So I was out and about the other afternoon. It was my first day off after my stretch of night shifts. I had gotten a nap of perhaps 3 and 1/2 hours and was feeling sufficiently sleep deprived so as to have a non-alcoholic buzz going on. It’s somewhat of a fun feeling sometimes. Anyone who has worked night shift can attest to this and knows exactly the feeling I’m talking about. I call my buddy up and we decide to run some errands and then drink some brandy

The visible affects of night shift, subsidized foods, and brandy 7's.

7’s. It was too windy for biking or frisbee gulf, so obviously drinking emerged the victor. I’m fucking hungry though at this time, so we decide to get lunch. I work at a shithole that whines about cutting back and fiscal shortages. I’m not even getting a COLA (cost of living adjustment) raise this year, so I gotta keep it to heavily subsidized foodstuffs. In other words, cheap food. The winner after not too much deliberation? McDonald’s. I know. I know. I can hear everyone screaming about what a hypocrite I am for being such a self-proclaimed idealist. You know what? You’re right. I’m not going to contend this astute fucking observation. I am a hypocrite. Sometimes the urge to consume my biannual Big Mac becomes too much. I feel fucking guilty about it because their beef alone is the worst of the worst. Their processing is reprehensible. Their marketing is atrocious. Trust me, I will berate myself in another entry but for now know that my guilt about that one small meal burns in my conscience like my ass after eating raw jalapeno peppers and rooster sauce. If there is Karma (which seems unlikely), I took a hit on points this day. Sorry, abused cattle.

So anyway, getting back on track. We were sitting there, having a fine time, talking shit or whatever it is thirty-somethings do. We’re the only ones in the place until this lady comes in and sits at the table right beside us. I’m thinking, “That’s weird. She’s got a whole restaurant to find a place to sit and she chooses a place right next to us.” It really irritated me. She didn’t necessarily invade my personal space, but something about her screamed crazy. About 15 minutes later, she stands right beside our table and drops a couple of pamphlets on the table entitled, the watchtower. “There it is,” I thought. Crazy, cooky, christian.

For those of you not familiar, the watchtower is a monthly magazine put out by jehovah’s

"You look tasty... err nice, will you be my friend? I'm not nearly as dangerous as jehovah's witlesses. I promise."

witlesses (not capitalized intentionally to emphasize insignificance) to spread the word of their imaginary friend in the sky. Not much of a friend, if you ask me, when he nit picks the living shit out of everything they do and punishes them severely for even the slightest transgression. Fools for fucking sure. I have a friend in god and his “son”? Shit. I’d rather be friends with Jeffrey Dahmer, to be quite honest. This jehovah fool is merely one more version of a petulant child. All gods are the same, but right now I’m addressing these pesky prothelytizers and their lack of imagination.

She asked if we were interested in reading her pamphlets. I said, “Absolutely not,” and tried to push her waste product off the table. “Get that shit away from me.” She caught them and snapped, “Show respect.”

Show respect? Show respect? Get bent, whore. You’re the one that needs a fucking lesson in respect. You’re the one messing up my lunch groove and you have the audacity to talk to me about showing respect? As she mumbled and rambled on, I told her to be quiet and get the fuck out of here. Again she stuttered something about respect.

“Go away,” I said again. “I’m trying to eat.” After a minute or so of fumbling and mumbling, she says “god bless you,” and moves on. At this point I ignored her until she waddled off on her oozing ankles, but I was thinking, “Fuck your imaginary friend’s blessing. I don’t need it.” For the next two minutes I had a Big Mac and Mello Yellow (capitalized intentionally to emphasize significance), which was blessing enough.

“Why do people have to do that?” my friend asked, referring to our new messenger of christ friend. Why? Because it is “jewels in their crown toward their heavenly ascension”. I am not exaggerating. This is exactly what these dolts believe. They believe that their attempts to convert and spread the word of god assures them a place in the sky when they die. The word of god? Actually, if you want to get technical, it’s the ramblings of some random asshole from centuries ago who wanted unlimited pussy so HE (it’s always a fucking man) claimed to know the word/will of god (not capitalized intentionally to emphasize insignificance).

Now I’m all about free speech, which is why I have a strict policy to antagonize, belittle and berate any  mother fucking proselytizer unfortunate enough to cross my path. It should be done. It must be done. And then they must be promptly ignored and ostracized. A tall order, I know. Free speech, however, does not assert them the right to disturb me without solicitation.

For example, I was walking through campus one fine afternoon and saw two shmucks. Let’s call the first one Closeted Gay Man Who Damns All Gay Men To hell and the other I Like 4

"I... AM... GOD!!! Or at least an imaginary, digital equivalent created by Blizzard Entertainment. Same thing, right?"

Year Old Penises Shhh! Don’t Tell god. They were calling out their praises for the magic man on the clouds, a level 82 elite soon to be level 87 elite mage who can cast fireballs and for some reason also diseases, insects, lightning, and any other terrible thing the feeble human mind can imagine. Oooooh, scary. As I walked by, Closeted Gay asked me if I wanted to hear the word of god. “Absolutely not,” I replied along with a chuckle much to the delight of my companions. 4 Year Old Penises boy across the street was rambling on about the word of god, reading his little playbook. I stopped and antagonized him about the frailty of his beliefs. I made fun of his little book of fairy tales and his voodoo magic man friend in the sky. Pathetic turd. My point is this: both of these cretins were exercising their free speech rights, but at the same time they were soliciting for responses as they were performing in public. I gave it to them, however ill-advised, and then swiftly walked away. “It’s the word of god!” he called after me. “Yeah. Sure it is!” I called back. “If it makes you feel better about your existence, you just keep telling yourself that.” When I was sitting in McDonald’s, on the other hand, I did NOT solicit that cunt’s stupid opinion. Her free speech rights ended when she walked in the door. Private property mother fucker. Leave me and every other rational being alone.

In the end, the answer with these pedophile-supporting hypocrites is actually to ignore them. It really is. If we offered them absolutely no response, ignoring them wherever they slithered and spread their seeds of hate, they would have no choice but to disappear. It’s so hard to do though. I can’t resist myself. You see a cockroach and your first instinct is to step on it to hear that satisfying crunch. But where there’s one cockroach…

This is where we should take our increasing proselytizing population for treatment.

I see these vile walking masses of human waste and I want to spit on them. I want to punch them. I want to round them up and gas them. Not because they are exercising their free speech, but because their message, which is sadly protected by the free speech amendment, is so profoundly ignorant and destructive. It’s hateful and knocks humanity back centuries. These shittards are on the same level as neo-nazis, klan members, and tea baggers. All of these creatures of shadow offer nothing to and yet take everything from society. As free thinkers and humanitarians it should be our solemn vow to take them out through our nudging them out of the conversation. Ignore them. Isolate them. Corral them into a corner. Leave them to sow hatred into their tiny isolated fields where they and only they will reap the poisonous harvest. Hopefully it will kill them. All of them. Humanity could not be any more fortunate.

Proselytizers of all denominations scream: “Persecution! We’re being persecuted!” What about you? You’re persecuting every one of us. Homosexuals are forbidden their rights to

You think you're being persecuted? No. THIS is a victim of persecution... persecution BY the religious. Assholes.

happiness because of your sham beliefs. Heterosexuals that fuck out-of-wedlock are damned to the make-believe land of burning blazes and gnashing teeth. The children you attempt to indoctrinate into your false ways and cruel beliefs are tortured and abused by promises of punishment from the petulant and pestilent kid above. Lies, deceit, cruelty, maliciousness, hatred, intolerance, and suffering. These are the real messages of the proselytizer. They are abominations, mutations of humanity, side effects of its potential genius. So when they say they are being persecuted, I say “Why yes. Yes you are, but not nearly viciously enough.” I wish we could persecute you worthless drains on society into non-existence. You need to disappear if the rest of us are to stand a chance. You do nothing, literally nothing for the positive advancement of our civilization. Go and help some impoverished people. Don’t bother people eating lunch or watching television. Get up off your ass and do something worthwhile. All you’re doing by proselytizing is trying to strengthen your tyrannical institution, an institution that has desires of the fall of civilization within its heart.

As much as I want these shit stains on the underwear that is humanity (and religion as a whole) to disappear, sadly I don’t think it is possible. Humanity is almost a disease unto itself. The side effect of the potential of the human mind is obsessive compulsive disorder. Religion is an obsessive compulsive disorder and nothing more. Because we can’t explain the universe, our existence, or even why anything exists at all, the human mind panics and scrambles for explanations. That explanation is god. That explanation is religion. That explanation is wrong. How do I know? Because humans created it and they created it without evidence. Faith is not proof. In fact, faith clouds proof. It prevents us from searching for and eventually finding it. It limits us in unimaginably destructive ways. The absence of religion in cat and dog populations is proof enough that they are smarter.

It saddens me that the grim reality is that we can advance only so far before the mental illness of religion ( and any thought processes that limit expansion) holds us back. It is the price we pay for being the species (we are merely another animal species) with the most advanced brain. Disease research, social advancement, hell, common fucking sense and decency are all sabotaged by religion. Just look at the stem cell debate that rages every single day. It has been this way since the beginning. What good has this institution done throughout history? All doctrines have been made with the selfish intent of strengthening the institution and weakening the minds of the masses to control them with fear. I dare you to name one legitimately positive thing that wouldn’t have come without religion’s influence. You can’t. I’d bet my life’s wages on that. Some will go to the false argument that science has done harm. Of course it has, inspector dipshit. That’s not even worth bringing up. Science and religion are not equals. It’s comparing apples and oranges. Some will bring up the politics argument and how it has caused harm. To them I say, you’re right. But it is a human institution that is created to control the masses, just like religion, and in today’s climate, fucking assholes like you won’t be happy until the institution of religion and politics are completely fused. What a scary day that will be, when it will be legal to: murder homosexuals and fuck young children and slay those who don’t believe your lies and abuse children by indoctrinating them into your falsehoods and strap a bomb to your chest to blow up a clinic or two tall buildings. Fuck you and fuck your religion.

So when will it end? So when will we be free? The answer: when the end times come, when humanity’s numbers are extinguished. We are a plague, a parasite, an invasive species upon the planet, driven by some ridiculous desire to feel immortal, to find meaning in our existence, to reproduce uncontrollably (beyond every other species on the planet). We spread these desires to our children who in turn pass it on down the line. The result? War, suffering, injustices, intolerance, bigotry. The list goes on and on and fucking on.

There are some who will claim to be quiet and dignified in their faiths, praying quietly in their corners, speaking only when called upon to share the testaments of said faith. To them I say, “Fuck you coward!” Shame on you for sitting quietly while leaders of your

"Haiti earthquakes are punishment for an alliance with Satan! Katrina is the fault of the queers! I'm Pat Robertson and I approve this message! I'm smiling, so I must be friendly, right?"

faiths like the intolerant Pat Robertson, the bigoted Ali al-Sistani (and any other pathetic “grand” ayatollah), the Hitler hopeful Joseph Ratzinger (the dope… I mean pope), and any other leader of the cannibalistic sheep of the religious world spout off their hateful thoughts and empty but all too powerful rhetoric. You are part of the problem. You are one of those sheep. Others yet will say, “What about my denomination? We don’t teach homophobia or other hateful beliefs.” Let me tell you something. I grew up methodist. I was a preacher’s kid. If you gotta have the mental illness of religion, methodism is the one to have. The denomination was inoffensive in its teachings, I’ll agree. The bureaucratic inner workings are another story and will be addressed in the future. But on the outside it’s “harmless”. In truth, it’s the religious equivalent of a benign brain tumor. Sure, it’s harmless in and of itself, but it crowds out healthy tissue threatening life with its mere presence. It grows and passively consumes the brain. Benign. Malignant. It doesn’t matter. Religion, ALL FUCKING RELIGION, is cancerous, eating away at rationalism and hope for humanity. It pushes out logic, leaving room for nothing but ignorance, hatred, and ultimately despair.

I wish I believed in prayer. I don’t because I believe four billion hands clasped in prayer are less effective than a mere two at work. It has been proven. I’m still alive right? Surely religious dolts have prayed for the death of non-believers. They’ll say, “In due time it will come. You will be judged.” Ooooh, scary. So I don’t believe in prayer, but if I did believe in it, I would pray for the end times. But this “judgement” wouldn’t be passed down by some weak and insignificant god of the religious scriptures, it’d be delivered by nature through a plague, an asteroid, an ice age, or some other magnificent cleansing force like zombies.

An asteroid. It's way more powerful than "god". How you ask? Because it's fucking REAL.

Nature is the only real “god” and the only idea worth “worshipping”. You shall have no other gods before it.  It doesn’t matter if you believe me or not. You can continue on with your pathetic faiths in jehovah, allah, or whatever name you choose for the voodoo man in the clouds, but in the end you’re wrong. You’re dead wrong. You’re weak. You’re hopefully in time insignificant. Your faith doesn’t mean shit in the face of nature. Nature alone is judge, jury, and executioner of our fates. Every fucking one of us, those pesky proselytizers included. And for that I must thank feeble jehovah and his feebler witlesses that carry pamphlets.