Royal engagement? More like royal pain in the ass. Sad thing is, Anne Hathaway has as much political clout as this pathetic family. She's far more digestible too.

Oi, pricks! I found me a niggle, blokes. A wee bit of megalomania-nurturing horse shit. Here’s a right quick run down of how this movie’s gonna go. Two spoiled rich bairns meet. He’s goofy and awkward and can’t get shagged. She realizes he’s loaded with dosh. They chat, they share tipple (her a pint, him an alcopop) at the battlecruiser, they boff (awkwardly mind you as the last teet he’s seen was Diana’s). There’s the obligatory “emotional crisis” in act III but they persevere. They do! Oh how they do and then they get married. Glory be! It’s happily ever after! Bloomin’ Lifetime. That company should be banned for all the heinously inadequate brain-melting gobshite they’ve put out since their inception.

I dunno bout you chaps (and I frankly don’t care), but I am so blooming knackered of hearing about the royal family, one of the most uninspiring, ostentatious, and embarrassing families in the whole of this world. Feck those arrogant, whiny gaggle of bitches. Lizzie and her arse-faced weasel child (or is he a weasel-faced arse?) and his shite-headed children are dreadful at best.

When I read the royal wedding announcement way back when, my first reaction was a disinterested shrug that morphed into vile disgust and eventually seething anger. Why does anyone care about the royal family and the banality of their existences? The idea of royalty is antiquated at best. They are an embarrassment, and the people of England and its extensions should feel this embarrassment down to their cores. Shame on all of you for supporting the joke that is the royal family which in turn makes every country under the “reign” of Lizzie a joke. The head sket of this family actually requested aid from the government to heat her ostentatious home. Can you bloody believe that tom tit? Haddaway and shite, you’re probably thinking. Sounds like bullocksae. I know, I nearly shit me whack when I read that. She wanted to take money from the impoverished. Unbelievable. How typical of royalty. Just like her tyrannical predecessors. “Take from the peasants!” I can hear that English slag in her shrill aristocratic accent. “If they resist, rape and pillage! Primae noctis! Take whatever else be mine whilst you’re at it, especially beautiful and delicious facking sterling!” Boff you England and all the sheep countries that follow you for letting her act this way.

Let me tell you something. This wedding thing is bland news from a group of elitist thugs who care for nothing beyond themselves. Let me tell you something else. This news is no more important than any other engaged couple. What about these two lovelies from bumble-fuck ‘merica? Where’s their lifetime movie? You’ve got cows and grassland and down home good ‘merican values ‘n such. What a great movie that would be. Maybe kinda like Bareback Mountain without all the mountains and gay sex ‘n shit. Where in the Sam hell is their good fortune? It seriously disgusts me that we have to endlessly hear about these royal douche bags until the over-priced (and citizen paid might I remind you), arrogant, extravagant, lurid and yet still amazingly vapid event occurs. Ugh. And then we’ll be reminded of their “love” at every one of their ennui-versaries and many more miserable days in between.

I know, I know. I can hear it already. The down trodden, brainless masses will come to their monarch’s aid. “Bugger off, Sturm. The royal family gives a lot back. Why shouldn’t we pay for the Queen’s heat and the Prince’s wedding?” Why not? Because the slag be worth nearly a billion dollars, that’s fucking why. And what exactly do they give back? If they dedicated their lives to getting dirty with dying people in Africa by actually working instead of yet another shameless fucking photo-op, I might be on board. But they don’t, so you can ride the Titanic without me, thank you very much.

“But Sturm, you arrogant, know-it-all, and ravishingly good-looking asshole who looks like he works out on a daily basis. The royal family brings tourists and their quid like yampy to our shores. They’re celebrities. They should be rewarded.” Hmmm. Emotionally coddling the living blinking ell out of your national joke isn’t reward enough? It’s not like they are the Grand Canyon or some magnificent equivalent. And they’re celebrities? Newsflash. They are regular English people except richer. Waaaaay richer. If they were English citizens that did something like discovering benzene, or writing a series of 7 childrens’ fantasy novels that sold more than the next 5 best selling authors, or created a fantasy world including two invented fucking languages, or created one of the greatest comedy shows set in the banal world of an office setting I might be inclined to agree with you on the celebrity status and their due rewards. But they didn’t. They don’t do a bloomin’ thing. These goofy shag stains just sit there in their pomp clothes with their stiff smiles. That’s it. Congratulations, England! You adopted an expensive family of retards. Bravo old chaps!

Eventually I plan to visit London, but I promise you I won’t be giving a pence to that ostentatious shit hole called Fuckingsham Malice that is a symbol of oppression that in some ways could very well near the level of the vatican. Oh, and if I see that stiff and dreadfully un-shagadelic trollop prancing around with her escort of bobbies in their tit helmets whilst I’m submerged amongst the countless other, more interesting examples of history, I sure as feck won’t bow to her. I might however offer a dainty wee curtsy. As for you barmy English sheep, me thinks the Scots should follow mister Longshanks’s advice and seize back their “first rights” from the English Aristocracy. “If we can’t get them out, we’ll breed them out.”

But hey, at least you Brits et al don’t have to deal with this asshole.

Cheers,

Sturm

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