Ladies and gentlemen! Introducing the one, the only, the great king of the catholics, leader of the ME world, Pope Benedict XVI, Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger. (Psst! FYI, this asshole outright supported the gassing of jews. Just sayin’.)

Is anyone else bored? I am. Yup, I’m dead bored dames and dudes. No, not by my constant pleas for human decency. Shit, certainly not by my incessant drum banging about how we can and should and must strive to be better people. Dammit, of course not about how we are all an integral part of this incredible compression of stardust orbiting one tiny isolated star orbiting one of millions, perhaps even billions of super massive black holes within our known universe. And no, fuck you if you think I’m talking about how terribly wretched and horribly inconsequential and utterly useless Republie/cons and their teabagger leeches are. No, fuck those assholes that mean little more than the piss soaked litter mashed between my cat’s toes. No, what I’m talking about is the real bullshit that plagues humanity, the plague to end all plagues, the mental illness that affects well over 3 billion unfortunate souls within this tiny, insignificant world. Religion.

Surprise, right? The fact that I hate religion that is. Bet you didn’t know that, did you? Nah, it’s true I hate it. I hate it with all my sole. Sorry assholes, I didn’t misspell anything. I am indeed talking about the bottom part of my shoe that gathers dust, dirt, and dog shit because that is far more useful than my “soul”, an imaginary bullshit idea created by religious right-tards like Kooky Kleefisch and Frothy Discharge and especially that fucking mega-asshole boy-fucker of a Hitler Youth Pope Eggs Benedict the XVI. What an asshole Joe is. Fuck him. Someone warn that worthless space jew Padme Amidala!

Only the finest and bravest of souls are welcome in Jesus’s imaginary army. Onward brainwashed soldiers!

It’s shocking, isn’t it? I know. Take a breath though and bear with me for a moment.  I’m a man with an open mind. No, I really am. You see, I abhor ALL ideas of religion and supposed enlightenment that accompanies this word no matter what subscription of this shitty magazine the deluge of the dim have purchased from that poor door to door gentleman. Don’t believe me? Go read the long back log of my fucking blahging grandiosity. I’ve never apologized, and I never will for my intolerance of religion, for you see, it’s just that I simply cannot help myself. Don’t you get it? When people choose, when they fucking CHOOSE to act mentally deficient without the convenient excuse of a traumatic brain injury or an extra chromosome, I can’t help but criticize. I can’t help but attack. I have to act. I must act. We all must act or we risk falling into their web of fatigue.

I’m not sure what’s gotten me so riled up. Perhaps it was an afternoon of philosophical discussion with my incredibly intelligent friend who could probably shit more sense than myself. It’s certainly that and also the fact that just this week I found out that I work with a creationist at my new job. A creationist folks. I actually met in the flesh one that believes everything we see here simply appeared on a bright sun shiny day six-thousand years ago. It just appeared. Not four, not five, but six, count ’em six thousand years ago. Nevermind fossil records within earth’s strata which they explain these away because of the flood and the order of which creatures were killed. Seriously. Don’t believe me? Check it out:

Hard to make it through that shit, isn’t it? I don’t blame you if you turned it off. You get the idea after a few minutes. It’s the fossil record explanation that is comical as hell. These “people” sound like four year olds scrambling to find answers. The thing is, a four year old from a well educated family could come up with a far better explanation than this four plus minute video pieced together by a creationist. And yes, you assume right if I am implying that religious families are less intelligent than non-religious ones. I’ll say it again, there is nothing intelligent about intelligent design.

“Is that an evangelical I smell? I better get out of here. Those fuckers are scary.”

So what do creationists believe beyond the earth’s age of a paltry six millenium? They believe that dinosaurs and humans coexisted. This alone is such a ridiculous claim that it is nearly impossible to attack. I think that’s what they count on. Say something so incredibly ignorant and ridiculous, that most people will have no chance of refuting their claims. The dipshit creationist I work with answered my inquiry about Flintstonian history with this:

“Dinosaurs existed during the time of humans because the bible talks about leviathan.” Really? Because a shitty story book talks about a non-specific giant creature, they were obviously describing dinosaurs? WRONG! What about Odysseus? What about all the crazy stuff in that amazing book? Am I to assume those were real too? It’s written far better than the bible, so I’m going to go ahead and assume that book happened too. What about Lord of the Rings? How do we know J.R.R. Tolkein didn’t get all of his information from “god”? It’s certainly more detailed than the bible in it’s entirety. What about my blog? It’s surely a better read than the bible, and I guarantee I can intellectually out perform any dimwit that wrote a piece of the bible and also those that cling to it mercilessly. Maybe my words are the words of god. Ever think about that?

I haven’t, because they’re not. You know why? 1) Because I don’t know shit about the future. 2) I don’t think my opinion means a shittin’ thing to anyone but myself. 3) I’m not an egotistical fucking idiot shitstain. 4) There is no god. That’s why. “The word of god” is an inner voice. It’s an opinion spewed upon the masses as something beyond an opinion. And this shitty opinion is passed on as “wisdom” to infect the masses in the form of mental illness.

VY Canis Majoris at 2200 times larger than the sun, is the largest star in the known galaxy and it was just there from the start. God just “breathed it out one day.” The laws of physics do not apply to these fiery balls of baby jesus poop.

Guess what else creationists believe? That people lived to be 900 years old. Want to know how they explain this “scientifically”? Because the earth was under the affects of a green house affect thousands of years ago, which is why dinosaurs got to be so big. It makes me laugh just thinking about it. Child’s play my friends. Fucking child’s play. Oh, and as for the argument that “It was just there one day…” This denies all the laws of physics. All of them. Shit doesn’t just appear. When I asked creationist idiot at the desk next to me how she explains the presence of galaxies 13 billion light years away… “They were just there from the start. God breathed them out.” When I asked about how she and her ilk explain viruses and bacteria mutating to not just survive but to thrive… “They were just there. It’s just what they do. God commands it.” When I asked about the different phases of a star’s life, including our own… “They were just like that from the start. It’s god’s will.” See what I mean? You can’t argue with “logic” like that. It’s impervious because “it just is.”

I don’t really want to waste too much time disputing creationists specifically because it is simply impossible to argue with the ignorant. It’s also a waste of time, because it’s not about creationism alone. It’s about christianity, it’s about hinduism, it’s about islam, it’s about mor(m)onism, it’s about scientology, it’s about buddism. It’s about all of these subsets of human ignorance that cling to beliefs that have been and will continue to be proven false just by their sheer stubbornness and resistance to knowledge. All religion is a mental illness that clouds the judgement of its followers, forcing them to abide by laws forged of the strongest ignorance, hatred, intolerance, and wickedness. ALL RELIGION. There are no exceptions.

What makes me right you’re asking? Me. I deemed myself correct. I have just as much right to this claim as Pope Eggs Benny, or the dolly lamo, or that idiot polygamist from the 1840’s, or that awful science fiction author pederast, or… My beliefs are forged from theories, some false and some true but all of them ever changing. If I’m wrong, I learn why and adopt to the new laws of science. The problem with all the other faiths is that they don’t change. They cling to the xenophobia, the racism, the misogyny and the straight up ignorance of their ancestors and they don’t change. Ever. Well, unless it is financially or politically beneficial for example when suddenly it became okay to eat fish on Fridays in the earlier days of the cathoholic church because the fishermen couldn’t make a living.

The best religion is defined by the biggest spread. Go team methodist!

This is all coming from a pastor’s kid. I’ve lived and breathed this shit, and let me tell you something, I called the Kumbyah singing, hand holding, belief in a floating all powerful man (it’s ALWAYS a man) early on for what it was. Bullshit. One hundred percent bullshit. But I do miss those potlucks. Man, nobody does potlucks like the fucking Methodists.

Too bad it isn’t the methodists that are marching over this earth in their war on all life, trying to fuse religion with politics. If you gotta have the mental illness of religion, methodist or UCC are the best to have. If methodism (a subset of christianity) is a mild anxiety disorder, then shia (a subset of islam) is full blown fucking personality disorder. I don’t use that example to pick on islam because catholicism or mor(m)onism or missouri synod lutheran are just as horrible religious indoctrinations. It’s all ignorant and dangerous, so if you absolutely must have the disease, aim small my friends, and go with the ones that offer free food one Sunday a month.

But in the end, all christian denominations, are really only moving in one direction, the way of ignorance, an endless death march in Jesus’ imaginary army of stupor soldiers. Islam also has the same exact goal, except the stupor soldiers don’t belong to Jesus, they belong to Mohammed. And scientology stupor soldiers march forth in Xenu’s name. Me? What do I march to? Noone. Just a simple, harmless idea born in the most fiery force in the galaxy… that we were all born of stardust and we’ll return to stardust. That one day the Andromeda galaxy and the Milky Way will collide. That life will end on this planet when our star becomes a red giant. Perhaps we’ll be a space faring civilization some day in the future, but more likely we won’t. The only thing that is certain is that life has risen, and is rising, and will rise again on a rocky sphere in countless places within the universe. We are just one small, brief, and hopelessly insignificant speck within this massive universe. And believe me my friends, it doesn’t get more comforting than that.