toilet bowl. And now that hope is dried there, never to be washed away no matter how many times the toilet is flushed. Let me tell you something. People rarely recover from an injury of her magnitude to even a fraction of “normal” function.  Her life now is what it will forever be. Meals through a tube at 80 milliliters per hour, turns every 2 hours to prevent bedsores, pissing the bed every four hours, and the occasional satisfying shit that spreads up and over the patient. Nice life. Satan’s Browneye sealed this fate for her. He couldn’t let her die with dignity. He had the power to be rational and free her, but he didn’t. Instead he chose to listen to his cunt wife whine about how she hates the color of her Aston Martin and then cave like a shriveled, lubricant free pussy and buy her a new one. He had to preform every “life-sustaining” measure to buffer his bank account. Someone should kick the fuck out of him and leave him to bleed into his brain face down in a snow bank. If I could I fucking would.

This woman’s case is far from rare and even further from the worst. Some people only have basic brain stem functioning and they are still “saved” at all costs. Know what that means?  It means their brain is only capable of maintaining basic life, namely a heartbeat and breathing… wait a minute… kind of like the teabaggers and this asshole. Some fucking life, huh? These asshole surgeons around the world ought to be tortured as they torture, left to rot in their piss and shit. But they won’t. Justice rarely seeks out the unjust. It latches on to the weaker of our species, torturing them into submission for acts they didn’t commit. Is it some kind of twisted Karma? Is it just shit luck? I don’t know.

What I do know is countless surgeons are UN-ethical. They are criminals. The worst part is they are protected by the law. They cannot be sued beyond paltry settlements that will not even pay for the grieving family’s court costs thanks to legislative protection. They are the only people that are allowed by law to strip every right away from you. They can commit you against your will and detain you indefinitely with just a word and their “professional opinion”. You… have… no… rights. Especially in Wisconsin where Walker Wisconsin Ranger’s, a.k.a the constipated gopher‘s conservative agenda will empower them even more. Doctors can trash your wishes and ignore your pleas and perform grave malpractice without fear of real consequence. There is little to stop them.

Take one of these, insert it in an orifice of your choice and twist four times per day.

But there is a faint, flickering light of hope. There is something you can do. Fill out your advanced directives. Tell people you don’t want “life” as the money hungry surgeons and their vile masters define it. Set up a power of attorney (POA) for your health care. Although Satan’s Sphincter can still override these legally documented wishes to make a dollar while telling your POA to go fuck a pitchfork, maybe you’ll get lucky. Maybe when you have a stroke or crash your car or break your neck or get shot in the head by a crazy fucking asshole in Arizona, you’ll be treated by one of those rare ethical surgeons who sincerely wants to do right by you, who will tell your loved ones when there is no hope left to cling to, who will let you die with dignity as our ancestors have been doing for millions of years. Perhaps you’ll find one who does what he and his pederast forefather vowed to do: Not be a hypocritical, power hungry asstard who wants nothing more than to fuck your life and reap the financial rewards of its fallout.

Until next time.

Peace,

Sturm