Category: Societal Sadism

“John Daker’s going to sing a song that’s popular now-a-days, it’s called Christ the Lord is Risen Today to Claim the Souls of all Those Devil Worshipping Faggots.”

Remember a couple entries ago when I sort of defended the united methodist church? I said if you have to have the mental illness of religion, then pick being a methodist as it is essentially the lesser of all the evils? Well, I take it back. Turns out they are just as awful as the rest of ’em. Turns out the church has reaffirmed its stance that homosexuals are not people, that they are not welcome in the church because they are abominations… well their words were a bit more subtle, but the message is all the same. How did they word it? Oh right, homosexuality is “incompatible with Christian teaching”, that’s right. How wonderfully tender of them… and how patronizing.

Know what this “christian teaching” includes? Women must be quiet (1 Timothy 2:12). Slave owning is acceptable (1 Peter 2:18). FYI: These first two are from what methodists refer to as the kinder and gentler new testament. If you lie you die (Zechariah 13:3 NAB). I mean every fucking chapter in this awful waste of trees talks about god killing, maiming, being jealous, and razing the earth with natural disasters, especially if gays live there. So basically if you beat your wife, beat your slave to within an inch of his life, take an eye for an eye, and kill those who disagree (like fags), then that petulant toddler god you worship will love you and save your wicked and warped soul… and I haven’t even touched the countless other wonderful humanist teachings stuffed in there. The good book indeed.

This one book, printed more than any other, has done irreparable damage to the progression of human civilization. If it had never existed, who knows how great and advanced our civilization would be.

I used to think methodists didn’t think this way, but it turns out they do. They are horribly mutated and malignant antitheses of humanity. They have suddenly joined the ranks of great anti-intellectuals like frothy discharge, Mitt “the bully” Romney, Republicans, and every single idiot that believes prayer will fix even the simplest god-damned thing. Turns out the joke’s on these methodist idiots though, because as I’ve said before, Jesus was definitely gay. Oh yes, christian stupor soldiers, if he were alive today he’d be having a ball in Rio every year. I mean for Christ’s sake, Christ hung out with twelve sweaty men in the desert eating olives, bread, oil, fish and drinking home made wine. I bet Jesus was a master host, don’t you think? Seriously, what do you think they did that whole time, talk about their feelings? That can only entertain for so long. If he existed and if he were alive today, he’d be ashamed of every single mother fucker that dares call themselves christian in his name. These people care not for the well being of their fellow humans, only garnering more jewels for their crowns by “saving” souls. Christians in all forms are wicked beings disguising themselves as kind and caring citizens. It’s a travesty. It’s sadistic. It’s wicked beyond compare. It would be like an anti-semitic, racist creating an entertainment empire aimed at children. No one can possibly get away with that shit for very long.

Methodist idiots of the world, gather around this symbol of torture and oppression. Spread god’s word like ebola! Torture the non-believers as the Romans tortured their subjects! Smite the incompatible homos! Oh, and Praise the lord!

I shouldn’t be surprised at all of this, but I am. I guess it’s because I was raised methodist, because my parents were actually kind and welcoming methodist pastors who stood with open arms to embrace all people, no matter the color of their skin, the shade of their history, or the benign desires of their heart. I always thought the united methodist church was one of the good guys, that they had humanity’s best interests at heart. I was so desperately wrong. You know, even though I cut the church out of my life long ago in order to save my withering soul, my dead methodist pastor father taught me well what he thought being a christian means. It means caring for those less fortunate. It means loving this earth that we are on for such a short time and leaving it better than we found it. It means sacrificing yourself for the betterment of humanity as a whole, not one tiny insignificant segment. Now I don’t call myself a christian. I never have and I never will. It’s insulting to me and worse, it’s one of the most misleading, disingenuous and dangerous labels in all of human history. But you know what? I am far more “christian” than any christian alive and that is something I can take great pride in. I caught them in their lies. I beat them at their own game. I am far more worthy of an imaginary soul saving than any of them. Sure, I won’t turn the other cheek (not that they really do) and I would most definitely kill to defend those I love. I even antagonize, belittle, and attack the ignorant, racist, and dangerous (i.e. religious followers, republicans, etc.) in our midst. Of course some would say all of these behaviors counter my humanist convictions, but they don’t. They actually strengthen those convictions because unlike christians, I desire that humanity survives and even thrives through this darkening age that we have entered. Because as I’ve said many times before, we can and we should and we must do better than we are doing, otherwise who gives a fuck about our petty “souls”. They aren’t worth a fucking shit anyway. Religion prohibits this advancement, it refuses to allow us to progress beyond our feeble egocentrism. And for that I reject it in its entirety. You know what? My dead methodist pastor father would be quite proud. Sturm: 1. Christians: 0.



“Jesus Christ, finally, some peace and quiet. Matt, Mark, and Luke were driving me nuts. ‘We can’t wait to write about all this!’ they kept shrieking. ‘We can’t wait!’ Idiots will probably totally take my shit out of context. I think the only one of those assholes I’ll miss is Judas. How fucked is that? Hey guard! I’m tappin’ out. Spear me, bro!”


Well it was only a matter of time, folks. With this many misogynistic, racist, religious bigots, it was destined to happen that the fundamental values of the Republican party would come bubbling to the surface. Undoubtedly ALL four of these goons running for president think the same way, but only fecal/lube discharge had the courage to speak his mind. He just couldn’t help revealing his true feelings that Barack Obama is an “anti-war, government nig… uhh”. I applaud you, you brave and intrepid conservative soul! Certainly you’ve heard it, but just in case you haven’t, here it is in his own words:



Now I’ve already noticed the internets are lit up with frothy discharge apologists. “No man! Shit no, that’s not what he was going to say. You don’t know!” Really? Well what other word in the English language starts with the letters n-i-g? Well there’s Niger and Nigeria. Ya, we got those. But they’re pronounced n-eye. Now the only other ones I can think of are nigga, nigger, and a quick search on the internets, something this asshole should be well aware of and afraid of, reveals niglet. Shit, I’m racking my brain for other ones, especially ones readily used in conversation. No, make no mistake, this asshole meant nigger. I mean look at how he stumbles and fumbles after saying it. His voice screamed, “Oh shit, did I do that!?” He was scared and hopefully mortified, but I can’t imagine a creationist asshole like him feeling remorse or regret for such blatant disrespect. I mean it horrifies me to even use this word in this blog entry to attack his blatant racism and disrespect for another human being.

Can we dissect this quote just a bit more? Did you hear him call Barack Obama “anti-war”? As if being against war is a bad thing? Jesus Hermanos Fucking Christ this guy is jihad dangerous. Onward christian dipshits! Let’s string all the dissenters high be they muslim, black, or even slightly sinful.

But you know what? In the end, this mega-gaffe doesn’t matter. Nope, not one bit. You see, the Republicans are a bunch of racists and even if Santorum wins the nomination (which he won’t), he’ll pull as many votes as any of the other three identical goons, because the party of old white guys who love war, and persecution of homosexuals, and beating women, and raping the environment are barely one step away from their grandpappy’s pappy who loved to string up our black brethren and sistren’s ancestors. It’s appalling. It’s fucking shocking, and I know it shouldn’t be. Consider the source. What a vulgar fucking human being Frothy is. Holy shit do I use that term human being loosely.

Well, folks let’s sit back and enjoy the fireworks. If they ever arrive. I can’t imagine the media covering an important story like this. Who needs it when gas might rise to five dollars per gallon. Fucking attention deficit morons.

Peace my nnnn… ice peeps,



"Yeah? So? What's the big fucking deal?"

Flush Bimbo says, "After overdosing on sildenafil citrate (which my insurance readily pays for even though I'm rich) and then watching my wife come to fake orgasm just to get me to stop sweating and heaving on top of her, I like to listen to that disgusting homo Elton's music while contemplating the greatness of my sheer existence. It's good to be king of the teatards!"

Pill problems. What does Flush Bimbo know about pills? So it would appear that the king of the teatards, the oxycontin eatin’ asshole, the master of misogyny went and spoke out of turn and without thought (which is every time he flaps his smegma encrusted jowls) . I’m sorry, but did he actually call that vastly more intelligent and useful law student Sandra Fluke a whore, a slut, a harlot for going before our ineffectual (all of ’em for different reasons) politicians in support of birth control? For those of you who haven’t been paying attention or work too much to always catch the news, here is Flush’s self imposed debacle of embraced insanity. Now it may come as a surprise to you that I don’t like Flush. I hate him in fact. If he ate one too many twice baked pork rinds topped with sour cream, pepper jack and bacon and died from a coronary, I wouldn’t cry, in fact I’d cheer. Maybe not as loud as if Al Queda flew a plane into the Daytona 500, but I’d cheer none the less. He is a wicked creature, an abomination of human conscience who deserves nothing less than to suffer as all rats do at the hand of an overdose of D-con. He is horrible. He is heinous. He is a tax (something he hates) on society. There is no excuse and even less defense for the continuation of his existence. Hopefully he’ll soon pull an Andrew Breitbart. Man I smiled the day Andy died. Good riddance.

But let’s put my rationality aside for just a moment and speak to the abomination that is Flush Bimbo’s belief system. He, like ALL present day conservatives, believes that birth control is evil. Does he believe it separates us from his misogynistic god? Yaaaawn. Probably. Anytime anyone brings religion into the debate they automatically lose. Let’s assume for one minute that he does NOT have the ambitions of his typical religious zealot followers. Even without the mentioning of religion, he believes that all women who use and/or believe birth control should be covered by assistance programs/insurance are sluts. Don’t believe me? Read the fucking article.

Now what is typical of him and his slimy ilk is that they believe birth control should not be covered for any women, but they do believe wholeheartedly that Viagra should be covered for any men. Typical of the Davie Koch idolizing morands. Take this proof positive quote from admiral dipshit:

“Three thousand dollars for birth control in three years? That’s a thousand dollars a year of sex — and, she wants us to pay for it. … They’re admitting before congressional committee that they’re having so much sex they can’t afford the birth control pills!” 

This one quote is the only quote you need to read to realize how dangerously ignorant and fundamentally wrong Flush and his tea tardy followers are. He’s an idiot for many reasons but here because he clearly thinks that birth control is taken on an as needed basis, as if you only take a few doses here and there when you want to have the occasional round of seedy power banging. Hey Flush! It’s a continuous dose. The ladies take it every day save one week a month to make sure they bleed as nature dictates. It doesn’t matter if they fuck once an hour or once a year, the dose is the fucking same and it has to remain so in order to ensure efficacy. You’d think a guy who’s been married as many times and has flopped around like a crippled, tusk-less walrus on top of as many plastic, mannequin-esque bimbos as Flush has would understand this. But he doesn’t. And neither do any of his asshole, oxygen wasting followers. And trust me, assholes. I have insurance and my wife and I end up paying $750 out of pocket each year to prevent little ones who would be vastly more socially adept and productive and useful than Rush from escaping into the world. This is of course not even touching the fact that birth control, a hormonal regulating agent, can and IS used for an incredible number of reasons beyond preventing babies.

"With my Viagra script I shall now be able to spread my seed across this great country of mine as easily as campaign financing for wickedly ignorant and willfully malignant Republicans. Thank you Pfizer!"

But would conservatives like Flush or Santorum or O’Reilly or Cain or Palin or Perry understand the facts? Would they even care? No, because “god” (not capitalized to emphasize insignificance) commands that we don’t prevent birth. He (it’s ALWAYS a he) wants us to proliferate, because he created semen and eggs and they are meant to meet in a warm, dark, moist place to create babies. Really Flush? God made it that way? What about your flaccid pecker? Isn’t that the way god made it? If you can’t pop wood to stick it to your heinous wife (I sure as shit couldn’t get it up for her either), then isn’t that just the way it’s supposed to be? Your dick ain’t meant to get thick asshole. “god” said so. Tough shit. Fuck you if you think we should pay for your Viagra which I guarantee is more expensive than birth control. If you don’t approve of birth control for all those female sluts, then we sure as shit shouldn’t pay for Viagra for all those male sluts either, especially lurching, lumbering, useless walruses like yourself. Fair is fair, asshole. Oh, and Flush? Your precious sildenafil? That IS taken on an as needed basis, morand, and you don’t need anymore. You’re cut off you blubbering fucking bovine cunt.

But I’m wasting my calories thundering away on this keyboard. Those who need to hear and accept this never will. They are beyond reach and well beyond reproach according to their imaginary and misogynistic petulant child god. My smart followers get it. All I can say is I wish Flush’s parents had used birth control. All types simultaneously; condoms, sponges, pills, and spermicidal creams, just to prevent the creation of one of the worst mutations of the current human gene pool. Of course then who would have assisted with the proliferation of the opium trade? Certainly Afghanistan would be in an economic crisis greater than the one that is currently plaguing this great country of Flush and his tea tardy followers.

Anyway, take care peeps and bang safely and with great empowerment, even if admiral dipshit and his sheeple will call you a slut or a harlot or a prostitute for doing so. Because Flush is all about equality and sensibility, I can only assume he is directing his misfiring cannons against all of us slutty males too.


P.S. Prostitutes do far more for society than Flush ever has or ever will.

"Hiya kiddos! Are you ready to learn? I said, ARE YOU READY TO LEARN?! Okay! Boys, don't forget to place me on your penis to prevent disease and pregnancy. To do so all you do is... Umm, excuse me. Who are you? What are you doing? I'm trying to teach these kids about... the Republicans say that I'm bullshit and hurting children? Let go of me! I'm sex education!"

Abstinence. Education. Two simple words that when put together spell nothing but confusion and chaos… a place towards which the Repube-lie/cons love pushing this country. You want an abstinence education? Okay, here it is: If you don’t stick your dick in a girl (or let it slip into your pussy), one and ONLY one thing is assured not to happen: Pregnancy. I’m sure if some simpleton (aren’t they all?) right winger and their dim offspring read this, he/she would say: “Uh derpa derp. But Sturm, ah derp, you forgot ah derp about disease. Derpa derp!  You can’t ah derp get disease if you don’t ah derpa derp have intercourse.” Wrong dipshits. You see, your limited definition of sex (penis inside vagina) probably leaves out hand jobs, blow jobs, pussy eating, finger fucking, corn holing, and butt sex… oh, let’s not forget all those man on man relations (there ain’t no vaginer morands) that your traditional and antiquated “values” so shamefully abhor. What the religious right wingers and conservative tool factories of this country don’t realize is that any type of intimate physical contact is sex. End of fucking story. Of course they’d say man on man or woman on woman is an abomination and shouldn’t be engaged in anyway. They probably want to make these expressions of love punishable by death, those ignorant assholes. In the meantime they’ll settle for the punishment handed down by that petulant toddler god in the sky they worship that keeps a scorecard and gets angry at every tiny thing you do.

Abstinence education is the goal of this new “jobs bill” that the rightard red of this state have pushed through. It is, of course, yet another bullshit agenda under the guise of a “special jobs session”. Let’s do a quick recap here of this “jobs” session.

Jobs created by this special session as of November 3rd, 2011: Zero. Guns and imaginary souls “saved”: lots.

Man I hate Republicans. No good waste of space cretins, all of them. This whole abstinence education thing is a sick, sadistic joke. Actually it’s worse. It’s an advancement of the religious right wingers’ dangerous agenda to subjugate the masses and spread seeds of ignorance and intolerance all across this planet. It reeks of religious hypocrisy. Show me REPEATED research, not just one religious organization’s skewed and corrupted research, that illustrates that abstinence education ALONE works. I want scientific evidence repeated multiple times, like all proper research findings are required to list. I dare you. You can’t because it doesn’t exist. And spare me your anecdotal evidence. It’s about as useful as brains on a teabagger.

"If I can't get myself some of that sex stuff everyone's talking about, then no one will. I'm Mary fucking Lazich!"

I’m sure Walker apologists will shriek about how the libturds need to read the linked article above. You see, apologists believe that that Repube hag Mary Lazich who sponsored this shit bill isn’t saying contraceptive and disease education is being banned. Well you know what? You’re right, assholes, it isn’t being banned. But it also isn’t being required, ONLY abstinence education is. Abstinence education. Seriously, what the fuck does that mean anyway? It’s a two word lesson. Don’t and fuck. If you don’t fuck you can’t get pregnant. It’s not even a rational or remotely useful message (but then again, what is from Republicans?). It’s like saying if you don’t go swimming you can’t drown or if you don’t get on an airplane you can’t die in a plane crash if you don’t leave the house you can’t get sunburned. Stupid Republicans. What purpose do they serve in society? To remind us how utterly idiotic humans can become? I’ve seen Jersey Shore. I don’t need more reminders, least of all one this close to home. Basically this bill will force schools to ONLY teach abstinence. They can strike all teaching of contraception, disease prevention, and other science based evidence from their curriculum  without threat of punishment, but if they omit abstinence teaching they’ll be breaking the law. Pathetic.

Now I’m not saying abstinence shouldn’t at least be mentioned in sex ed teaching curriculum. It should at least get a nod. If you want to get technical, the only way to prevent disease and pregnancy with 100% unfailing success is to keep your lips, tongues, fingers, fists, toes, cocks, and pussies away from another human being. But in the end, how much is this “wisdom” worth? Next to nothing because it simply doesn’t teach kids how to deal with the raging hormones that welcome them into adulthood from a young age. Whenever I see a wet paint, do not touch sign, I always touch it, don’t you? Give me knowledge. Give me data. Give me another way beyond prayer to protect myself when I get an erection when I see sweaty athletic women at the gym. Bottom line is we are animals, just like beavers, chimpanzees, dolphins, birds, etc, whose main and only biological goal to to procreate. Just because religious right wingers have faith there’s more to it than that, doesn’t make it so. They are dead wrong.

Of course Glenn the malignant Grothman chimed in on this whole debacle of the deluded. Yeah, he had wise words to say: “We are trying to back away from the bill passed last year that we feel mandated sex ed that was too nonjudgmental, too explicit and at too young an age,” Sen. Glenn Grothman, R-West Bend.

""Just ignore it Jimmy! Pray about it! But don't masturbate! No, no, no. For if thou shouldst takest thine rod into thine own hand and floggeth it until thine cup overfloweth with the seed of man, then thou shalt gnash thine teeth whilst you descend into ash in the fires of damnation! It's true, it says that in the bible! Where? Uhhh, near the end in... um... there's a book in there somewhere that says it!"

Too “nonjudgmental”. Your party IS the party of judgment. That’s all you creatures of shadow do, so this shouldn’t surprise me. But you see, in typical right wing fashion, he’s saying children should be judged, persecuted, and made to feel uncomfortable about their bodies when they go through natural biological changes. Hormones dictate young human lives, starting younger than 12 years of age. These kids need rational advice and options to deal with these changes. The religious right’s advice? Prayer, punishment, prayer, hail mary, prayer, punishment, prayer. Rinse and repeat. Oh, and don’t forget to read the bible!

The bible, what a fucking joke. I’d guess the advice against sexual development and accompanying horniness is somewhere in the book of Neuter-lobotomy chapter 4 verse 20, but I don’t read that bat shit crazy book. It’s a waste of trees, but it just so happens to be a fantastic place to leave spare condoms for future hotel room guests. The bottom line here is that the Republicans don’t care about evidence, science, or fact. You see they are allied with the religious right in their endless war against science and their goal of creating a massive army of stupor soldiers for that ancient olive skinned Jew’s imaginary return and subsequent “cleansing” of mother earth. Need I remind you that Jesus power banged dames and dudes alike? He did. Show me evidence to the contrary. Hell, you can’t even show me evidence that he existed at all let alone he’s got a flight arriving into LaGuardia within the next millenium. You have the burden of proof, morons. Or is that too edumacashuny of an idear fer yous?

So this Republican dolt Glenn (along with too many others) thinks that teaching about condoms and birth control is “too explicit” and that children in middle school and high school are “too young”. Morons. These right wingers know as well as I know that boys start popping wood at 4 or 5 years of age. Probably younger even. It freaked me out the first time it happened. It wasn’t until some time later that socially awkward me learned how to and had the ability to take care of it. Can you imagine the abuse children in religious families go through when not surprisingly their hormones instead of an imaginary guy in the sky dictate the terms of their development? They are shamed and punished for biological development and given powerful tools like prayer to combat it. Abusive assholes. Make no mistake, depriving your children of proper resources and education are also abuses. Parents should be imprisoned for these crimes along side those that beat, starve, and sexually abuse those they are supposed to protect and nurture. But there I go again being a hippy libturd showing acceptance and compassion for my fellow humans going through confusing yet natural experiences. Shame on me. I’m such an asshole.

Can we seriously just call this what it is? A fusion of religion and politics? This has been the Repube-lie/con (and a few dip shit Democrats) agenda for no less than my entire lifetime. And if anyone thinks it’s going to stop here, they will be sorely mistaken. I predict the life at conception campaign will mutate into a life at erection campaign. If the Republicans get their way, men would do prison time for the genocide that is masturbation.  Lock me up then Republicans, because Mao Ze-Dong, Stalin, and Hitler combined have nothing on me. I murdered over 900 million precious children of god this week alone.

Bottom line, what this legislation is about is crushing these types of enemy of the state. Women’s health organizations. Crush women with a misogynistic agenda. Attack until they can retreat no longer and then attack some more. Prevent resources for rape counseling and pregnancy counseling. Make birth control a distant memory through disinformation and refusal to pay for birth control pills. Meanwhile, the Koch brothers and their servants are allowed to have insurance pay for pills to make their shriveled dicks hard once more. Glory be!

No. It’s clear to me. This whole display is just more proof that Republicans have no business in politics any more. This party is fucking dead to me. NOONE can redeem them in my eyes. They’ve pushed their dangerous agenda too long and too far. They don’t give two fetid shits about the people, only their infantile beliefs and faulty “values”. They waste their time on bullshit legislation like gun control, abstinence education, and my personal favorite the “In god (not capitalized to emphasize insignificance) we trust” motto. This fairy tale saying should be struck from all government bodies including but not limited to books, buildings, and money. I do not trust in something that punishes children for advancing into sexual maturity. I do not trust in something that punishes women for being empowered to take control of their lives. I do not trust in something that threatens my eternity when I enjoy a drink, some masturbation, or a bit of sex. I do not trust in something that threatens a man for loving another man or threatens a woman for loving another woman. And most importantly, I do not trust in something that began as a figment of a few misogynistic men’s fucking uninspired imagination for global domination a few thousand years ago. I could shit a better story than the bible in its entirety. No. You can go ahead and keep your god. I’ve got my own. In Alduin I trust. Hey, there’s just as much chance of Alduin existing as god or jaweh or allah or whatever the fuck you think his (it’s ALWAYS a man… yawn) name is. At least my “god” looks cooler and can kick the shit out of your imaginary petulant toddler friend. In the meantime, why don’t you conservative men practice what you preach. Engage in abstinence for the next 30 or 40 years. Do planet earth a favor and prevent more of your ilk by stopping your milk. That definitely would do a planetary body good.



Meet Glock. He's a man's best friend, always in your undapants for all those "just in case" moments. Nifty.

Republicans. What do they stand for? I mean beyond destroying the environment, shitting on civil liberties, and waging war on all fronts? Guns. That’s it. Specifically, the right to carry one under your shirt wherever you want. In all the legislative sessions since the beginning of Walker’s goobernatorial term, this is the ONLY thing they have to “brag” about. It’s been a long fight for these rednecks and they won. But that’s all they’ve done in ten plus months. They didn’t deal with a budget crisis because there is none. They didn’t protect the beautiful natural resources of this state because they’re working tirelessly to hand them out to the highest bidder. They didn’t do anything to strengthen the educational system of this state and subsequently its future because they defunded the fuck out of it. They didn’t bring fiscal sanity to Wisconsin because they made it a distant memory with corporate welfare handouts. Isn’t it funny how redneck republicans always shriek mindlessly about human welfare maggots with ACTUAL civil liberties and need of “handouts” in tough times but they turn a blind eye to this bullshit of corporate coddling? Stupid teabaggers. Wicked republicans. I hope some day they eat their own shit and have to go on welfare to feed their redneck babies. Stupid redneck babies. I hate those disgusting creatures. Their speech patterns and thought processes are fully developed at 3 months of age.

Now I’m going to come out and admit that I’m not really all that fired up about this law in and of itself. I don’t mind guns. I enjoy them thoroughly in fact. I don’t believe there is going to suddenly be anarchy in the streets when people (probably very few) actually begin to legally carry their firearms. It’s fine in and of itself despite its blazing uselessness. What pisses me off is that this has been the only agenda of the Republicans for years… well that and union busting and education defunding and environmental rollbacks and religious indoctrination… but this was a simple straight forward battle and they won it commandingly. Now the redneck voters will cheer about how the grand ‘ol party of racists stood up for freedumb and ‘Merica’s greatness unlike those bleedin’ heart, tree huggin’, faggot supportin’, book readin’ liberals. Scatt Wanker has secured himself at least another 3% of the vote when the recall goes through in the months ahead. Yet the bottom line is this legislation is useless. It doesn’t do anything. It’s merely a smoke screen for the right to pander to their redneck constituents. It’s masturbatory material for the dim that they can now use to throw out there while singing: “See!? You see!? At least Walker did something, unlike that poopie… poop… face Doyle!” Tell you what, teabagger. Go over there by that busy highway. Lay down across the yellow passing line, take a few sips of your Bud Light, and catch your breath. You’re going to throw a fat embolism if you don’t take the time to relax.

"What is that up there? Oh, I'm on? Hey fellow teabaggers. Just wanted to let you know you can carry guns now. That's cool, huh? It's just that... you see... what I mean is... so... so here's the thing. It just so happens I'm afraid for my meaningless existence and am banning it in the senate chamber. Sorry teatards! Freedumb isn't free!"

So here’s the other important thing, not only am I pissed off about this legislative body’s wasting time and resources on pathetic legislation, but I’m even more angry about the bull shit double standard, NIMBY (not in my backyard), hypocritical bullshit that is a tried and true pattern of the Republicans. What am I talking about? I’m talking about this happy horse shit. The Republicans are afraid of their own fucking legislation. How pathetic is that? Fitzie boy doesn’t want guns on the senate floor or in the viewing gallery for that matter. Even their offices will be off limits. What a lame brained pseudo-human that sadistic mother fucker is… and a coward. I’m sorry, but these short sighted ignorant assholes voted for this legislation and they should have to face the “consequences” like everybody else. If people want to arm themselves and stare hungrily at these morons while they work passing more inane laws, then they should be able to do so unhindered by the fear of that blubbering fuck Fitzgerald et al. How can they be all in on this legislation and then suddenly set limits? What are you afraid of assholes? I thought the whole goal of this legislation was to make people feel safer? To create a more secure state? Moronic Republicans. They are all walking ironies. They exhaust me with their stupidity.

Of course, all of this will go by unnoticed by their intellectually dull constituents. The Republican apologists will carry on in undying support of the inanity that is the GOP. They think the Dems are the party of do nothing? How can they turn a blind eye to the Repub-lie/con party? Oh, that’s right. They’re simpletons, just like the wastes of oxygen they elect to represent them. Oh well. Guess it’s high time I got my concealed carry certificate in order to protect me and my loved ones. The zombies apocalypse approaches more with each day these degenerates shamble around. Charleton Heston, help us all! Pow pow pow pi pow!



"Shibbidy bibbidy floppity gop. Wonkity slappity doodie doo wop. Nippity zippity flip flim flonts. Shimmy dimmy ding dang mein doodle schwanz." You have been listening to the abridged work of Ayn Rand, the Republican party's great philosopher.

Some call her a literary genius. Others a philosopher. Extremely misguided others even go so far as to call Ayn Rand the most influential philosopher of the twentieth century. Yeah. Sure. Check this out:  “Thanksgiving is a typically American holiday…The lavish meal is a symbol of the fact that abundant consumption is the result and reward of production.” Hmmm. Do these words sound like they come from either a literary genius or a philosopher, let alone the most influential philosopher of the twentieth century? No. She just sounds like a greedy, gluttonous asshole (conservative American). If you said yes, then you are most likely a teabagger and can stop reading post haste. For everyone else, thanks for remaining tied to reality. That quote was just one tiny sampling of Ayn Rand’s rambling… I mean “philosophy.” Seriously, Any Rand is no more of a philosopher than Charles Manson. “You eat meat and you kill things that are better than you are, and then you say how bad, and even killers, your children are. You made your children what they are….” That quote there? That is indeed from Chuck, the psycho fuck they keep interviewing every now and then because society is filled with a bunch of sadistic bastards who can’t get enough. Sadistic bastards like Ayn Rand. Too bad I happen to agree with Charlie that animals are better than we are.

Here are a few more gems, all from Rand’s inflated, self important writing/mouth flapping. Get ready to be enlightened.

The spread of evil is the symptom of a vacuum. Whenever evil wins, it is only by default: by the moral failure of those who evade the fact that there can be no compromise on basic principles.  Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal, 1966. Yawn… The word evil makes me want to take a nap for fucking ever. It’s a term abused by those who really and truly do meet the definition (conservatives, the religious right, mor(m)ons, etc…). “…no compromise on basic principles” Ayn? Is that what you believe? Kinda like GWB and his wicked wars for the sake of earning his pals shit tons of money? Kinda like the south did for so long with the retention of segregation? Kinda like when corporations during your time (and still today) dumped deadly chemicals right into the rivers and streams? Yeah, that’s what I thought. I’m gonna have to call bullshit on your “philosophical greatness.” You wouldn’t know morality if it was a tank full of napalm dropped on you and your entire village.

The argument from intimidation is a confession of intellectual impotence. The Virtue of Selfishness, 1964. Sigh… Since she’s dead, I’ll translate. What Ayn means is if you disagree with her limited understanding of… well, fucking everything… then you are intellectually impotent. Typical conservative dribble. If Rebecca Kleefisch, the lieutenant governor of this shit state, told me that the earth was created by god six thousand years ago and I stood outside her office window calling her a fucking moronic retard (which I have) for believing so and then commenced to instruct her that no, Becky, it is actually billions of years old and formed from compressed space dust and gas orbiting the sun, ALL of which resulted from an exploding star, does that mean I’m intellectually impotent? Strike two Ayn.

It is not advisable, James, to venture unsolicited opinions. You should spare yourself the embarrassing discovery of their exact value to your listener. Atlas Shrugged, 1957. Hrrmph… So why then do you venture yours?

That which you call your soul or spirit is your consciousness, and that which you call ‘free will’ is your mind’s freedom to think or not, the only will you have, your only freedom, the choice that controls all the choices you make and determines your life and your character. Atlas Shrugged, 1957. Blah, blah, blah… too bad your followers don’t “think” shit through. Could save us a lot of continued death and dismemberment. I guess thinking (or the lack thereof) really DOES determine their life and character. You got something right. One quarter point for Ayn!

Until and unless you discover that money is the root of all good, you ask for your own destruction. When money ceases to become the means by which men deal with one another, then men become the tools of other men. Blood, whips and guns–or dollars. Take your choice–there is no other. Atlas Shrugged, 1957. Now I don’t believe money is “evil”, not for a second, but for fuck’s sake, Ayn. We get it, the sight of a roll of Benjamin Franklins makes you wet. Money good. Compassion bad. If you’re not rich, you’re somebody’s bitch. She and her supporters will explain it away through rational egoism. Rational my ass. There is NOTHING “rational” about the selfishness of conservatives. It’s not like you’re teaching a battered woman to stand up for herself and be “selfish” by putting herself first for once in her repressed life, you’re talking about taking all for yourself and if others miss out on a piece of the action, then fuck ’em. If the environment whimpers while you take what’s “rightfully” yours, then clear cut and hunt them mother fuckers into extinction. Give it a rest Ayn… oh wait, that’s right. You are… you’re dead after spending plenty of government money on your failed health. What did you spend all your royalties on, cigs and booze?

These bits are just a tiny taste of the “genius,” of the “literature,” of the “philosophy” that is Ayn Rand. Pretty banal huh? And pretty predictable too, don’t you think? Worming its way throughout these and every other quote in her inflated literary repertoire is her devotion to corporate entitlement, her allegiance to conservative ignorance, her dedication to social elitism, and her inability to even try to rise above destructive human selfishness.  You know, the quotes that aren’t plagued by these thoughts that appear more like Cestoidea, are filled with nothingness. They are wordy sentences that in the end don’t say or mean shit.

"Now how did it go... I need to get the depth of her magnanimous words right. Shibbidy... doo hickey bop... No, that doesn't sound right. Shibbidy bipplebee... God dammit! Can I get another three hundred and fifty dollar bottle of wine that I deserve? I'd put it on the taxpayer dime if it wasn't for them nosey liburls. "

Now why am I all fired up about Ayn Rand, you’re asking? Well I’ll tell you. This dead selfish elitist ultra-conservative rusty tool has gathered a new generation of assholes under her banner. The Tea Tardy (not a legitimate party) and the Neo Republican party. Now straight up Republicans can occasionally… I cautiously emphasize OCCASIONALLY… be intelligent (albeit simultaneously ignorant. Or is it oblivious? Uncaring?), but the Tea Tardy members are incapable of this. You see, they cling to these 1168 pages of wasted paper in an attempt to appear intelligent, as if it lends some semblance of intelligent thought to their chants of “fiscal responsibility” with simultaneous endless wars and American centrism and survival of the fittest and “take all their shit, but not mine”. Guess what? It doesn’t. Not even close. They’re still the same ignorant, short-sighted, morandic assholes they were before hearing about Ayn Rand’s book while watching and masturbating to the sadistic misogyny of Mad Men Season 1. Hate to break it to you conservatives, but carrying that book just makes you look stupiderp. Irony’s a bitch, ain’t it teabaggers? Somehow I think Paul Ryan is “smart” enough to know his clinging to Randian “philosophies” is idiotic. Be rich or be a bitch… actually, Paul, you’ve proven yourself to be both.

But despite these floppy headed conservatives not reading and certainly not absorbing  all of Rand’s teachings (thank Jesus Hermano Christ) the things they do choose to cling to are dangerous. Take this quote:

Rationality is the recognition of the fact that nothing can alter the truth and nothing can take precedence over that act of perceiving it. Atlas (yaaaaaaaaawn) Shrugged (I need a nap) 1957.

Seems harmless enough, right? Straight forward? I don’t think so. Sounds like a subset of humanity we are all too familiar with called teabaggers. You see the problem with the fundamental belief behind this quote is, what people see as the “truth” is frequently wrong and far from rational, myself included (except when it comes to my attack upon teabaggers and conservatives, then I’m painfully right). Anyone remember the little old lies that still get perpetuated by the conservatives about the 7 million dollars in damage to the capitol during February’s protests? Remember that “truth?” I do, and when I hear it come out of some conservative’s mouth in all seriousness some seven months later, it makes me want to choke a bitch just like ‘lil Davie Prosser. There is nothing rational about disinformation and distraction and bold-faced lies spouted by the likes of Paul Ryan et al. His allies at Fox News might have the market somewhat cornered in lies and disinformation, but I do NOT give the liberal leaning networks a free pass either. It’s just that their “lies” are far less destructive to the advancement of civilization and this living, breathing planet we happen to take residence upon. The part of that quote that is most chilling, is “…nothing can take precedence over that act of perceiving it.” That sums it up folks. If it smells like truth and looks like truth and feels like truth, then it must be truth dag nabbit! This is the conservative mantra. Do not negotiate. Do not enlighten yourself. Do not abandon archaic beliefs. If you “know” your beliefs are truth, then carry onward as all is well. Jesus told me so.

Even scientists, who base everything on fucking facts, have to admit they are wrong and shift their thinking from time to time. This is what drives science and in turn leads to more discovery and ACTUAL truth. That computer you’re reading this on? Thank a scientist. Take a minute to look at this little tidbit. If you don’t want to read it, it basically says that scientists have witnessed subatomic particles moving faster than the speed of light. One hundred fucking years of Albert Einsteinian “truth” might be turned on its head in the next few weeks folks. I’m sorry, but if brilliant scientists can be wrong , so too can conservatards. Being wrong drives us to improve, to change our thinking, to better ourselves and this planet. Don’t tell that to Ayn Randians though. They’ll blow an aneurysm and suddenly demand the government pick up their hospital tab. Too bad conservatives are never wrong and have no desire to better themselves or this planet. It’s the truth and nothing can take precedence over my act of perceiving it folks. So sorry.

It absolutely disgusts me that a bunch of intellectual lightweights like Scott Fitzgerald and Scott Walker and Paul Ryan and Ron Paul and Michelle Bachmann and Rick Perry and Mitt Romney and Tim Pawlenty and Rick Ass Drainage… I mean Santorum and every single teabagger on the planet are dictating the terms of our future without seeking truth just like their hero dear old Rand. They go on their “guts” like GWB did. You know what, conservatives? Your guts have shit for brains. Literally. You’re all a disgrace and an embarrassment. You’ve sullied this country’s name with your American centrism bullshit for generations to come. You’ve corrupted the international community with your shrieks of imperialism and “divine” right making any and all reluctant to open their borders. You’ve destabilized this country’s financial system with such dubious perfection, blaming it on that current ineffectual president Obama, that there is no telling how long it will take to recover. You’ve delayed protecting the environment of which we are a part of to the point that the scales have tipped to the point where counteraction may be nigh impossible. But hey, at least you got your share of the wealth before all shit broke loose. You guys are all frauds, you know that? Just like that sanctimonious bitch Ayn Rand. You scream about fiscal responsibility and the need to dissolve entitlement programs, but your 30 year dead hero banked on those “entitlements” after she was diagnosed with lung cancer. Your messiah turned out to be a fucking hypocrite. How surprising. How unexpected. A hypocritical conservative. Who’d have thunk?

"Gobble, gobble bitches!"

But you know, I will come to Ayn’s defense on one issue. There is one area where we both whole heartedly agree, and that is that Thanksgiving kicks fucking ass. So teatards, conservatives, neo-republicans, uber pats… whatever you call yourselves. Worry not that your “great philosopher” faded from this world some thirty years ago. There are other philosophers at hand to take her place, to fight on in her ignorant stead. I believe Chuck Manson will be interviewed soon. Certainly he can provide equally potent and “philosophical” ammunition steeped in brilliance for your endless war on compassion, decency, and rationalism. Hey! Don’t hate me for spreading the truth, for adopting rationality. Like Ayn said, “nothing can alter the truth and nothing can take precedence of that act of perceiving it.”  Or maybe I’m just being a “rational egoist.” Whatever it is, it bores me. Fuck me, is it nap time again?



"I like 'em young, drunk, 'n fulla spunk! After momma finishes her menthols, let's get to work on that hat trick boys!"

Seriously, what the fuck is going on in the OC? First Sloane “the child beater” Briles throws his kid overboard and now this Kathia Maria Davis is letting prepubescent teens pound away on her dried and shrivelled snatch? Fucking gross. Seriously, have you read about Davis, the woman who apparently fucked her son’s hockey mates when they were under 16? Hold on a minute, does that mean it is OKAY to fuck a child that is sixteen years of age in the state of California? Ish, that’s fucking nasty. Even if it was a 16 year old girl and myself alone on the planet, left to repopulate it, I’d have to wait a couple years before getting to work. They’re fucking babies at 16, even 18 to be honest.

I’d seriously like to sit and chat with these boys and ask them how on earth they could even get it up for this haggard looking west coast sea witch mother fucker. In a way, that’s kind of impressive. That’s some serious determination. God damn she’s gross. Even at my horniest I’d rather fuck dried road kill. I bet you I’d have an easier time maintaining an erection whilst giving my penis a thousand tiny paper cuts. I’m guessing if my penis got anywhere near her crotch it’d be like trying to touch two positive ends of a magnet together, like trying to shove an over cooked spaghetti noodle into a crispity crunchity hole. Not happening. No way, no how.

Anyway, so it appears the SOCO is pretty fucked up. I almost moved there with an ex of mine and am glad as shit I didn’t for many reasons besides this. It might be a good place to people watch for a long weekend, but to bank on anything else is foolish. But maybe I’m being too hasty. Maybe, just maybe she didn’t do it just like Sloane “the wife beater” Briles didn’t throw his kid overboard against the boy’s will. It looks like these two shit bags are perfect for each other. I think they should go on one of those OC booze cruises together. I would totally pay for that. Maybe they could have a fight, throw each other over board and get chopped up by the propeller. Hey Kathia! Hey Sloane! Email me! I’m buyin’!



"Sigh. I wish I played hockey."

Many weeks ago… May 26 to be exact… I predicted the rise into the GOP presidential ranks of another idiot from Texas, the state that has brought us nothing good that I can think of off hand.  Man does it suck being right. The last thing this world needs is another world leader from Texas. This guy is it though, the GOP’s answer to all that is unholy in their wicked regime. He’s got it all. He’s the man they’ve been waiting for, searching for, dare I say praying for? How you ask? Well, let me tell you.

He believes in killing without conscience: Rick Perry is a major proponent of the death penalty. Now I’m one that can actually understand the blood lust that comes with being the victim of a heinous crime. Hell, if anyone in my family or any of my friends was raped or murdered or equally transgressed, I would desire nothing more than the torture, dismemberment, and death of any and ALL involved. In fact, I’d want to be the one holding the rusty butter knife… or maybe a fork. Which would hurt more when severing a ballsack? But you see, Rick Perry believes in the swift, the unconditional, the indiscriminating use of said penalty. He cannot be bargained or reasoned with, even in the event undeniable evidence comes to light to exonerate the sentenced. I’m sure you’ve heard of Cameron Todd Willingham? It really, truly does NOT surprise me that the southern “justice” system fucked up the case. I’m sure this shit happens all the time. Rednecks and bible thumpers are incapable of justice. Undoubtedly all members of southern law enforcement/prosecution are guilty of  the following listed on The Innocence Project’s website:

"Yuppers, I order the execution of retards. What? No, not teabaggers. It's hard to tell the difference sometimes I know, but not them. I'll need their "independent" votes come 2012."

•    Employing suggestion when conducting  identification procedures
•    Coercing false confessions
•    Lying or intentionally misleading jurors about their observations
•    Failing to turn over exculpatory evidence to prosecutors
•    Providing incentives to secure unreliable evidence from informants
•    Withholding exculpatory evidence from defense
•    Deliberately mishandling, mistreating or destroying evidence
•    Allowing witnesses they know or should know are not truthful to testify
•    Pressuring defense witnesses not to testify
•    Relying on fraudulent forensic experts
•    Making misleading arguments that overstate the probative value of testimony

It’s the south people. It’s the religious. It’s what they do best. Fuck shit up that is. Divide, discriminate, and denigrate. Yeeeeehaaaaa! Never mind the blazing contradictions against their religious stupidity. Thou shalt not kill, remember? Oh wait. That’s why they wrote the addendum years ago that said “an eye for an eye.” Seriously, what have those southern assholes given us? Coke, Wal-Mart, tobacco, and NASTARD? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Nothing. Thanks for the assist, jack asses. Texas is a waste of a state. As my Madison Minotaur rugby friends sang after they crushed Texas in a tourney: “The stars at night… are big and bright… (clap, clap, clap clap) deep in the heart of Texas… We execute minors… and retards too… (clap, clap, clap, clap) deep in the heart of Texas.” Yeah. You heard me right. Developmentally delayed people are strapped to the electric chair by these abominations of conscience in Texas. Fuck Texas.

He believes in American centrism: For all you teabaggers (a.k.a. republicans), this means that he believes, like you all believe, that the United States is the greatest country on the planet and that nothing… fucking NOTHING… can or will stand in our way. It means you believe we have the right to do whatever, whenever, to whomever no matter the consequences. It’s the typically banal GOP drivel that is dangerous on so many levels. “We are the greatest nation and all other nations should strive, under threat of force, to become as we are,” shriek the conservatives. These beliefs are the bread and butter of the conservative movement. They always have been and they always will be. Yeah, I hate to be the bearer of bad news to you mentally fragile fuckers, but the U.S. is NOT the greatest country on the planet. In fact with people like you in our ranks, we are swiftly sinking to the bottom. Your leader Rick Perry has his sights set on sealing this fate.

He believes Medicare/Social Security are UNCONSTITUTIONAL: Do I really need to readdress this shit? That noise you hear is just the GOP’s wardrum thundering on, summoning the shit storm of ignorance. All I can say about this is, if Rethugs and teabaggers and corporate Dimocrats believe this, if they TRULY believe this then they must immediately and without complaint drop all of these benefits and return all SPENT and unspent money to the federal government. Right now shit wits. And this, I might add, includes but is NOT limited to their elderly grandparents in nursing homes and their alcoholic and obese parents who are insulin dependent diabetics and their war veteran friends dependent upon supplemental programs after losing both legs in a bullshit war waged by… a conservative! Seriously, I don’t give a fetid shit what your situation is. Give it all up assholes. Time to pay out of pocket. Put your money where your flappy fucking mouths are.

"Praise Jeebus! Hallelujiah! Slay the heathens! Die muslims! Cure my loved ones! God bless 'merica! God bless you Governor Perry! Help me win the lottery! Make my diabetes go away! If you let me sniff this chick's panties, I'll go to church more! I pray for the non-believers to enjoy gnashing their teeth while burnin' in hell! Hey, we're nice, we're prayin' fer dem. Uh doi. Derpa derp!"

He believes prayer is the answer to all our woes: Yup, another deluded religious dim wit. Actually Rick, prayer is the REASON for a lot of our woes. Can you believe this wannabe cowboy held a fucking prayer rally in Houston for all his holier than thou asshole compatriots in Jesus’s imaginary army. Sigh. Prayer is bullshit people… well actually it might momentarily make you feel better when you’re having a panic attack in the middle of the night because you realize that your life is a meaningless heap of armadillo feces. But you know why said life is meaningless? Because you spent your whole day fucking praying.

Let’s take a moment to compare anyone who believes prayer exacts actual change and… well… me. Let’s just use those suffering horribly in Sudan with the constant political upheaval to illustrate my point (not that conservatives or religious right wingers would give a shit about another country’s suffering people). Prayer boy (or girl) will sit in a room all day and pray for them while I’ll play Dead Island for the same amount of time. Guess who will have done more to help the conflict? Neither of us! We’ll both have been selfish, oblivious assholes who sat on our asses doing nothing for the greater good, only something that merely served to make us feel good. You know what prayer is? It’s video games for the religious. Wow, I just figured that out.

But you know in the end, I actually do do more than all of these praying dolts combined, because I network and I donate money and I write about these things on the internets, bringing attention to them for a small part of the world to see. But guess what else? All 30,000 of those assholes in Rick Perry’s childish army have nothing on me because I  actually worked caring for the sick and injured at the hospital for those 7 hours they spent praying and I accomplished FAR more. And I wiped asshole. I cleaned up shit. Even if that’s all I did it was more than those prayerful assholes! Trust me. Prayer… means… nothing. Just ask the descendents of jews, gypsies, croats, and various other dissenters who were starved, over-worked and then either gassed or cremated alive during WWII what they thought of the Vatican’s assistance through prayer. I think they’d say they would have rather had a ball of rice air dropped to them.

What scares me most is that Rick Perry is vastly more religious and as a consequence vastly more dangerous than that fellow Texan moron GWB. Remember him? You see, what goes hand in hand every time with the extreme religious right, with the dim witted religious zealots in our midst, is the belief that the muslims (or anyone that doesn’t believe in their deity) is the enemy. EVERYONE. That includes you and me, my secular friends. But it’s even more scary because if  and WHEN this man ascends to the White House, he will carry this belief with him and use it to antagonize, irritate, and eventually wage war upon our muslim (fuck ALL religion) brethren. He only needs a flimsy “excuse” like his GOP predecessor. It’s called dominionism, people, and it is scary as fuck. Listen, I don’t give a shit what tone your skin is, if you base your daily actions on an imaginary misogynist in the sky, if HE (it’s ALWAYS a he) tells you what to do and how to behave, then you are mentally ill and should seek treatment immediately. You are not fit for human consumption. In fact, you should quarantine yourself in a prayer bunker and await those “end times”. I betcha Ricky’ll join y’all!

He denies science: Climate change is bogus… the earth is six thousand years old… god put us here to use everything however we see fit. See how his religious beliefs segue perfectly into this? They’re almost one in the same. He may not come outright and admit he believes the earth is 6k years old, but I’d wager that he sways that way for fear of his hyperactive child god’s sadistic and petulant temper tantrums. If you deny climate change trends that are PROVEN (whatever the “cause”), then you are a moron and have no place in the creation of policies that should ultimately better our lives and the life of this living, breathing planet. Like climate change, it is a proven trend that conservatives are incapable of bettering anything, except their rhetoric, bank accounts, and gun collections. Period.

The terror alert has been cemented at orange until the GOP eradicates all of these terrorists that threaten their scorched earth agenda. We need to crush this goose steppin' socialist mother fucker pictured here!

He believes the environment is second to humans: Like ALL GOPers, Rick believes cleaning and protecting this planet to ensure it is left a better place when we die is bullshit. He has ALWAYS voted against environmental regulations during his three term goobernatorial stent, especially if they threaten to even minimally impact the economy of the state under his charge. The only time he’ll get fired up in that special, charming Texas way is when he can gain something. Hell, even that moderate, ineffectual asshole Obama is guilty of this. Barack voted against regulating CFC’s for fuck’s sake. But guv Rick’s record is abysmal to say the least. He is waging war on the environmentevery day. His decisions about Texas’ environment are geared simply towards bucking the Feds riding his state’s ass and to also make it easier for his corporate supporters to create whilst they derate. Do you think he would ever lift his pen to protect endangered species or clean water or delicate ecosystems in Texas let alone the US? Hell no. “Fuck ’em,” he’d shriek. “They need to get out of our way!” In fact, this GOP asshole (and other GOP morands) have sued the EPA. That’s a bold and blatantly ignorant move. Now I agree, the EPA isn’t perfect (it IS a government institution after all), but I believe it is moving society in the absolute right direction. We have to do something. It has to start a decade ago. Humans (namely politically right wing humans) aren’t going to change out of the goodness of their hearts because there is no goodness in those hearts. You know what is so freakishly ironic about the GOP (and teabaggers by default) and their war on the environment? It is that they are an integral PART of that environment they so blatantly attack and abuse and discard like that sweaty, sunburnt Mexican hooker from Ciudad Juárez. In the end, when it goes down, they go down. It really is that elementary you fucking GOP simpletons.

He believes government is bad: Another oxymoronic trend that could only be exemplified with such perfection by the useless GOP, the party of inbreeders, sociopaths, and of course teabaggers. Government gives these politicians their power. Conservatives in particular seek political office for simple reasons: to weaken regulations and strengthen their stranglehold on mother earth and its living citizens. This chest thumping “government is bad” chant is getting really fucking old. It comes loudest from the teabagger leeches. As I said above, morands, if government is so bad, then you need to immediately forgo ALL of your nasty government benefits and venture out on your own. That’s no problem for sociopathic rich people like the Koch bros or Rick Perry, but for the inane in the membrane middle class teabagger types who vote republican with 100% unfailing accuracy, it would spell disaster. How are you going to pay for your weekly detox in the hospital you short-sighted idiots? No idea? Didn’t think so. The mere fact that you remember to breathe amazes me to no end.

Walls. Securing ignorance at all costs. Preventing the infiltration of compassion, rationalism, and progressivism is essential to prevent the crumbling of New Texas's foundation.

He believes Texas should secede from the union: Well, Rick. You got me there, because I also happen to believe that you wastes of oxygen should secede. Clean up this country. Make it a more perfect union by dropping out. Wage war on your own. Destroy the lives of your own insignificant redneck citizens and leave the rest of us out of it. Actually, maybe Austin could become its own state. Or maybe it could be like an embassy of sensibility in a sea of ignorance. Seriously though, a possible future president believes that a state he governs should secede? How is he even a fit leader when he holds tight to such antebellum American beliefs. It’s ridiculous. It reminds me of that Alaskan bimbo’s husband being a loud ‘n proud member of the secessionist party. Pathetic. How much do you want to bet he has an annual pray-in at the Alamo to offer his respects to a bunch of dirt bags who died defending… well, dirt. See you later, Texas. Can’t wait to see that 6,000 mile wall rise to protect you from big bad Mexico and the United States of Heathenism.

He leads the war on illegal (and probably legal) immigration: This too is a snide and skew war call of the GOP. I’m not even going to address it except to say that the only answer the GOP has ever or will ever offer to “solve” this issue is to racially profile. To stop people without cause only because their skin is too dark. Guess what? Parisians and Berliners can be illegals and their skin is white. Ah yes, grand pappy would be so proud of y’all. Racist assholes. If you’re such altruistically and non-racially motivated concerned citizens, then petition mega corporations like Wal-Mart to stop hiring illegals illegally. Again, it’s that elementary you GOP simpletons. Oh wait, that takes foresight and responsible action. Just keep building your stupid wall I guess. That’ll “git er done!”

Only the finest footwear will do for a Repube president as he stomps upon civil liberties, the poor, the downtrodden, and baby penguin heads.

Well, that about does it for now. There is plenty more to be dug up on this dull shootin’ Texas cowboy, but my brain is sore from his blatant ignorance. My soul has started to tremble just a wee bit from the thought of this creature leading this country come 2013. I can’t think of a more dangerous scenario. Sure, maybe Bachmann would be stupiderp, but at least her ignorance and constant gaffs would prevent her from exacting disastrous change. But Rick Perry is vastly more threatening. On day one he will arrive stomping in his shit kickers making wicked changes left and right. Our fuzzy friends and their homes and water supply will be fucked. Secular government will be a distant memory. Responsible corporate policy will be a pipe dream (more than it already is under that fucking asshole Obama). Necessary social programs will become fossilized memories on display for a new world order to gawk at. The concept of peaceful co-existence will be the stuff born of writers of future fiction. Rick Perry. You are dangerous. You are deplorable. You are the true enemy of civilization, both you and your ilk. In my non-humble opinion, you are developmentally delayed (or retarded as they say in your state of Texas). Wait a minute. Rick Perry is dangerous and “retarded”. Why then haven’t you put him in the electric chair yet, Texas? I say kill two turds with one throne.

So as some 9.1 million (or 47%) of Texans would say:

Paz gilipollas,


P.S. I know not all Texans are bumbling idiots (a.k.a. Austin), that’s why I have “faith” that they will be able to read between the lines. For you see, they’re a fuck ton smarter than the idiotic Republican citizens of their state and they know exactly what I’m talking about.

"Me tea party! Me no Republican! Me independent voter! Me vote Rick Perry 2012!"

You know what’s amazing to me? No, not how chocolate milk and pizza tastes at 2 a.m., it’s how no matter where you go in this bland country of ours, rednecks look and behave the same. It doesn’t matter if you’re in upstate New York or the Texas panhandle or California. Take a quick read through what this redneck shitbag did. So let me try and understand this drain on civilization, this malignant malformation’s stance. He got upset with his girlfriend and they started arguing and then the man’s seven year old son from a previous marriage  got upset because it probably reminded him of how his worthless father treated his mother. I’m guessing the previous wife left him because Sloane Briles was emotionally and physically abusive. If she DIED, at least she’s far away from this jack ass so he can’t fuck her life anymore. Anyway, so after this child gets upset and fearful about FURTHER abuse in his life, what does his big tough redneck father do to his already emotionally battered son? Does he kneel down and try and comfort him? Does he apologize and explain how wrong he was to react in anger? No, fuck that shit. In true redneck fashion, he smacks him and throws him over the side of the boat into the fucking water.

Want to see how stupid this guy is in action? Check him out on defense:



Hell, how do you even respond to a guy like this? Did you like his bumbling about his knowledge of boats, calling the stern the bow? How about his saying “it doesn’t work that way” when the reporter asked what would have happened if his boy had been sucked under. That last 30 seconds or so of that video is absolutely priceless. It is my non-humble opinion that this guy should either be sterilized or euthanized post haste. It’s seriously beyond comprehension how something like this can happen and even more confusing why someone hasn’t pounded the living fucking hell out of this guy’s face. Yeah, that’s right. I’m condoning violence. Unconditional and unremitting violence against sadistic fucks like this. It won’t be by my hand unless he tries to pull that shit on me, but I would cheer if someone crushed his teeth against the curb outside his house leaving him to eat meals through a straw until his final days. You know, I’d say he does nothing for society, but in fact it’s worse. He is pushing it backwards, damaging it irreparably (at least until his boy gets intensive psychotherapy to stop the cycle of hatred and abuse). You see, this guy is training his boy to hate women and terrorize children all because his fragile fucking ego can’t take the fact that his life is a leaking bucket of maggot infested shit. If this boy is not immediately separated from this walking cancer called Sloane, he will grow up to be an abuser just like dear old dad. I’ll feel sorry for the kid for awhile, but then I’ll draw the line. I’m not sure where, as when is a victim no longer a victim and merely a perpetuator of hate and violence? When is it fair to stop sympathizing and finally say: “Hey man. Quit being an infantile pecker-head and grab your life by the ballsack and squeeze some sense into it!” When can we do that? I’m so tired of these abusive insolent little shits (a.k.a the GOP, religious rightards, rednecks who vote for the GOP) running and ruining this planet.

"Yer god damned right I hit my son! He had the audity, the auditory, the audacness... the nerve to tell me to be nice to my girlfriend. Fuck that shit! I do what I want, when I want. No fuckin' doubt about it. Man overboard!"

How much do you want to bet that this prolapsed rectum is a teabagger? How much do you want to bet he’s a loud ‘n proud member of the tea tardy? I bet he totally hates that “niggar” president of ours. How much do you want to bet he has voted Republican in every single election since he was unfortunately given the right to vote, his only reasoning being to cling to guns and because his daddy and his daddy’s daddy voted for that party of racist asswipes? I’d bet my fucking life on it.

It’s so unbelievable how this guy defends himself by saying they were “playing”. Right, like a seven year old would be like, “Hells ya, daddy! Let’s jump overboard!” Moron doesn’t begin to describe this cretin. Yeah. Sure you were “playing”, dipshit. No you weren’t. You’re a drunk and an asshole who FORTUNATELY got caught being a sadistic bully in public. You pick on women and seven year olds. Wow. How incredibly tough you are. You know, I have “faith” that some day we’ll get lucky and you’ll pick on the wrong guy, or better yet, your boy will grow up, realize what a drain on society you are and knock you on your ass, leaving you to drown in your own blood and vomit. So until that happy day, Sloane, do planet earth a huge favor and stop spreading your contaminating semen onto enabling women’s cervixes. For fuck’s sake man.



P.S. Hey Sloane Briles. If you’re reading this, do me a favor, asshole. Comment or email me so I can hear what inane blabberings you can smash onto your keyboard with that bulging forehead of yours. I dare you. I’ll get my cro-magnon to English translator ready. Fucking crusty prick hole.

“Just kickin’ back chillin’. It’s good to finally be human.” Hey there Joe camel… I mean fellow human! You’re showin’ a lot of toe!

Well it’s started. The floodgates have been opened. The formal war on human rights begins… now. Corporations have begun their new lives as humans.

The tobacco giants are suing the government for forcing them to put images on their cigarettes. I can almost get behind them on forcing them to promote the government’s anti-smoking message, that doesn’t bother me. The most chilling part of this article is the following spin:

He (the lawyer defending the cigarette companies) added that the new labels would violate the companies’ free-speech rights under the first amendment to the constitution.

The constitutional right to free speech. Is anyone else concerned about this skewing of the constitution, a document created to protect actual fucking people from persecution? Fuck your life if you’re not. You know, it was the government that foolishly gave corporations this new found constitutional freedom because of the greedy, the ignorant, the cruel, and/or the subservient who voted to allow this. Remember that little referendum we had in April? No, not the one on Walker through the re-election of Dave “choke a bitch” Prosser. The one that would allow money to be considered free speech? That corporations are considered human and would be afforded all the civil liberties as actual fucking humans? Remember that one? The one I told you to vote YES on? Yeah. This bullshit law suit is the result of those types of referendums and it makes a chill descend upon me. If you voted NO on that referendum, shame on you. You are a short-sighted ignorant asshole who doesn’t deserve the oxygen you’re consuming. Trust me, this piddly lawsuit is just the beginning. We are in for a rough ride, people. How much do you want to bet that every teabagger supported the drafting of this bullshit amendment? I hope they suffer horribly as a result.

So if corporations now have to be treated like humans, then how will that affect their tax codes? Will they finally have to pay income tax? That’s expected of humans. It goes hand in hand with our rights. Will they be required to have some 30% skimmed off of the top of their earnings like me and everyone else… except, of course, for the super rich? Speaking of the super rich, even my long time hero Warren Buffett has called bullshit on the mega-rich, demanding higher taxes on himself and those in his league. Holy shit I love that guy. He gives me a philanthropic super boner. Anyway, if they don’t have to pay more taxes, then I believe I will take the liberty of deciding that since humans and corporations are now interchangeable, that I am going to incorporate myself. I will enter myself into a completely different tax code and enjoy the sweet life of mega loans, tax breaks,  elaborate parties, government bailouts, and golden mother fucking parachutes when I fail for shit decision making that drives me to bankruptcy. You know, I think I’ll talk to a lawyer next week. I think everyone should. Let’s take control of this situation and fuck the government hard for even proposing this amendment. Let’s make them rip this bullshit amendment right out of the CONstitution.

I know. It’s a pipe dream. It’ll never happen, not with this corporate government destroying all hope of civility. And yes, I hold Obama partially responsible. His political moderation should be mistaken for NEITHER responsible nor compassionate leadership. He should repeal that dangerous, bullshit legislation, but he won’t. He is a corporate tool, maybe not as dangerous as the Republican ones in power, but he still is. It’s clear that corporations won’t ever be held accountable. Remember BP’s influence on the gulf? Remember how president Obama stepped up on that one? Remember the amazing job that guy did taking BP to task? Yeah, right. I don’t think those broken dolphin and pelican families have received any substantive reparations yet. We’re still waiting…

“Nope. I been thinking. I love my corporation friends. I just had BP and Enron over for beers. They’re good guys. I’m gonna have to go with Mitt on this one. As if my political moderation hasn’t been proof enough. Don’t be so naive.”

At least that’s one thing the Republican candidate and Obama will have in common in 2012. The belief that corporations should be protected under the constitution, that they are indeed people. Mitt “the twit” Romney admitted his belief outright at the Iowa State Fair. If you don’t want to read the article, here is the exchange between the wise fair attendees and the mor(m)on jack ass:

When Romney began to ruminate on how he would not “raise taxes on people,” the Iowa activists shouted: “Corporations!”

As the crowd began to cheer on the idea of taxing corporations that enjoy the benefits of government bailouts and subsidies without — in all too many cases — giving anything back, Romney became incensed.

The former corporate CEO shouted: “Corporations are people, my friend.”

The crowd shouted: “No, they’re not!”

“Of course they are,” replied Romney.

Fucking hell all of this is just creepy. That we even have to debate about the humanity of corporations frightens and angers me. Not that I expected anything of moral substance from a mor(m)on. You wanna wage a jihad on my civil rights? You wanna start the crusades part two against my fellow human beings’ HUMAN rights? Bring it on. I’ll take your corporation on any day, any time. I’ll die before I admit that “corporations are people too.” They’re not. I don’t give a fuck what that tainted piece of shit document says. The constitution is not the document it was meant to be. It really has become like the bible… addendum after addendum added to make the wicked more powerful and the righteous more oppressed. Game on, bitches! Let’s go to war. I wonder what side that corporate ass kisser… I mean Mister President Obama will be on?


Sturm Von Zorn, Inc.