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“What’s that? Shit no! Science is fer faggots, college boy!”

As you well should realize by now, I am a man of science. I love ceaselessly reading about black holes, pulsars and quasars, the formation of our solar system from tiny bits of stardust, extra solar planetary systems, distant galaxies, any scientific theories pertaining to interstellar travel… you know, pretty much anything that would make a member of the tea tardy’s tiny brain sting with horrible pain. I’ll admit right now that when Mister Stephen Hawking dies, we will lose one of the greatest minds that humanity certainly has ever had and probably will ever have for many generations to come. I may very well weep that day. Science is just so fascinating. Every bit I can absorb I do. For example, check this brief bit out (feel free to mute annoying music and please ignore the Youtube publisher’s poor grammar):

 

 

“Welcome to crystallized di-hydrogen oxide land, my son. No chicks allowed here! Watch out for the velociraptors in the spectrum of light garden.”

Now friends, isn’t that vastly more interesting than those pesky creationist retards that think “it was all just there because god willed it into existence”? I think so, and no it wasn’t all just there, dipshits. Not even close. What’s even more amazing is that the birth of the moon single handedly triggered the creation of life on this planet. The crash created an axial tilt giving us seasons. The resulting moon allowed the formation of weather which allowed seas to form and when it orbited closer to us it created tides beyond fucking imagination in a super ocean that traveled hundreds of miles inland twice a day. These tides were too violent to allow life to form in the waves but they gathered billions of tons of resources. Eventually the moon’s orbit moved further out, it’s gravitational affects on earth’s oceans weakened and it finally allowed the seas to calm and the basic building blocks of life, amino acids, to form from all the minerals washed into it for millions upon millions of years. After this, and numerous other extinction events, we are all here living five billion separate lives. Yeah, fuck you creationists. We’re here because of aeons upon aeons of luck and unimaginable disasters, not because of an imaginary misogynist in the sky (psst, the sky, or god’s home as you call it, was created by the moon… a giant rock. Remember that, morons).

So where am I going with my mega nerdgasm? Well, I work as a nurse. Some say it’s a scientific job, and technically they’re right, but it’s lame science. It’s boring as shit studying the organs and knowing how they all work together to create systemic harmony. I just don’t give a shit. And to be honest, nurses don’t really use any of that knowledge anyway, because they just do as they’re told. I’m not saying it’s easy work, no fucking way. It’s the hardest work I’ve ever done, period. And trust me, no matter my thoughts on nursing, I’m really fucking good at it. But medical science is boring. It’s useless. It’s a waste of fucking time and money… all of it. Helping humans survive makes me feel ashamed and dirty. I’d rather help animals and plants as they actually deserve our help. So while I’m working my boring and useless job, betraying this planet by helping unworthy humans, I follow scientific research. The other day this led me to obsess about the greatest moments of earth’s history: mass extinction events, specifically the glorious, wonderful, cleansing, and ultimately unavoidable human extinction event that is barreling our way. I spent much time between duties that day wondering 1) how it will arrive, 2) when it will arrive, and 3) what new species will be born millions of years post event when evolution has been reset? The Morlocks, perhaps? Giant land dwelling crustaceans? Man, H.G. Wells was decades ahead of everyone else when he wrote The Fucking Time Machine.

Anyway, without further ado, here are a few of my favorite scenarios I thought about that day regarding the next mass extinction that will visit this lonely planet on the fringes of the Milky Way Galaxy.

Death by global ice age!

Snowball earth. The only place colder is Scott Fitzgerald’s heart.

600 million years ago it happened. Global temperatures plummeted due to a 6% weaker sun than our present day sun combined with the erosion of rock and subsequent CO2 trapping… blah, blah, blah, I know sounds boring, but what’s fucking awesome is that this caused mega glaciers to advance from the poles. You see, the more sea water that became frozen, the more energy from the sun was reflected back into space (sea ice reflects 80% of sunlight while open sea reflects only 10%). This led to a chain reaction of freezing until only an equatorial strip of slushy sea water remained.  Notice how we have the reverse going on presently? Smart people like those that have read this far do, but not idiot fucking Republicans, teabaggers, or creationists. Now whether ancient earth escaped this deep freeze  via massive volcanic eruptions from beneath the ice, or remaining equatorial photosynthesis with green house gas (CO2) production, or both remains to be discovered. But who cares? It’s still fucking fascinating. To see those glaciers in their full glory would have been something fucking else. I wish I could go back in time and kayak at the edge of the equatorial ice. And then the mere fact that the surviving single celled organisms began to engage in the single largest explosion in evolution is an incredible story in itself. Way better than “and on the fifth day god commanded the sea to teem with living creatures.” Ugh, talk about boring. But what do you expect from fucking idiot bible clingers?

Death by super volcanoes!

One month after Scott Walker’s victory in the June 5th recall, Wisconsin is at long last reborn in the fires of Republican policy making.

Fast forward about 300 million years from an ice world and you have one surging with fire. Super volcanoes. I’m not talking about one lonely one like the the baby super volcano located in Yellowstone National Park. I mean a monstrous accumulation of many hundreds where magma builds up over millions of years and then like a sebaceous cyst it bursts open spewing magma a mile thick over an area of land the size of the United States. It happened in the Siberian Traps of northern Pangea 250 million years ago to begin the Permian extinction event. Volcanic gases increased earth’s temperature which killed some 70% of all species. In turn the temperature of the seas rose only a few degrees causing a mass eruption of trapped methane gas which is a 25 times more potent green house gas than CO2. As a result, earth warmed another ten degrees bringing the kill total to 95% of all species. Fucking sweet! Another reset for evolution. Without this shift in evolution, teabaggers, Republicans, and creationists would not be here to wreak havoc on this amazing planet and its inhabitants. So thank a cynodont, the premier survivor of the Permian extinction event, for allowing you assholes to even be born! Of course these poor little guys would be ashamed of your lack of development.

Death by asteroid strike!

A global killer asteroid. Still far easier to deal with than a Republican controlled legislature.

65 million years ago one of these great space messengers led to a mass extinction of the reptilian masters of this planet, allowing the mammals their chance to take charge. It was another beautiful display of evolutionary divergence, but I’m sorry, this one’s kinda boring really. It’s too commonly discussed to be exciting anymore especially since that horrible film Armageddon where a bunch of redneck shit bags get called up for a super secret space mission and we see Gigli cry like a fucking baby. And we can’t forget about that equally shitty film Deep Impact about a thirteen year old girl who falls in love with a hobbit (fucking gross) and they decide to run away from the greatest hang ten opportunity of their miserable fucking lifetimes. Oh and there was a black president in that film too… yeah right! Fuck asteroids. Although still pretty awesome, one big enough to cause complete annihilation of the human species will also kill every living thing on this planet and somehow the parasitic human race will find its way through the smaller ones.

Death by super plague!

“Rahhm-neee. RAHHHHHHM-NEEEEEEE!!!”

Zombies, and vampires, and diarrhea oh my! If there’s a story about a plague, chances are I’ll fucking love it, especially zombies. Living in a world ruled by brain dead, shambling, gluttonous creatures is already painful. We’re living proof here in Wisconsin. The problem is you can’t just shoot Republicans, their teabagger leeches, or creationists in the head. It would be prudent, I know, but you just can’t do it. Put the guns down, friends, and just cling to hope for a real zombie virus plague. But honestly, as cool as wandering in an apocalyptic world full of zombies to shoot would be, it’s just not practical. I’m a man of science, and the chance of our dead bodies coming to life because of an organic virus is really quite lame when you think about it. It’s fun to imagine, but what we need is a real human destroying plague. E-bola’s an interesting one as it causes swift death in a matter of days. In reality though, it’s a little too efficient because it turns peoples’ insides into liquid shit before it has a chance to spread. Add in the instability of it in a laboratory setting (attempts to weaponize) and it becomes completely impractical as an agent of mass extinction. I suppose the closest thing we have to a super plague is HIV/AIDS. It really is quite a perfect virus in that it is spread during our attempts to reproduce (or simply during fuck ‘n suck pleasuring) and it mutates deliciously… but it’s not really swift enough, especially with the discoveries of new anti-viral agents that extend its victims lives. So the chances of a disease ridding our planet of pesky humans is essentially nil.

Death by the singularity moment!

“I am a Cyberdyne systems model 101, T-800. It is statistically unlikely that you will defeat me at bridge.”

It’s a bit difficult to explain, but essentially the technological singularity is when artificial intelligence advances beyond the capabilities of human intelligence. When this point is reached, all future events cannot be predicted as technology will surpass what the combined ability of every human mind on the planet combined is capable of. Too bad we have a rising tea tard population averaged in. That’s gonna cost us. We’ve seen this type of occurance presented many times in such films as I Robot, A.I., The Terminator…. speaking of terminators. If you’re going to make an assassination cyborg, wouldn’t you think it makes more sense to make them look like decrepit old ladies with walkers? I mean, think about it, if one fell while trying to cross the street and you ran to help her, before you knew it, BLAM! You’re fucking dead bitch! Mission accomplished! I actually don’t think a technological singularity moment will arrive in the form of cybernetic super robots, it’s gonna be much, much smaller. It’ll be on the nanotechnology level. Right now scientists are working on miniscule robots that will attempt to cure diseases when injected into our bodies. Talk about a trojan fucking horse. Imagine what these fuckers can do if and when we lose control of them. By utilizing the iron in our blood stream, they could replicate and spread like organic diseases from host to host. Hell, they may actually be able to reanimate our dead corpses one day by reactivating our neural tissue. Fucked up… and awesome!

Death by the sun’s death!

At long last, with the last remnants of human civilization wiped from existence, Earth can enjoy a bit of well earned respite.

Here’s the ultimate killer, the one to rule all other mass extinctions. The beautiful part is that it will happen, it’s just a matter of time. You see, when the aging sun ultimately increases in size by even a miniscule amount and begins to burn hotter it will cook our planet. In time it will grow and eventually consume the inner planets thus sealing our fate, and the fates of all organic life. It’s the penultimate fate of our solar system and every star system before and hereafter. I seriously wonder how many planets that shimmering beauty VY Canis Majoris consumed. were there humanoid civilizations there? We’ll never know. It’s an amazing thought that everything we see will be cooked from existence at some point in the future. Unless we are a space faring race (which we won’t be because conservatives are too concerned with attacking women and sand niggars), every trace of our civilizations will disappear forever. Know what would be awesome? If we had a time portal to send rapists, pederasts, the Koch brothers and conservatives to their deaths in this crispy world. We could send them to planet earth 4 and a half billion years in the future when the sun is so enormous it consumes the entire day time sky. Of course since they’d be burned immediately we’d need to give Republicans time to ponder their existences and maybe feel bad about the destruction they delivered to countless innocent lives with their policies. Maybe we’d protect them with a shield so they could see the scorched future earth and then lower it slowly to make their execution slow and painful. How great would that be?

Well that’s about it. Unfortunately all of these seem rather unlikely. Super volcanoes like those in ancient Siberia only erupt once every half a billion years. Most asteroids wouldn’t have the power to wipe out 95% of life on earth. A second ice age? Doubtful. Not for many millions of years. That’s when I got angry. Fuck that, humans are idiots and they deserve to suffer horribly for the shit they’ve done. That’s when it hit me. Duh, it’s so simple. We are the next mass extinction event. Humans. The very creatures evolved from nature’s ancient network are delivering their own extinction. We’re pissing in our lakes and rivers. We’re consuming every last bit of available natural resources. We’re fighting wars over dwindling resources. Our oceans are trapping our garbage and its temperature is rising. If we increase the ocean temperatures by just a few more degrees, the methane reserves in the world’s oceans will begin to release, igniting a major chain reaction of global warming that may compete with the Permian extinction event. I wonder what species will survive this ultimate human holocaust? Roaches, dragon flies, and annelids? What strange creatures will be wandering this earth fifty-five million years from now? It is the single most fascinating question, one that I’ll sadly never know the answer to. As my mind continues to wander, my phone rings, pulling me from my fantasy. It’s another dipshit wanting a refill on pain medications. That’s right, I forgot that I’m a lowly nurse. Wait, I’m a nurse! Fucking sweet! That means every single day I am helping humans to survive and thrive. That means that I, single handedly, am helping to speed us along to the next mass extinction event. Since we clearly can’t get along and treat this amazing planet with the respect it deserves, I say fuck it. Let’s crank up the temperature. Let’s finish this job and let a meeker, more deserving species rise from the ashes and lead the next evolutionary branch. It’s this one simple thought, friends, that makes me smile mighty brightly. It suddenly makes me like my job just a little bit. Keep the fucking calls coming, people. It’s time for nature’s ultimate victory.

Peace,

Sturm

 

“Damn. That Sturm guy is one villainous mastermind. Better stay away from him.”

“John Daker’s going to sing a song that’s popular now-a-days, it’s called Christ the Lord is Risen Today to Claim the Souls of all Those Devil Worshipping Faggots.”

Remember a couple entries ago when I sort of defended the united methodist church? I said if you have to have the mental illness of religion, then pick being a methodist as it is essentially the lesser of all the evils? Well, I take it back. Turns out they are just as awful as the rest of ’em. Turns out the church has reaffirmed its stance that homosexuals are not people, that they are not welcome in the church because they are abominations… well their words were a bit more subtle, but the message is all the same. How did they word it? Oh right, homosexuality is “incompatible with Christian teaching”, that’s right. How wonderfully tender of them… and how patronizing.

Know what this “christian teaching” includes? Women must be quiet (1 Timothy 2:12). Slave owning is acceptable (1 Peter 2:18). FYI: These first two are from what methodists refer to as the kinder and gentler new testament. If you lie you die (Zechariah 13:3 NAB). I mean every fucking chapter in this awful waste of trees talks about god killing, maiming, being jealous, and razing the earth with natural disasters, especially if gays live there. So basically if you beat your wife, beat your slave to within an inch of his life, take an eye for an eye, and kill those who disagree (like fags), then that petulant toddler god you worship will love you and save your wicked and warped soul… and I haven’t even touched the countless other wonderful humanist teachings stuffed in there. The good book indeed.

This one book, printed more than any other, has done irreparable damage to the progression of human civilization. If it had never existed, who knows how great and advanced our civilization would be.

I used to think methodists didn’t think this way, but it turns out they do. They are horribly mutated and malignant antitheses of humanity. They have suddenly joined the ranks of great anti-intellectuals like frothy discharge, Mitt “the bully” Romney, Republicans, and every single idiot that believes prayer will fix even the simplest god-damned thing. Turns out the joke’s on these methodist idiots though, because as I’ve said before, Jesus was definitely gay. Oh yes, christian stupor soldiers, if he were alive today he’d be having a ball in Rio every year. I mean for Christ’s sake, Christ hung out with twelve sweaty men in the desert eating olives, bread, oil, fish and drinking home made wine. I bet Jesus was a master host, don’t you think? Seriously, what do you think they did that whole time, talk about their feelings? That can only entertain for so long. If he existed and if he were alive today, he’d be ashamed of every single mother fucker that dares call themselves christian in his name. These people care not for the well being of their fellow humans, only garnering more jewels for their crowns by “saving” souls. Christians in all forms are wicked beings disguising themselves as kind and caring citizens. It’s a travesty. It’s sadistic. It’s wicked beyond compare. It would be like an anti-semitic, racist creating an entertainment empire aimed at children. No one can possibly get away with that shit for very long.

Methodist idiots of the world, gather around this symbol of torture and oppression. Spread god’s word like ebola! Torture the non-believers as the Romans tortured their subjects! Smite the incompatible homos! Oh, and Praise the lord!

I shouldn’t be surprised at all of this, but I am. I guess it’s because I was raised methodist, because my parents were actually kind and welcoming methodist pastors who stood with open arms to embrace all people, no matter the color of their skin, the shade of their history, or the benign desires of their heart. I always thought the united methodist church was one of the good guys, that they had humanity’s best interests at heart. I was so desperately wrong. You know, even though I cut the church out of my life long ago in order to save my withering soul, my dead methodist pastor father taught me well what he thought being a christian means. It means caring for those less fortunate. It means loving this earth that we are on for such a short time and leaving it better than we found it. It means sacrificing yourself for the betterment of humanity as a whole, not one tiny insignificant segment. Now I don’t call myself a christian. I never have and I never will. It’s insulting to me and worse, it’s one of the most misleading, disingenuous and dangerous labels in all of human history. But you know what? I am far more “christian” than any christian alive and that is something I can take great pride in. I caught them in their lies. I beat them at their own game. I am far more worthy of an imaginary soul saving than any of them. Sure, I won’t turn the other cheek (not that they really do) and I would most definitely kill to defend those I love. I even antagonize, belittle, and attack the ignorant, racist, and dangerous (i.e. religious followers, republicans, etc.) in our midst. Of course some would say all of these behaviors counter my humanist convictions, but they don’t. They actually strengthen those convictions because unlike christians, I desire that humanity survives and even thrives through this darkening age that we have entered. Because as I’ve said many times before, we can and we should and we must do better than we are doing, otherwise who gives a fuck about our petty “souls”. They aren’t worth a fucking shit anyway. Religion prohibits this advancement, it refuses to allow us to progress beyond our feeble egocentrism. And for that I reject it in its entirety. You know what? My dead methodist pastor father would be quite proud. Sturm: 1. Christians: 0.

Pax,

Sturm

“Jesus Christ, finally, some peace and quiet. Matt, Mark, and Luke were driving me nuts. ‘We can’t wait to write about all this!’ they kept shrieking. ‘We can’t wait!’ Idiots will probably totally take my shit out of context. I think the only one of those assholes I’ll miss is Judas. How fucked is that? Hey guard! I’m tappin’ out. Spear me, bro!”

Welcome to Clyman, WI where retards give conservative sociopaths like Fitzie here free reign to fuck shit up bad. Where women earn 30% less than their male overlords. Where a DUI is a badge of honor. Where real men instruct their wives with the backs of their hands. This poor girl doesn’t stand a chance. God bless ‘Merica!

So I was most fortunate and was able to evac from this shit state immediately after the crushing defeat by the conservatives here in Wisconsin on June 5th. It really couldn’t have been more perfect timing. Now I seriously could have gone to Robert Falcon Scott’s hut in Antarctica’s winter darkness and would have had a better time than watching a bunch of fucking retards gloat and celebrate Walker, Fitzgerald, et al’s simultaneous defeat of reason, logic, sanity, nature, and humanity. But instead of a vacation of sensory deprivation, I chose the opposite. I went to NYC. Now I’ve heard a lot of people talk about NYC being the greatest city on earth which seems like quite a ridiculous claim, but having been there before and spending more time there this past week, I believe I understand where the sentiment of this claim is coming from. Is it really the greatest city on earth? Probably not, but I haven’t been to every or even 1% of the cities on the planet, so I can’t back up that claim. I can tell you that it is better than Chicago, Belfast, Minneapolis/Saint Paul, DFW, Denver, Milwaukee, St. Louis, Atlanta, Miami, Las Vegas, and Madison to name a few. It’s not even a fucking contest. So if it beats these cities, then it’s a no-brainer that it fucking crushes every rinky dink Podunk redneck town in the entirety of the United States, especially those in Wississippi. To be fair, the jury’s still deliberating on San Francisco, Dublin, and Rome.

Look at all these arrogant New York City assholes. Every one of them is a jerk, especially the woman near center in the green top and red skirt. She’s a god damned mega bitch.

Now on the opposite side there are a lot of people who shred the city of New York every chance they get. It’s like some burning passion. I don’t get it. If they were talking about a town full of a bunch of conservative pseudo-human retards like say Menomonie, WI then I’d say, yeah, you’re spot on. Hate away. But they’re not, they’re talking about a city spread across five distinct boroughs that houses over 8.2 million fucking people. I just don’t get the hate. It’s annoying and it’s ridiculous. “It’s a nice place to visit,” they’ll say, “but I wouldn’t want to live there!” I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard this. Really? Well nobody asked and nobody gives a shit where you want to live, fuckstick. You’re sitting at the same restaruant/bar in a shitty Wisconsin town night after night. Your sensibilities are clearly more fucked than a Cambodian whore. “Well, it’s just that New York is full of assholes,” they’ll counter. “They’re all so mean!” Really? You’ve met all 8.2 million people and they’re all assholes? How? Politically? Socially? How specifically are they assholes? Now if you met say, a paltry 40 percent of the population (that’s 3,297,964 people) and you interviewed them and they proved themselves to be assholes, then I’d say you’re on to something. But you haven’t fuck muffin. You haven’t even met a dozen people. You can’t say shit about that city. “Well you can’t raise a kid there.” Now you’re not even trying. Fucking amateur. Listen, if you like living in your culturally stagnant shit hole of a town like Beaver Dam, Wisconsin, then have at it. But don’t try to explain it away with some childish arguments lest you risk sounding like a teabagger and the last thing you want is to sound like a god-damned teabagger.

So fuck these people. Let me tell you what I loved about ONE OF the greatest cities on the planet.

24/7 activity- From the moment you step off the plane in shitty, but convenient Laguardia (seriously, avoid JFK at all costs) you’re bombarded with hustle and bustle. It’s fucking fantastic. It’s like Vegas except without the toothless meth addicts pushing a single button until the computer determines they’ve been at it long enough. Actually, I take that back. It’s nothing like Vegas. Fuck Las Vegas. I’d rather stab my sack repeatedly with a spork than go back there. What I’m saying is, no matter what time of day it is, there is always something going on and something for you to do. We stayed with a friend in Astoria not far from the N train. Walk a block to Ditmar’s and you’ve got everything you need. If you didn’t want to, you’d never have to leave his neighborhood. Want to know the sad part? Even with all the density and intensity of his neighborhood, it is still quieter than my Madison neighborhood. How the fuck is that even possible? I slept like a baby there while here I constantly wake up. Maybe it’s the sound of ignorance creeping in from rural Wisconsin that’s waking me up. Who knows? All I know is that in New York it was so easy to stay active that before I knew it, it was 3 a.m. It’s way too easy to lose track of time. And the sheer amount of social intricacies above and below ground is staggering. I could people watch for years there.

“Aiight, ladies! Form an orderly queue. The douche express leaves in five!”

Endless variety- I guarantee you could live in NYC your entire life and never experience everything it has to offer. From the Greek district of Astoria you can take the N train and be in Manhattan in 30 minutes. If you walk through Greenwich Village suddenly you can be in the more seedy surrounding streets. Catch a train every 15-20 minutes and you can warp to another world. The next time I go there, I’m going to journey through the city for 24 consecutive hours and keep a journal. The variety of the shit I will see will be insane. Now I’m not a sports fan, but being in NYC made me wish I was. They have two of each, those lucky fuckers. I did take in a Yankee’s game while there. The most enjoyable part of that was watching this fan in front of me laugh at Alex Rodriquez every time he struck out. Man, what a fucking waste of money A-Rod is. And is there a more douchey looking player in the league than Derek Jeter? I don’t think so. Oh I’m just foolin’ about. I bet Jeter’s actually a very nice douche bag.

If my $3.50 was the only amount needed to keep Menomonie, WI from utter financial ruin, mass chaos and utter destruction, I’d sooner spend it on this grand invention at a food cart in NYC.

Food- The fucking food, oh my christ, the fucking food. It was glorious. I thought about taking up the life of the binger/purger just to be able to sample everything I wanted to. Maybe it’s cliche, but the one thing I wanted more than anything while in NYC was a big-ass deli sandwich and man I found that at Sal, Kris, and Charlie’s Deli. Those fuckers know how to make a sammy. Enormous doesn’t begin to describe it. So many toppings to choose from. So delicious. All for a piddly seven fucking dollars. In New York! (Actually it’s a myth. NY isn’t that expensive for food. It’s really no worse than shit-tastic Madison. I’ve heard it said that if you eat at restaurants on the streets versus the avenues, you’ll get far greater value). I’m telling you, this sandwich was so delicious I went back the next day and was so excited to eat another giant vehicle of deli magnificence that when this no nonsense owner pointed at me with his thick fucking finger that could break my tiny nurse body, all I could say was, “Tomatoes, onions, uh… derp!” Some other fantastic places in Astoria: Watawa Sushi (I couldn’t eat enough of the magnificent art that is their sushi. Eel mother fuckers!) and Taverna Kyclades (best sea bass I have ever and perhaps will ever eat). I really could go on for pages about the dining, but I won’t. But I do want to give a mighty nod to one last place, The Drunken Horse in Manhattan. After hours of walking we happened upon this urban oasis. Exhausted we sat on their magnificently cozy couch, drank beers, ate hummus and falafel wraps and listened to the idiots stuck in rush hour honk at one another in futility. The owner of that place must be the god of hospitality. The only shitty  experience I had in New York was at Mad River Bar and Grill. That may have been the shittiest bar experience of my life, but at least the DJ playing on Thursday, June 7 was quite nearing the fucking phenomenal. He was an actual DJ doing shit, not an annoying MP3-J winking at the ladies as he bobs his head like a goofy son-of-a-bitch.

The mayor of Adams-Friendship, WI pictured as he contemplates whether to beat his wife first or take his 7th breath for the minute.

Aggression- It’s a strange thing to love I know, but hear me out. People honk and bark at each other all the time there, but there’s this level of control about it that rednecks in middle America are absolutely incapable of. This cab tried to cut this one pedestrian off during rush hour in Manhattan after our magical time at the Drunken Horse and the dude verbally accosted the cab driver like a fucking champ. Once the rage was out, he walked on and all was well. Maybe some egos were bruised, but that’s it. Drivers honk, pedestrians shout, and bike couriers gesture, all in an incredible dance and display of communication that only those in big cities can truly respect and more importantly, deliver. I would fit in well there. As a bicyclist in Madison (one that obeys ALL rules of the road I’ll have you know) I know well the rage that can come when travelling amongst the oblivious and worse, the idiotic. Like that Manhattan pedestrian, I too rage like a champ, summoning fear from those that dare cross me. It’s a brilliant flash in the pan and then it’s gone. No harm, no foul. This is something that rednecks in Wisconsin are incapable of. You see their anger leads to dead cyclists, spousal abuse, drunk driving and possible jail time for the offender as long as he lives in a city with a population greater than 150,000 people… maybe. Depends if the judge and jury are wife beatin’ ‘Mericans themselves. I can’t imagine living below the Mason Dixon Line especially if I was just a bit more tan. And now that we have castle doctrine in Wisconsin, watch out. Fucking eager fuckers can’t wait to shoot first and ask questions never. Remember the threats against door to door recall petitioners earlier this year? “I’ll shoot them if they come to my door!” Fucking cancervatives. Fuck ’em.

Idiots and assholes- So to all those people that gripe about all the assholes in New York, I didn’t run into a single one in five days of constant wandering. One guy on a busy Manhattan street actually stopped and picked up my sun glasses for me when I dropped them. Well played sir. Well played. I would of course bet my life savings on the presence of assholes in that fine city, but they are far less noticeable than those in Wisconsin. And they’re probably far less annoying. What about idiots you’re asking? When I think of big cities, I think proselytizers. They are all over fucking Madison, but thinking back I didn’t see a single bible thumping idiot there. Not one. I prefer the occasional smell of garbage to seeing a proselytizer any day. Now I do have to admit, I heard about one idiot while I was there. He’s a pseudo-idiot really. Mister Michael Bloomberg, come on down! This guy really makes liberals look stupid. His ban on sodas larger than 32 ounces is embarrassing. Now I understand what he’s trying to do. Obesity is an epidemic and I respect his desire to combat it, but there has to be a better way. A move like this gives teabaggers ammunition for their anti-humanity cause. It makes them look justified in their ignorance and they are anything but.  (Sidenote: I was impressed that despite the city wide smoking ban, hooka lounges and cigar bars were still allowed to exist. Mmmmm, hooka. Here in Madison they’re just too fucking stupid to get it and they killed these businesses by not offering exemption with the smoking ban). Now I know some will say, but Sturm, Bloomberg actually won office as a Republican and now he’s an Independent. That’s technically true, but his social stances are anything but Republie/con. He only switched parties to gain the coveted votes of the numerous conservative idiots of Staten Island. What do you know? There are New York assholes after all. Found ’em! I still can’t believe Bloomberg endorsed GWB for president. Fucking New York idiot. Every village needs one.

Come to redneck Wisconsin where you can stand high above the enemy and rain down upon it with your magnificence. Our arrows and beer cans shall blot out the sun. If it’s brown, it’s down!!!

Green space- The thing that blew me more than being at Gay Pride New York… I mean blew me AWAY, was how fucking beautiful New York is. The green space was fantastic, moreso even than a city like Madison. Of course it has five times the square mileage, but still. And I’m not just talking about central park which in itself is a marvel and bigger than some small shitty Wisconsin towns. I’m talking about some of the green space that has been done brilliantly. The High Line is a fantastic display of greenery done in a most ingenious way. It seemed every where we walked there were parks and small quiet green areas. Rooftop gardens, parks, and rain gardens seemed to be everywhere. Of course they are not thriving eco systems which is what we really need more of on this suburban sprawl infected planet, but it is at least the start of something. Sorry redneck assholes, corn and soy bean fields that gather the deer and turkeys you so bravely and skillfully shoot from your beer filled tree stands don’t count as green space. In fact they are leading to the demise of this planet’s biodiversity far more than high rising cities like New York. It’s a fact morands. Accept it or fuck off.

So that’s kind of it summarized very briefly for your enjoyment. I could map it out in far more detail, but some things are better left unsaid. My memories are just that… min. But I will leave you with one last thought. The one thing about this trip that shocked me is that for the first time ever I dreaded coming home. Everytime before when I’ve come home from vacation, I’ve been excited about something. You know how exhausting vacations can be whether relaxing on the beach or traipsing through the streets? I have always looked forward to returning home for a vacation from my vacation, but not this time. The only excitement I had was the thought of seeing my fucking cats who are vastly smarter than all of my Tea Tardy Wisconsin neighbors combined. I guess I have at long last reached the tipping point, people. My time here is done. Wisconsin has nothing, I repeat NOTHING, to offer me or anyone with a shred of decency, imagination, or fucking foresight. Worse, it means nothing. The majority of its citizens are sociopathic morons that support criminals in legislature who shit on two pieces of bread and feed it to the masses. And the masses mow it down with goofy fucking smiles and head nods. They can all go fuck themselves. If they want to regress this state back into the upper Paleolithic period when it was better off than now because it was covered with fucking mile thick ice, then have at it. But if they think they’re getting any more of my hard earned tax dollars to seek and destroy with then they’re fucking dumber than they look. I know there are retard conservatives everywhere, but some places they are only seen and not heard which is the way it should be. I’m heading to a far more progressive area with higher populations. I’ll take my chances with assholes, pinheads, eggheads, and hooligans (whatever haters want to call them) over Wisconsin’s drooling fucking conservative retards any day. They can live with the consequences of their elected sociopaths’ caustic legislative decisions, not me. Sing it loud, Badgers! “Moron Wisconsin! Moron Wisconsin! Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb!” The only assholes I see are right here.

So as for my question. Is New York the greatest city in the world? I don’t know. All I know is it’s far better than the one I’m in now and I can’t wait to go back, and that’s reason enough for me to love NYC more than 98% of the other cities I’ve visited. Of course, since I only spent five intimate days with her, is it actually lust? I lust New York. Yeah, I lust the shit out of her.

Peace,

Sturm

“Hiiiiii!!! Derrrrrrrrp!”

Silence may be golden and it may be a fence around wisdom. It may even be one of the great arts of conversation, but let’s get something straight right out of the gate. My silence as of late must not be mistaken for either complacency or fucking acceptance. It is neither. Laziness? Perhaps the teeny tiniest bit. Or maybe it’s more like wicked apathy. You see, when you’re surrounded by a deluge of the dim powered by the army of the retard right here in Wisconsin, resistance seems rather hopeless and more so it seems so fucking futile.

“I’ll do what? I like birdies and fishies and dolphins. I won’t kill them. You lie! Mommy says I’m sensitive and special and can do anything I want! I love aminals!”

As anyone with a brain (this of course excludes teabaggers) knows June 5th approaches fast, and with it ventures forth the inevitability of defeat. The defeat to which I refer isn’t of the Democrats. No, that’s perhaps a tiny part of it as along with Progressives, they truly are the only political body that offers even a twinge of hope for the advancement of civilization, but truth be told, they welcomed the fast approaching crushing, blistering defeat. They asked for it. In fact, I’m not entirely convinced that they didn’t plan on it. Trust me, I saw Jon Erpenbach’s face during my days blasting the capitol with my bullhorn. He wasn’t annoyed. He was afraid… of me. Well, maybe not me exactly, but that which I represent. Distaste, anger, and disgust at this marching corporate agenda of which he clearly is an important part. Behind closed doors, who knows what kind of bedfellow he is with the Fitzies. No, I’m not worried about their defeat. My Hyde welcomes it. They’re clearly an integral part of the problem what with their consistently spineless and cowardly approach to politics. I mean have you heard of this Obama character? Get this. He let the oil companies drain acrid piss into our delicate ecosystems and continues to encourage it to this day… free of charge. Have at it boys!

No. The defeat to which I refer is the defeat of reason of logic of sanity of hope. Hey. Just because one high ranking, ineffectual asshole sullied that word, doesn’t mean I can’t still use it. And don’t give me that hero to the homosexual community bullshit. He doesn’t give a rancid democratic shit about the gays. It’s bullshit posturing. It’s a grand and righteous posture to be sure, but the jury’s going to be deliberating a long fucking time before the final verdict on Obama’s stance is read. And the rights… the fucking RIGHTS… of our gay neighbors will neither be realized in his second lame duck term nor for a painfully long time thereafter. You heard it here.

Wisconsin is a red state folks. Walker has succeeded in his pledge to Beloit billionaire sycophant Diane Hendricks (who paid NO income tax 2005-2008) in a “divide and conquer” strategy to end all strategies. Sidenote: What in the name of Christ’s holy shit is a billionaire doing living in a town named after the sound of  tiny turds hitting toilet water? Whatever…

“Once this state succumbs to the power of red, I’ll buy it all up for the bargain price of $14.95… give or take fourteen ninety. Strip women’s rights! Arm the dim! Repeal environmental protections! Nature’s laws don’t apply to me. I am Hurricane Hendricks! I… am… FURRY! I mean fury. Yeah, FURY!!!.”

Our redness emerged in November of 2010. It inflamed like an angry pulsating hemorrhoid in April 2011 with the reelection of  Sir Ignatius Imp of Appleton, one Davie Prosser. It swelled to an itchy burn in the summer of 2011 with the failed senate switch (and remember, that terrible creature Randy “the bed” Hopper barely lost and celebrated with a DUI). And it will explode with sticky, congealed blood all over Wisconsin’s masses upon the failed attempt at Walker’s recall in less than three weeks. Checkmate, assholes. They win.

Show them what they’ll win, Scotty!

“Well Wisconsin conservatives, how about your very own castle… doctrine. That’s right! With that new concealed carry weapon, I bet you single issue voting, neighborhood watch Christian soldiers are just aching to shoot yourself a threatening negro with Skittles, or better yet a bleeding heart liberal! All you gotta do is drop a trail of quarters leading right into your house and BLAM! Flawless victory. But that’s not all! How about four more terms of de-funded education and pay to play politics? Think your kids are getting too smart? Well worry not. Because under Scotty I and II’s reign, a strong education system will be a libturd dream of the past. Still think that’s it? Wrong! With the re-election of me, Supreme Chancellor Walker, you’ll also receive a stronger corporate representation in government. They’re people too, my friends! Ah doi!”

That certainly is a lot, but surely that can’t be it, can it, Scotty?

“Kill it! Shoot that sum bitch in the face! Recall this you God damned pecker faced mother fucker! God bless Walker!”

“Of course not, Sturm. Need something to add value to those rapidly deflating homes of yours, Wisconsin? Under conservative rule you’ll be allowed to kill any creature you desire and add it to your brand new… Trophy room! Tired of pigeons? BOOM! Stuff it! Hate those ugly cranes? BLAM! Mount it! Tired of wolves being all… wolfy? KA-BLOOEY! Pose it ferociously even though you trapped it and poisoned it! None of your friends will know you’re a coward. Creatures of all sizes will be at your mercy. Masturbate furiously at your magnificence! God is great! God is good! Oh, my God! So… fucking… good… Speaking of God, you’ll also win a chance to teach the next generation that everything we see is six thousand years old! As if that isn’t enough, you’ll also…”

Actually, Scotty. It’s quite enough.

So there you have it, folks. Those are the prizes. Republicans desire nothing more than to strip your civil rights. They desire nothing more than to defund education. They desire nothing more than to shit on a woman’s ability to manage her own health care. They desire nothing more than to find the next country to invade. They desire nothing more than to sow the ignorance of religion deeper into the bylaws of American politics. All in the name of fiscal conservatism.

So how did they do this? How did they win? Well, by pandering to the ignorant and the racist and the misogynistic (90% of Republie/cons fit this bill). It doesn’t take much to distract the dim. Lies to conservatives are like candy to a toddler. They are irresistible. Every single person that votes Republie/con believes that these assholes are “fiscal conservatives”, which of course is despite the fact that EVERY Republie/con since Nixon has engaged in endless war. Every single morand that votes Republie/con also believes the steaming shit heap that sputters on about how they are fighting for smaller government despite monitoring and regulating the living fucking shit out of every aspect of our lives. These of course are the same idiots that worship Ronnie Reagan. Their hero expanded the government, but would they take note of this? Of course not. That might require them to read. “What should I read ‘fer,” they’d shriek.

Oh, speaking of voting like a fucking asshole. Whoever, and by that I mean every single shit stain on the underwear that is humanity that votes for Scott Walker on June 5th is a Republie/con. This cannot be disputed. I’ve heard some idiots say it’s because they “don’t believe in the recalls.” “It’s my own protest vote.” Bullshit. That’s a smokescreen folks. They’re just too ashamed to admit that they’re either racist, bigoted, misogynistic, ignorant, rich, or all of the above. In other words, admitting that they’re Republie/con and they “stand with Walker.” My idiot fucking step father is one of these abominations. Oh well, that’s one less waste of space that I have to interact with. So whatever you do, don’t buy into the bullshit of assholes like him. Cut them out of your lives. Excise the tumors before they metastasize.

So in short, I’m throwing down. I’m calling the elections that truly matter before they happen. Scotty Walker will… WIN! Scotty Fitzgerald will… WIN! Wisconsin will… lose. Big time. But hey, we asked for it. When the wicked, the insane, the inane, the despicable and the straight up retarded join forces, there is little hope for a brighter future. I’m not going to tell you to vote. I’m not going to tell you not to vote. I’m not even going to tell you to hold out hope. I really don’t give a rancid shit what you do anymore, Wisconsin. Do whatever the fuck you need to do to get through this dark era we have entered. Me? I’m just going to bide my remaining time in this shit hole of a state and raise a glass to better times… somewhere else.

Peace,

Sturm

“Awww, c’mon, Pee Paw. It’s just not fair. I can’t ask for another favor yet. No, please don’t take my sleek black SUV back.  It makes the redneck MILFs in my district wet. Shucks, fine I’ll talk to him about it. Tell mee maw to call me later. I’m super scared and lonely right now.”

Well it was only a matter of time, folks. With this many misogynistic, racist, religious bigots, it was destined to happen that the fundamental values of the Republican party would come bubbling to the surface. Undoubtedly ALL four of these goons running for president think the same way, but only fecal/lube discharge had the courage to speak his mind. He just couldn’t help revealing his true feelings that Barack Obama is an “anti-war, government nig… uhh”. I applaud you, you brave and intrepid conservative soul! Certainly you’ve heard it, but just in case you haven’t, here it is in his own words:

 

 

Now I’ve already noticed the internets are lit up with frothy discharge apologists. “No man! Shit no, that’s not what he was going to say. You don’t know!” Really? Well what other word in the English language starts with the letters n-i-g? Well there’s Niger and Nigeria. Ya, we got those. But they’re pronounced n-eye. Now the only other ones I can think of are nigga, nigger, and a quick search on the internets, something this asshole should be well aware of and afraid of, reveals niglet. Shit, I’m racking my brain for other ones, especially ones readily used in conversation. No, make no mistake, this asshole meant nigger. I mean look at how he stumbles and fumbles after saying it. His voice screamed, “Oh shit, did I do that!?” He was scared and hopefully mortified, but I can’t imagine a creationist asshole like him feeling remorse or regret for such blatant disrespect. I mean it horrifies me to even use this word in this blog entry to attack his blatant racism and disrespect for another human being.

Can we dissect this quote just a bit more? Did you hear him call Barack Obama “anti-war”? As if being against war is a bad thing? Jesus Hermanos Fucking Christ this guy is jihad dangerous. Onward christian dipshits! Let’s string all the dissenters high be they muslim, black, or even slightly sinful.

But you know what? In the end, this mega-gaffe doesn’t matter. Nope, not one bit. You see, the Republicans are a bunch of racists and even if Santorum wins the nomination (which he won’t), he’ll pull as many votes as any of the other three identical goons, because the party of old white guys who love war, and persecution of homosexuals, and beating women, and raping the environment are barely one step away from their grandpappy’s pappy who loved to string up our black brethren and sistren’s ancestors. It’s appalling. It’s fucking shocking, and I know it shouldn’t be. Consider the source. What a vulgar fucking human being Frothy is. Holy shit do I use that term human being loosely.

Well, folks let’s sit back and enjoy the fireworks. If they ever arrive. I can’t imagine the media covering an important story like this. Who needs it when gas might rise to five dollars per gallon. Fucking attention deficit morons.

Peace my nnnn… ice peeps,

Sturm

 

"Yeah? So? What's the big fucking deal?"

Ladies and gentlemen! Introducing the one, the only, the great king of the catholics, leader of the ME world, Pope Benedict XVI, Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger. (Psst! FYI, this asshole outright supported the gassing of jews. Just sayin’.)

Is anyone else bored? I am. Yup, I’m dead bored dames and dudes. No, not by my constant pleas for human decency. Shit, certainly not by my incessant drum banging about how we can and should and must strive to be better people. Dammit, of course not about how we are all an integral part of this incredible compression of stardust orbiting one tiny isolated star orbiting one of millions, perhaps even billions of super massive black holes within our known universe. And no, fuck you if you think I’m talking about how terribly wretched and horribly inconsequential and utterly useless Republie/cons and their teabagger leeches are. No, fuck those assholes that mean little more than the piss soaked litter mashed between my cat’s toes. No, what I’m talking about is the real bullshit that plagues humanity, the plague to end all plagues, the mental illness that affects well over 3 billion unfortunate souls within this tiny, insignificant world. Religion.

Surprise, right? The fact that I hate religion that is. Bet you didn’t know that, did you? Nah, it’s true I hate it. I hate it with all my sole. Sorry assholes, I didn’t misspell anything. I am indeed talking about the bottom part of my shoe that gathers dust, dirt, and dog shit because that is far more useful than my “soul”, an imaginary bullshit idea created by religious right-tards like Kooky Kleefisch and Frothy Discharge and especially that fucking mega-asshole boy-fucker of a Hitler Youth Pope Eggs Benedict the XVI. What an asshole Joe is. Fuck him. Someone warn that worthless space jew Padme Amidala!

Only the finest and bravest of souls are welcome in Jesus’s imaginary army. Onward brainwashed soldiers!

It’s shocking, isn’t it? I know. Take a breath though and bear with me for a moment.  I’m a man with an open mind. No, I really am. You see, I abhor ALL ideas of religion and supposed enlightenment that accompanies this word no matter what subscription of this shitty magazine the deluge of the dim have purchased from that poor door to door gentleman. Don’t believe me? Go read the long back log of my fucking blahging grandiosity. I’ve never apologized, and I never will for my intolerance of religion, for you see, it’s just that I simply cannot help myself. Don’t you get it? When people choose, when they fucking CHOOSE to act mentally deficient without the convenient excuse of a traumatic brain injury or an extra chromosome, I can’t help but criticize. I can’t help but attack. I have to act. I must act. We all must act or we risk falling into their web of fatigue.

I’m not sure what’s gotten me so riled up. Perhaps it was an afternoon of philosophical discussion with my incredibly intelligent friend who could probably shit more sense than myself. It’s certainly that and also the fact that just this week I found out that I work with a creationist at my new job. A creationist folks. I actually met in the flesh one that believes everything we see here simply appeared on a bright sun shiny day six-thousand years ago. It just appeared. Not four, not five, but six, count ’em six thousand years ago. Nevermind fossil records within earth’s strata which they explain these away because of the flood and the order of which creatures were killed. Seriously. Don’t believe me? Check it out:

Hard to make it through that shit, isn’t it? I don’t blame you if you turned it off. You get the idea after a few minutes. It’s the fossil record explanation that is comical as hell. These “people” sound like four year olds scrambling to find answers. The thing is, a four year old from a well educated family could come up with a far better explanation than this four plus minute video pieced together by a creationist. And yes, you assume right if I am implying that religious families are less intelligent than non-religious ones. I’ll say it again, there is nothing intelligent about intelligent design.

“Is that an evangelical I smell? I better get out of here. Those fuckers are scary.”

So what do creationists believe beyond the earth’s age of a paltry six millenium? They believe that dinosaurs and humans coexisted. This alone is such a ridiculous claim that it is nearly impossible to attack. I think that’s what they count on. Say something so incredibly ignorant and ridiculous, that most people will have no chance of refuting their claims. The dipshit creationist I work with answered my inquiry about Flintstonian history with this:

“Dinosaurs existed during the time of humans because the bible talks about leviathan.” Really? Because a shitty story book talks about a non-specific giant creature, they were obviously describing dinosaurs? WRONG! What about Odysseus? What about all the crazy stuff in that amazing book? Am I to assume those were real too? It’s written far better than the bible, so I’m going to go ahead and assume that book happened too. What about Lord of the Rings? How do we know J.R.R. Tolkein didn’t get all of his information from “god”? It’s certainly more detailed than the bible in it’s entirety. What about my blog? It’s surely a better read than the bible, and I guarantee I can intellectually out perform any dimwit that wrote a piece of the bible and also those that cling to it mercilessly. Maybe my words are the words of god. Ever think about that?

I haven’t, because they’re not. You know why? 1) Because I don’t know shit about the future. 2) I don’t think my opinion means a shittin’ thing to anyone but myself. 3) I’m not an egotistical fucking idiot shitstain. 4) There is no god. That’s why. “The word of god” is an inner voice. It’s an opinion spewed upon the masses as something beyond an opinion. And this shitty opinion is passed on as “wisdom” to infect the masses in the form of mental illness.

VY Canis Majoris at 2200 times larger than the sun, is the largest star in the known galaxy and it was just there from the start. God just “breathed it out one day.” The laws of physics do not apply to these fiery balls of baby jesus poop.

Guess what else creationists believe? That people lived to be 900 years old. Want to know how they explain this “scientifically”? Because the earth was under the affects of a green house affect thousands of years ago, which is why dinosaurs got to be so big. It makes me laugh just thinking about it. Child’s play my friends. Fucking child’s play. Oh, and as for the argument that “It was just there one day…” This denies all the laws of physics. All of them. Shit doesn’t just appear. When I asked creationist idiot at the desk next to me how she explains the presence of galaxies 13 billion light years away… “They were just there from the start. God breathed them out.” When I asked about how she and her ilk explain viruses and bacteria mutating to not just survive but to thrive… “They were just there. It’s just what they do. God commands it.” When I asked about the different phases of a star’s life, including our own… “They were just like that from the start. It’s god’s will.” See what I mean? You can’t argue with “logic” like that. It’s impervious because “it just is.”

I don’t really want to waste too much time disputing creationists specifically because it is simply impossible to argue with the ignorant. It’s also a waste of time, because it’s not about creationism alone. It’s about christianity, it’s about hinduism, it’s about islam, it’s about mor(m)onism, it’s about scientology, it’s about buddism. It’s about all of these subsets of human ignorance that cling to beliefs that have been and will continue to be proven false just by their sheer stubbornness and resistance to knowledge. All religion is a mental illness that clouds the judgement of its followers, forcing them to abide by laws forged of the strongest ignorance, hatred, intolerance, and wickedness. ALL RELIGION. There are no exceptions.

What makes me right you’re asking? Me. I deemed myself correct. I have just as much right to this claim as Pope Eggs Benny, or the dolly lamo, or that idiot polygamist from the 1840’s, or that awful science fiction author pederast, or… My beliefs are forged from theories, some false and some true but all of them ever changing. If I’m wrong, I learn why and adopt to the new laws of science. The problem with all the other faiths is that they don’t change. They cling to the xenophobia, the racism, the misogyny and the straight up ignorance of their ancestors and they don’t change. Ever. Well, unless it is financially or politically beneficial for example when suddenly it became okay to eat fish on Fridays in the earlier days of the cathoholic church because the fishermen couldn’t make a living.

The best religion is defined by the biggest spread. Go team methodist!

This is all coming from a pastor’s kid. I’ve lived and breathed this shit, and let me tell you something, I called the Kumbyah singing, hand holding, belief in a floating all powerful man (it’s ALWAYS a man) early on for what it was. Bullshit. One hundred percent bullshit. But I do miss those potlucks. Man, nobody does potlucks like the fucking Methodists.

Too bad it isn’t the methodists that are marching over this earth in their war on all life, trying to fuse religion with politics. If you gotta have the mental illness of religion, methodist or UCC are the best to have. If methodism (a subset of christianity) is a mild anxiety disorder, then shia (a subset of islam) is full blown fucking personality disorder. I don’t use that example to pick on islam because catholicism or mor(m)onism or missouri synod lutheran are just as horrible religious indoctrinations. It’s all ignorant and dangerous, so if you absolutely must have the disease, aim small my friends, and go with the ones that offer free food one Sunday a month.

But in the end, all christian denominations, are really only moving in one direction, the way of ignorance, an endless death march in Jesus’ imaginary army of stupor soldiers. Islam also has the same exact goal, except the stupor soldiers don’t belong to Jesus, they belong to Mohammed. And scientology stupor soldiers march forth in Xenu’s name. Me? What do I march to? Noone. Just a simple, harmless idea born in the most fiery force in the galaxy… that we were all born of stardust and we’ll return to stardust. That one day the Andromeda galaxy and the Milky Way will collide. That life will end on this planet when our star becomes a red giant. Perhaps we’ll be a space faring civilization some day in the future, but more likely we won’t. The only thing that is certain is that life has risen, and is rising, and will rise again on a rocky sphere in countless places within the universe. We are just one small, brief, and hopelessly insignificant speck within this massive universe. And believe me my friends, it doesn’t get more comforting than that.

Peace,

Sturm

"Well hells ya I support Romney. Santorum? Absolutely. Ron Paul? Of course. Gingrinch? Without a doubt. Who am I gonna vote fer then? Well I'm an independent, duh, so I vote what my consum... my consen... my constipation dictates... I'll vote fer whoever I damn well please! Now kindly step out of my way, college boy, I need to get to that Hooters over there for some oysters!"

Ron Paul, Newt Gingrinch, Mitt Romney, and the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex. What do they all have in common? They are all parasitic creatures feeding off  of others whether it be those less fortunate souls’ fears, hopes, hard work, or mere desire to eek out a simple, inconsequential existence. They are playing a dangerous game with this civilization, and worse this planet and it’s fragile ecosystem of which humans are merely another part. They are drones and nothing more. Well, not exactly. They are also clones. Each one represents the other in reality. There are minimal differences. Sure there are subtle nuances that give one more credit with a certain pocket of the Republie/con party, but make no mistake, they all represent the same end: big and oppressive government, endless war, cementation of religion within the political system, misogyny, homophobia, racism (yeah assholes, even that now thankfully irrelevant teatard Herman Cain), environmental desecration, and civil rights repeal. Did I miss anything? Oh yeah. How about an inability to display plain old fucking decency, compassion, and foresight?

I know, a lot of people will come to the defense of Ron Paul claiming he is not like the others. They say he actually has some civility and sense about him. Even some of my liberal friends and coworkers are guilty of coming to the aid of his perhaps slightly more subtle yet equally damaging hyperbole. “I like Ron Paul,” they’ll say. Or, “Ron Paul’s not that bad. At least he’s genuine.” Genuine? How? In what sense? He’s a Republican reaching hard for the “independents” and thankfully he’s failing, because in the end he’d be just like the other three morands in the race.

Now I know I’m prone to my own hyperbole, but you see the difference is, mine doesn’t lead to war, environmental desecration, or civil entropy. And mine is awesome. Some have and will continue to criticize my “tired talking points” (those pesky ideas of misogyny, civil rights, the environment, etc, etc) and that’s fine. Who cares? They are sub-human creatures that barely evolved beyond our ape ancestor mentality. All they are capable of is a lot of  grunting and chest thumping and during every major election, drawing a shaky line to complete the arrow pointing to anyone with an (R) by their name on a ballot.

"Ah, yes 'tis one hundred purrcent true. I shit in a box and then promptly lick my own asshole. All I think about is eating, pooping, getting scratched, and batting dripping water, but I have a vastly more refined social conscientiousness than all of those teabaggers I have watched from my kingly window perch."

Anyways, I have digressed (but not really). Back to my main point. What I’m saying is that all four of these goons are identical to one another save a few nuances in their individualized insanity. Ron Paul believes inner city blacks will stick you with AIDS infested needles (he approved publication of racist newsletters stating so). Newt Gingrich believes it is okay to cheat on your wife (during work hours) while berating and calling for the impeachment of an asshole president who did the exact same. Mitt Romney believes he’s going to inherit a planet and have many wives when he dies. And frothy discharge believes… well so many heinous things (a six thousand year old earth for starters) that he should be automatically disqualified for being inconsequential but he hasn’t. He’s a theocrat for fuck’s sake! You know, the funny thing is even his own overly oppressed wife doesn’t believe the bullshit that comes spewing out of her misogynistic, creationist asshole husband’s mouth. Pre-Santorum, she lived with a man out of wedlock for christ’s sake. Of course froth meister will talk about how she repented and has been forgiven by god (which is another way of saying froth-man is merely, and graciously according to him, letting bygones be bygones). What in the name of christ’s holy shit is wrong with these people? Bah, why analyze their banalities? It gets us nowhere. That’s energy better spent making a stuffed grilled cheese sandwich. Or petting my vastly more important cats.

"Whoa guys! When I said suit up, I didn't mean blabber like morons and spout crazy ideas in public. But Mitt, man. Way to go on baggin' those babes in the afterlife, bro! Not sure about the marriage part though."

So you see, despite these nuances, the fundamental beliefs of all four candidates have been, still are, and forever will be identical. You know, it’s weird the dichotomy of anger and humor that this whole Republie/con primary delivers to me on a silver fucking platter. I’m 99.99% certain it’s the common thread of rising religion leading towards theocracy weaving throughout all of these suited up assholes that disgusts and horrifies me the most. What’s most ironic (and moronic) about this idea of theocracy is that the dolts that will automatically vote for WHOEVER wins this race to the bottom are the same assholes that shriek about all of the islamic (not capitalized to emphasize insignificance) theocratic states. Of course they’re too ignorant to use the word theocratic and choose instead, oh I don’t know, “towel heads” or “sand niggers” or some compilation of words that cling to the false idea that christianity is even microscopically less crazy than islam. Idiots.

Now I hate Obama. Not personally of course, but because he’s a right leaning corporate Dimocrat. Too many of his policies fight for the wrong side. He’s dropped the ball so many times it’s not even worth watching the game anymore for fear of punching my beautiful 47 inch LED t.v. He failed to punish BP like he should have. Even fucking Brazil has detained the executives of Chevron for shitting in the water. Have you seen this? It’s unbelievable. Maybe it won’t go anywhere, but it’s a god damned great start. But could Obama do that? No, because the asshole needs his own post-presidency golden parachute. What an asshole. He’s even gone so far as to open up further drilling in the name of energy independence. What a panderer to the simpleton, “drill baby drill” crowd. But we can’t stop there. Oh, no. He also caved in to the demands of the cathoholics on birth control. He pandered to the military, keeping unnecessary wars rolling far longer than he should have. He supports the idea that “corporations are people too, my friend.” So excuse the hyperbole, but Barack’s nothing more than a Republie/con.

But as much as I hate Obama, I truly hate the open Republie/cons more. It makes me smile when I see that the longer this primary rolls on, the more Barack’s numbers swell. Why? No, not because Barack will probably win in November, but because it shows the indisputable stupidity and the incredible arrogance and the outright uselessness of the right. Does anyone actually think if say frothy discharge wins the primary that anyone who unwaveringly supported Ron Paul will refuse to vote for anal drainage? No, of course not. Why? Is it because all four candidates ultimately support their own stunted and wicked belief systems? Without a doubt, but more importantly it’s because all four of them are all inter-fucking-changeable. They’re cloned drones if you will. End of story.

Peace,

Sturm

"Uhhhhhhh... sand niggar!"

Flush Bimbo says, "After overdosing on sildenafil citrate (which my insurance readily pays for even though I'm rich) and then watching my wife come to fake orgasm just to get me to stop sweating and heaving on top of her, I like to listen to that disgusting homo Elton's music while contemplating the greatness of my sheer existence. It's good to be king of the teatards!"

Pill problems. What does Flush Bimbo know about pills? So it would appear that the king of the teatards, the oxycontin eatin’ asshole, the master of misogyny went and spoke out of turn and without thought (which is every time he flaps his smegma encrusted jowls) . I’m sorry, but did he actually call that vastly more intelligent and useful law student Sandra Fluke a whore, a slut, a harlot for going before our ineffectual (all of ’em for different reasons) politicians in support of birth control? For those of you who haven’t been paying attention or work too much to always catch the news, here is Flush’s self imposed debacle of embraced insanity. Now it may come as a surprise to you that I don’t like Flush. I hate him in fact. If he ate one too many twice baked pork rinds topped with sour cream, pepper jack and bacon and died from a coronary, I wouldn’t cry, in fact I’d cheer. Maybe not as loud as if Al Queda flew a plane into the Daytona 500, but I’d cheer none the less. He is a wicked creature, an abomination of human conscience who deserves nothing less than to suffer as all rats do at the hand of an overdose of D-con. He is horrible. He is heinous. He is a tax (something he hates) on society. There is no excuse and even less defense for the continuation of his existence. Hopefully he’ll soon pull an Andrew Breitbart. Man I smiled the day Andy died. Good riddance.

But let’s put my rationality aside for just a moment and speak to the abomination that is Flush Bimbo’s belief system. He, like ALL present day conservatives, believes that birth control is evil. Does he believe it separates us from his misogynistic god? Yaaaawn. Probably. Anytime anyone brings religion into the debate they automatically lose. Let’s assume for one minute that he does NOT have the ambitions of his typical religious zealot followers. Even without the mentioning of religion, he believes that all women who use and/or believe birth control should be covered by assistance programs/insurance are sluts. Don’t believe me? Read the fucking article.

Now what is typical of him and his slimy ilk is that they believe birth control should not be covered for any women, but they do believe wholeheartedly that Viagra should be covered for any men. Typical of the Davie Koch idolizing morands. Take this proof positive quote from admiral dipshit:

“Three thousand dollars for birth control in three years? That’s a thousand dollars a year of sex — and, she wants us to pay for it. … They’re admitting before congressional committee that they’re having so much sex they can’t afford the birth control pills!” 

This one quote is the only quote you need to read to realize how dangerously ignorant and fundamentally wrong Flush and his tea tardy followers are. He’s an idiot for many reasons but here because he clearly thinks that birth control is taken on an as needed basis, as if you only take a few doses here and there when you want to have the occasional round of seedy power banging. Hey Flush! It’s a continuous dose. The ladies take it every day save one week a month to make sure they bleed as nature dictates. It doesn’t matter if they fuck once an hour or once a year, the dose is the fucking same and it has to remain so in order to ensure efficacy. You’d think a guy who’s been married as many times and has flopped around like a crippled, tusk-less walrus on top of as many plastic, mannequin-esque bimbos as Flush has would understand this. But he doesn’t. And neither do any of his asshole, oxygen wasting followers. And trust me, assholes. I have insurance and my wife and I end up paying $750 out of pocket each year to prevent little ones who would be vastly more socially adept and productive and useful than Rush from escaping into the world. This is of course not even touching the fact that birth control, a hormonal regulating agent, can and IS used for an incredible number of reasons beyond preventing babies.

"With my Viagra script I shall now be able to spread my seed across this great country of mine as easily as campaign financing for wickedly ignorant and willfully malignant Republicans. Thank you Pfizer!"

But would conservatives like Flush or Santorum or O’Reilly or Cain or Palin or Perry understand the facts? Would they even care? No, because “god” (not capitalized to emphasize insignificance) commands that we don’t prevent birth. He (it’s ALWAYS a he) wants us to proliferate, because he created semen and eggs and they are meant to meet in a warm, dark, moist place to create babies. Really Flush? God made it that way? What about your flaccid pecker? Isn’t that the way god made it? If you can’t pop wood to stick it to your heinous wife (I sure as shit couldn’t get it up for her either), then isn’t that just the way it’s supposed to be? Your dick ain’t meant to get thick asshole. “god” said so. Tough shit. Fuck you if you think we should pay for your Viagra which I guarantee is more expensive than birth control. If you don’t approve of birth control for all those female sluts, then we sure as shit shouldn’t pay for Viagra for all those male sluts either, especially lurching, lumbering, useless walruses like yourself. Fair is fair, asshole. Oh, and Flush? Your precious sildenafil? That IS taken on an as needed basis, morand, and you don’t need anymore. You’re cut off you blubbering fucking bovine cunt.

But I’m wasting my calories thundering away on this keyboard. Those who need to hear and accept this never will. They are beyond reach and well beyond reproach according to their imaginary and misogynistic petulant child god. My smart followers get it. All I can say is I wish Flush’s parents had used birth control. All types simultaneously; condoms, sponges, pills, and spermicidal creams, just to prevent the creation of one of the worst mutations of the current human gene pool. Of course then who would have assisted with the proliferation of the opium trade? Certainly Afghanistan would be in an economic crisis greater than the one that is currently plaguing this great country of Flush and his tea tardy followers.

Anyway, take care peeps and bang safely and with great empowerment, even if admiral dipshit and his sheeple will call you a slut or a harlot or a prostitute for doing so. Because Flush is all about equality and sensibility, I can only assume he is directing his misfiring cannons against all of us slutty males too.

Sturm

P.S. Prostitutes do far more for society than Flush ever has or ever will.

My hagraven grandmother. Not your typical cute 'n cuddly grandma. No cookie baking here, folks.

Well, it has finally happened. The world can breathe a bit easier. Kittens no longer release muffled mews from inside canvas sacks. The laughter of children can once again return to the streets. A great weight has been lifted from the hearts and minds of the innocent. The kind and the gentle have nothing more to fear, for she, the one of whom I rarely choose to speak, has died. The leather skinned abomination, the hagraven, who sucked the joy from all who dared venture too near, has fallen prey to nature’s final cold embrace. No, I’m not talking about Whitney Houston, I’m talking about mother figure’s mother figure. Grandmother figure if you will.

Man my grandmother figure was a bitch. Now I don’t mean to merely imply she was a crabby, prone to irritation because she lived through the Great Depression woman. No, that would be understandable. Shit no, this woman was a down right nasty fucking sociopathic mega-asshole that would have sooner crushed puppy skulls in front of me than give four year old Sturm a hug. That’s all I needed growing up. One heartfelt hug from granny. But no that was too much to ask. It was all about cold “love” I guess, teaching me the harsh realities of the world which I guess could have been fine, except she didn’t actually end up teaching me shit. She merely reinforced the feelings of revulsion that arrived every time my neurotic, narcissistic mother sent me up to see her sadistic mentor for six weeks out of every summer. For more reflections on mother figure, please see my previous brilliant entry.

Seriously, ma? Six weeks? Did that bitch have any idea how much time that is to a child trapped in the icy, spindly hands of the enemy? Now the only saving grace was the fact that the hagraven lived in the middle of the fucking woods. I did like that part, because I spent all the hours of daylight roaming the woods, praying that I’d get mauled by a mother fucking black bear or adopted by a pack of wolves. But sadly every night as darkness fell upon the forest, so too did it fall upon my heart because I’d have to go back into that den of emotional iniquity where it resided. Her hissing voice and shuffling feet terrorized young me, planting the seeds of anxiety, self-doubt, and deprecation that would fully blossom by the time I discovered how fucking awesome masturbation was. Of course let’s not forget the guilt that accompanies the emotionally terrorized.

"Come here little Sturm. Granny needs a kiss. Just kidding! Here's a gift for you I left in the bedpan! Eat it you little bastard!"

I’m sure some of you will wave your hand and say “Bah!” as you believe I exaggerate the despicable existence of grandmother figure. I don’t. It was real. Other, more enlightened readers may be wondering why she behaved in the way she did. Well that’s easy. I can tell you. Quite simply, she was a full blown malignant narcissist. Okay, okay maybe she wasn’t as far gone as to kill my pets in front of me, but she was cruel enough to make it known that she loved her pet schnauzer far more than she loved me or ANY of my siblings (they’ll probably disagree). But I knew. I could see it in her eyes. The way she gazed at me across the table during breakfast. Every time I reached for a piece of toast or the milk she would judge and then snap because I moved to fast or made too much noise or dropped a crumb upon her favorite table cloth. Cold fucking bitch. Holy shit she was wicked.

You know what’s crazy? I think during my whole life I saw that cunt smile like maybe twice. One of those was when she and her husband sold their Kellogg’s stock when it was high and spent it all traveling the world. Good for them. No, I really mean it. You earned it, you spend it. Whatever you gotta do to be happy. Who the fuck knows what the other smile was for. Like all narcissists, the hagraven was a master manipulator and master of denigration of those she should have cared for. She made it perfectly clear that she despised her daughter’s side of the family. She fucking loathed us. Her son’s side, however, could do no wrong. Their fucking feces smelled like freshly baked cinnamon rolls. Nevermind that her son fucking cheated on his own wife of many years and that his son partied with blow while committing various crimes. Assholes. But little Sturm breaks her two dollar chipmunk bottle and holy fuck all it’s the end of the world! “You always were a trouble maker, Sturm!” (Note narcissist tactic of negative reinforcement and superiority) What a bitch.

Know what’s worse than having a narcissistic grandmother figure? Having an enabling asshole grandfather figure to do her wicked bidding. This guy was a cowardly piece of work. I fucking resent that man. It’s a good thing he’s dead because my words may well cut him to his brittle bones were he alive today. He died about the time I started this little blahg. I remember visiting him on his death bed about two days before the sweet release. Part of me wanted to lean in and whisper: “I’m glad you’re dying,” or “I hope this hurts, gramps.” But I didn’t, because unlike him and his cunt wife, I actually have a conscience. Don’t get me wrong, grandfather figure was actually nice more often than not. I actually liked him most of the time except when he was being a control freak. My anger against him stems from the simple fact that he didn’t stand up against the blatant emotional abuse his hagraven wife unleashed upon us. And for that he deserves to have his ass fucking crushed. Mother figure called him a big teddy bear. Me? I call him a spineless, slithering coward. Maybe he is the aforementioned teddy bear’s asshole. Fuck him. And fuck her.

"You know what? I'm not giving too much thought to this somatic narcissism of which you speak, I just think my shit literally does not stink. Man I'm awesome!"

So my dead grandmother was a narcissist and she passed all of her acidic knowledge on to her own daughter who in turn continued to fill my own young head with self doubt, anxiety, inner turmoil, and vapid fear. My mother was a victim, no doubt. She has truly suffered at the hands of her narcissistic mother figure and iron fist controlling father figure. It should make me feel sympathy, but it doesn’t. Why? Because she has decades on me. Mother figure should have grown up. She should have recognized the shit sandwiches her own mother fed her. Hell, I did. She should have gotten psychological help. More so it was her responsibility, nay, her fucking DUTY as an adult to deal with her own demons, especially before she dared bring children of her own into this world to corrupt them and plague them with her own fucking insecurities.  But she didn’t. Nope, the fucking bitch was lazy and cowardly. She buried her issues deep in the minds of her offspring. She became a “mother” so that she could have something to love her. She popped out kids to have little friends to talk to and vent to. Know what it’s like to be a kid and have your mother unload all her secrets and doubts about her marriage onto your vulnerable mind? It’s devastating. She only bred to fill the void in her life set forth by her own shitty parents and in the fallout created young casualties of war. She failed. Of course she had a cowardly father to set an example so big fucking surprise. Did I mention that asshole threatened to disown her when she protested the Vietnam War? What a prick fucking douche nozzle that dead asshole was. At least he can do no more harm to his daughter.

So my life has shed another malicious figure. It is good. It is freeing. I do not weep. I do not fear. Quite simply, I do not care. The narcissists and their enablers have tried their best to lead me astray, to make me fall in line with their wicked ways but I refuse. I rise above them because I am better than them. They are the shit upon my sole. They are annoying. They stink. They are foul. But in the end they are inconsequential. I will wipe them off upon the grass and carry on my own way. Mother figure wants to fix what has happened. She is hurt that I have pulled away (see how narcissists spin it all to be about them? Here are more traits). She wants to heal the damage and then have a normal relationship. Normal? You killed normal years ago, ma. No. There can be no forgiveness and there certainly can be no forgetting. If there is one thing I have learned in my life, it is that a narcissist can never be trusted. They cannot and they will not change. The disorder will even be taken off the DSM-5 probably because it is too hard to diagnose and even harder to treat. Plus most narcissists aren’t malignant narcissists and in the end can you really treat someone who is just guilty of being a complete asshole? No you can’t. The only thing that can be done with these people is to excise them as if they are tumors. Which is what they are, malignant tumors that will invade every last centimeter of healthy tissue until all is consumed. This means setting up a policy of no contact if all other boundaries fail. I am not there yet, but I may be soon.

As for the hagraven. When the ground thaws in the spring and I am called to head north to finally witness her corpse heaved into a grave, I think I may well pass, for you see it is all so unbelievably inconsequential to me. I’m not angry anymore. I haven’t been for awhile. I just don’t care. I don’t care about my uncle or his family enough or my narcissistic mother enough to stand around in a cold spring wind pretending to give a rancid shit. I’ve got better things to do, like live my life. The things I care about are far more worthy of my time. I care about my friends. I care about my wife. I care about my cats. I even care about my new and difficult  job though those idiotic teatards would claim otherwise. But I don’t care about the narcissists that have wandered around within my life, treading wherever and however loudly they please. Not anymore. And I never will again.

Peace of mind,

Sturm

"I endorse Palin... no Pawlenty... no the byproduct of anal sex, what was his name?... uhh, no I mean Newt... wait, no Romney. Yeah, Romney!!! Mitt promised me a mansion on his planet when I die. The ruler of Kolob commands it!"

You know what irks me more than anything? When inconsequential pieces of maggot infested shit conservatives hog the stage and refuse to acknowledge what a joke they are. Yes, I’m talking about Donald Trump. Since when did this asshole’s opinion come to be respected on any level? Donald Trump? Seriously? What a joke. It appears he is suddenly endorsing Mitt Romney. Wait a minute, wasn’t it Newt Gingrich like a month ago? Oh, that’s right, it’s the republie/con party. This is the party of infantile attention deficit morons who can barely remember to breathe that make up the vast majority of their party. Stupid bastards.

Seriously, they trust Don? The republie/con party is seriously deferring to this asshole’s judgment? The party of “fiscal conservatism” (despite spending countless billions on war with EVERY republie/con administration in my fucking lifetime) is putting all of their trust in a guy who’s been bankrupt more times and depended on government money (welfare) than any “welfare maggot” these hypocritical, misogynistic drains on society attack at every turn? Wow. Pathetic.

"Don't be stupid. Vote anything but republican!"

Did I ever tell you how much I hate conservatives? Fuck these assholes are stupid and this whole debacle only confirms it. Don represents the vast majority of his party, he really does. He’s like Glen Beck or Bill O’Reilley or the Koch bros. He’s a racist, bigoted, short sighted old man who spouts fragile and rudimentary opinions disguised as knowledge. He’s a morand (a moron that worships Ayn Rand) who when it gets right down to it, barely has the brain capacity to tie his own shoes, let alone grasp insanely complicated financial concepts like debt, GNP, GDP, etc, etc. Corky in his teen television years would have been a vastly more shrewd businessman than that show boater Don. Don’s an idiot, plain and simple just like anyone worth less than a few cool million that votes republican. Young Corky at least had common sense and decency as a social foundation. Oh, and again, let’s not forget that Don’s been BANKRUPT… multiple times! How’s that for fucking irony? Jack ass can’t even manage his own money let alone that of 150 million taxpayers. So by all means republie/cons, go ahead and put your trust in somebody that couldn’t hold himself in a debate against an aborted baby. Oh, and if you republie/cons happen to  steal the White House from that moderate piece of shit corporate Dimocrap Obama in November, it would most definitely be a tragedy to end all tragedies, but hey… la la la la life goes on!

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