Category: Inebriated Insights


I wasn’t gonna do it, I really wasn’t. I thought about it for a day and was leaning towards letting it pass by, but it’s just too delicious of a morsel, to succulent of a bite… hell it might be a glorious meal. Seriously, how can I not when this conservative shitbag just makes it so easy? It seems Randy “the bed” Hopper was out celebrating another Packer win and done went and got himself a DUI while having a child, one Valerie C(r)ass in his car. What an asshole. Did the DUI happen because he’s a conservative? No, of course not, but it makes it all the more delicious because this is the same asshole that campaigned on family values. He’s always bragged about an unfaltering moral compass and a devotion to justice and the people of Wisconsin. Lying piece of conservative shit. Want a better video of his arrest? Check out the police cruiser dash cam video. It’s a long one, but you can just skim through it to the fun parts. It goes to show the long hard work involved with dragging these DUI shitbags to justice. “Overpaid union thug!” scream the teabaggers. “Let him go!” Do you think there was a quiet satisfaction within this officer being able to haul Randy in after the underhanded shit that ex-senator (feels so good to say that) supported without delay? Randy attacked that officer’s livelihood. There must be a good feeling in there somewhere.

Randy "the bed" Hopper. Supporting family values one drink at a time. He really is just like his redneck constituents.

I’m just happy this asshole got caught before he killed someone. He should be deeply ashamed, so ashamed that he locks himself in a rubber room, throws away the key, and drinks himself into oblivion to prevent a repeat offense (trust me when I say he WILL be a repeat offender). But conservatives are never ashamed of their despicable behavior. Is it because that’s the only behavior they’re capable of? Reminds me of that asshole Jeffrey Wood from Chippewa Falls who was busted for forging prescriptions for narcotics. Seriously, can’t these despicable conservatives have the decency to rid themselves from the human gene pool? Clearly not Randy with his eager to please, enabling girlfriend Valerie C(r)ass. I wonder how long before she shits out his first disgusting bipedal abomination? Is she seriously that desperate for affection that she’s snuggling up to this pedophile lookin’ mother fucker? Sad… and disgusting. That bitch actually verbally attacked the man for tailing Randy and for calling the police to their location. Can your anger be any more misdirected or juvenile? Are you sure you’re 25 and not 5? How’s that for an enabling redneck girlfriend? Git ‘er done Wisconsin!!!

Now the dipshit conservative voters of this state will defend him, screaming about the memory of Peggy Lautenschalger. “But… but… but… she did it!!! She’s badder. Uh derpa derp!” You know what morons? She’s an asshole too. She’s not off the hook, but at least she doesn’t have a crispy crust of hypocrisy to go with her scandal. Family values my ass. Conservative assholes. Somehow I’m sure these dedicated GOP simpletons will try to pin this on that ineffectual Barack Obama, and that’s fine. When you’re dealing with the “But he/she did it first!” mentality (all teabaggers) that’s what you have to expect. Most of these redneck intellectual lightweights probably think DUI laws are idiotic anyway. Well assholes, why don’t you have a few road brews in solidarity with your friend Randy. Protest that shit! If you please, just remove your seat belt, hit the gas, and aim for a tree instead of some kid on his bicycle. Wastes of oxygen… all of you.

Peace,

Sturm

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The constipated gopher, a.k.a. Wisconsin's new CEO. How embarassing.

I only have a few minutes people. My girl is a bit upset that she’s gotta put the pizza in the oven while I’m bloggin’. I just got back from the square and I just gotta say to my fellow Wisconsinites real quick like that I am suffering from a strange sensation.  It’s kind of a tingle on my scalp and my spine. It’s a whirling in my head, not really dizzy but not really completely stable. Is it some sort of disease? Am I sick? It kind of feels like… like… hope? Is that what they call it? Yeah. I think that’s what it is. Being down on the capitol square has given me hope. People are pissed. There is peaceful dissent. Glen Beck can go suck the shriveled cock of Joseph Smith’s corpse if he thinks our cries, our pleas, our screams are socialism knocking on the door, ready to rape and pillage and steal his dreams of owning his own planet (fucking idiotic mor(m)ons). It’s humanity calling. It’s normal people fed up with this bullshit corporate fucking America. Even a number of ultra conservative rednecks are pissed at the gigglin’ gopher’s bullshit move. Tonight we raise our voices in angst and in hope. Those voices will only get louder as the days roll on.

I like how tonight WWR looked like he was going to cry. He was so mad. “You get back here! Wah, wah, waaaaah! You get back here and work! It’s not fair!” And then he sends the state patrol to Illinois to apprehend them. What an idiot. Clearly his lack of education is showing since he believes they a) have jurisdiction down there and b) the Illinois government and police will back WWR’s play. Fuck you Scottie! Nobody but corporate elitists, pseudo-intellects, and racist redneck tea baggers support you. I hope come recall time you’ll find your friends are few and far between. At this point I wouldn’t be shocked if gopher boy was re-elected. It’s the way it is. The conservatard movement is thrashing about, spitting caustic venom upon any who resist their agenda. Their ignorance seems unstoppable. And before any of you attempt to debate me and tell me I too am guilty of spitting venom, at least my venom doesn’t attack you for anything but your self-ascribed ignorance, something that should be poisoned to death. When I’m proven wrong, I admit it. When you’re proven wrong, it’s merely an attack on your freedom, your liberty, and your ego by a mean old liberal or progressive. You are a bunch of babbling fucking infants unable to rise above a newborn’s reasoning capability. Go shit your diapers elsewhere.

So I’m gonna go, but before I do, I just want to give a few quick nods to everyday people that are making these tiny seeds of revolution take root:

1) The students of Tomah, Wisconsin. Kids like you offer so much hope. Engage. Don’t back down. This is a far better education than sitting in a classroom, believe me.

2) The fire and policemen who are protesting in solidarity. I applauded you before (even though I’m angry at WWR for the immunity move) and I applaud you louder now. Even the state patrol knows their days are numbered. I thanked a few of those servicemen tonight and you should too.

3) The Dems for storming out of the senate. You are heroes. You are beginning the Walker, Wisconsin Ranger castration process. I hope his entire package is summarily removed.

4) All Wisconsinites for not being lazy. We need to keep this shit rolling and never be ignored.

One final note. As I drove back from visiting the head narcissist in my life (I’ll address soon) I passed a Fox 9 News van from Minneapolis, Minnesota. I flicked you off for a quarter mile. I saw you guys on the square and introduced myself as the one who flicked you off. You guys were awesome. You explained how you hate the FOX affiliation and how it consistently discredits you and your profession. I may be irrational at times, but I am a man of principle and so I offer you my sincerest fucking apologies. Keep up the coverage and fight the good fight.

Peace,

Sturm

Let me preface this entry by saying I am drukn. Despite the fact that I’ve been drunking, it dusn’t mayke my seeds of wisdom any less fucking astute. I can still tipe, wright? If you right me off for a moment of weakness, then fuck you. Your an asshole. My shrink said drinking is okay during my rode to recovery as long as I don’t slip back into “that dark place”. Disagree? Lick my ass.

So I just I escorted my fiancee and my best fiend… I mean friend back to my place after a night of hard drinking and put them to bed. Side note: Mickey’s sucks balls. My hot fiancee held out a fucking Andy Jackson for 15 minutes and didn’t get service. Don’t go to Mickey’s. Walk down Willy street one block and drink at Crystal Corners. They’ll serve you even if you pay in food stamps, I shit you not. Awesome staff. Booyah, bitches!

Robert Mariano as seen down at Copp’s in Sun Prairie, WI campaigning for Scott Walker.

So anyway. After I put my loved ones to bed and pet my awesome cats, I tried to sleep myself, but I couldn’t. Why? because as I was pissing my brains out (due to alcohol consumption and resulting increased production of ADH) I saw a picture of  “chairman Bob” on the garbage bag that collects my snotty tissues and my woman’s full tampons and got really fucking angry. “Who is chairman Bob?” you’re asking. If you don’t live in Wisconsin… I mean “Conservatard Land Since November 2”, his name is Robert Mariano and he’s the CEO of Roundy’s Supermarkets, Inc (which includes Flopp’s, Dick ‘n Slave, and Rainblow Foods to name a few), and he is a shit stain. Man, I hate this asshole. Every time I buy groceries at one of his shitty stores, I have to see his ugly smile and thumbs up approving of my purchase. It’s like watching a creepy Enzyte commercial. What a shitty ad campaign this “chairman Bob” bullshit is. Seriously. Morons.

Why does he approve of my purchases? Because he couldn’t give a fetid shit. He’s making money hand over fist. If I buy Kool Aid, guess who’s making money? Bob. If I buy an apple, guess who gets a kick back? Bobbie boy. If I buy a box ‘o cunt plugs (tampons), guess who hit the jackpot? That’s right, CEO (Conservative Egotistical Orifice) Bob. Bottom line is, no matter what I buy, I’m paying for his boat or his wife’s 50 karat wedding ring/cheek lift redo or his 13 year old daughter’s fourth abortion. Hey, Bob! Guess what? I don’t fucking care if you approve! I need fucking food! Lick my balls. Just because you have better produce than every store in Madison except Metcalf’s Sentry in Hilldale Mall, it doesn’t give you the right to smile at me and give me the thumb’s up you creepy jackass. What are you, a pedophile? Perhaps you are, but guess what else you are? You’re an asshole. Yes, Bob. Yes. Yes you are. Stop printing your ugly face on every bag you pack my groceries into. You, me, and everyone else knows you’re an asshole. You like to gargle ball sacks like… like… oh, like tea baggers. Yeah, that’s right. You’re a tea bagger Bob. You’re a fucking tea bagger, which means you can eat my shit. Thanks for voting for Walker/Johnson like a bonafide fucking shit tard so you could get a .03% tax break so you could save up for your daughter’s fifth abortion. Asshole. I hate tea baggers and I hate Robert “the jackass” Mariano. They’re all wasting precious oxygen.

Fuck I hate Bob. I’m not shopping at his shitty stores anymore. How can I fall asleep now when I’m so angry? Perhaps I’ll mix myself another G&T. Maybe I’ll call my shrink to help pacify my sudden homicidal rage. Sigh. Anyway, my cat is staring at me like I’m fucking crazy, so I’m going to line my toilet bowl with a Copp’s grocery bag with Bob’s face and take a massive, hemhorragic fucking shit on his face and then go back to bed. It’s the only sane thing to do in these conservatard times, right? Nighty-night bitches.

Peace,

Sturm