“What’s that? Shit no! Science is fer faggots, college boy!”

As you well should realize by now, I am a man of science. I love ceaselessly reading about black holes, pulsars and quasars, the formation of our solar system from tiny bits of stardust, extra solar planetary systems, distant galaxies, any scientific theories pertaining to interstellar travel… you know, pretty much anything that would make a member of the tea tardy’s tiny brain sting with horrible pain. I’ll admit right now that when Mister Stephen Hawking dies, we will lose one of the greatest minds that humanity certainly has ever had and probably will ever have for many generations to come. I may very well weep that day. Science is just so fascinating. Every bit I can absorb I do. For example, check this brief bit out (feel free to mute annoying music and please ignore the Youtube publisher’s poor grammar):

 

 

“Welcome to crystallized di-hydrogen oxide land, my son. No chicks allowed here! Watch out for the velociraptors in the spectrum of light garden.”

Now friends, isn’t that vastly more interesting than those pesky creationist retards that think “it was all just there because god willed it into existence”? I think so, and no it wasn’t all just there, dipshits. Not even close. What’s even more amazing is that the birth of the moon single handedly triggered the creation of life on this planet. The crash created an axial tilt giving us seasons. The resulting moon allowed the formation of weather which allowed seas to form and when it orbited closer to us it created tides beyond fucking imagination in a super ocean that traveled hundreds of miles inland twice a day. These tides were too violent to allow life to form in the waves but they gathered billions of tons of resources. Eventually the moon’s orbit moved further out, it’s gravitational affects on earth’s oceans weakened and it finally allowed the seas to calm and the basic building blocks of life, amino acids, to form from all the minerals washed into it for millions upon millions of years. After this, and numerous other extinction events, we are all here living five billion separate lives. Yeah, fuck you creationists. We’re here because of aeons upon aeons of luck and unimaginable disasters, not because of an imaginary misogynist in the sky (psst, the sky, or god’s home as you call it, was created by the moon… a giant rock. Remember that, morons).

So where am I going with my mega nerdgasm? Well, I work as a nurse. Some say it’s a scientific job, and technically they’re right, but it’s lame science. It’s boring as shit studying the organs and knowing how they all work together to create systemic harmony. I just don’t give a shit. And to be honest, nurses don’t really use any of that knowledge anyway, because they just do as they’re told. I’m not saying it’s easy work, no fucking way. It’s the hardest work I’ve ever done, period. And trust me, no matter my thoughts on nursing, I’m really fucking good at it. But medical science is boring. It’s useless. It’s a waste of fucking time and money… all of it. Helping humans survive makes me feel ashamed and dirty. I’d rather help animals and plants as they actually deserve our help. So while I’m working my boring and useless job, betraying this planet by helping unworthy humans, I follow scientific research. The other day this led me to obsess about the greatest moments of earth’s history: mass extinction events, specifically the glorious, wonderful, cleansing, and ultimately unavoidable human extinction event that is barreling our way. I spent much time between duties that day wondering 1) how it will arrive, 2) when it will arrive, and 3) what new species will be born millions of years post event when evolution has been reset? The Morlocks, perhaps? Giant land dwelling crustaceans? Man, H.G. Wells was decades ahead of everyone else when he wrote The Fucking Time Machine.

Anyway, without further ado, here are a few of my favorite scenarios I thought about that day regarding the next mass extinction that will visit this lonely planet on the fringes of the Milky Way Galaxy.

Death by global ice age!

Snowball earth. The only place colder is Scott Fitzgerald’s heart.

600 million years ago it happened. Global temperatures plummeted due to a 6% weaker sun than our present day sun combined with the erosion of rock and subsequent CO2 trapping… blah, blah, blah, I know sounds boring, but what’s fucking awesome is that this caused mega glaciers to advance from the poles. You see, the more sea water that became frozen, the more energy from the sun was reflected back into space (sea ice reflects 80% of sunlight while open sea reflects only 10%). This led to a chain reaction of freezing until only an equatorial strip of slushy sea water remained.  Notice how we have the reverse going on presently? Smart people like those that have read this far do, but not idiot fucking Republicans, teabaggers, or creationists. Now whether ancient earth escaped this deep freeze  via massive volcanic eruptions from beneath the ice, or remaining equatorial photosynthesis with green house gas (CO2) production, or both remains to be discovered. But who cares? It’s still fucking fascinating. To see those glaciers in their full glory would have been something fucking else. I wish I could go back in time and kayak at the edge of the equatorial ice. And then the mere fact that the surviving single celled organisms began to engage in the single largest explosion in evolution is an incredible story in itself. Way better than “and on the fifth day god commanded the sea to teem with living creatures.” Ugh, talk about boring. But what do you expect from fucking idiot bible clingers?

Death by super volcanoes!

One month after Scott Walker’s victory in the June 5th recall, Wisconsin is at long last reborn in the fires of Republican policy making.

Fast forward about 300 million years from an ice world and you have one surging with fire. Super volcanoes. I’m not talking about one lonely one like the the baby super volcano located in Yellowstone National Park. I mean a monstrous accumulation of many hundreds where magma builds up over millions of years and then like a sebaceous cyst it bursts open spewing magma a mile thick over an area of land the size of the United States. It happened in the Siberian Traps of northern Pangea 250 million years ago to begin the Permian extinction event. Volcanic gases increased earth’s temperature which killed some 70% of all species. In turn the temperature of the seas rose only a few degrees causing a mass eruption of trapped methane gas which is a 25 times more potent green house gas than CO2. As a result, earth warmed another ten degrees bringing the kill total to 95% of all species. Fucking sweet! Another reset for evolution. Without this shift in evolution, teabaggers, Republicans, and creationists would not be here to wreak havoc on this amazing planet and its inhabitants. So thank a cynodont, the premier survivor of the Permian extinction event, for allowing you assholes to even be born! Of course these poor little guys would be ashamed of your lack of development.

Death by asteroid strike!

A global killer asteroid. Still far easier to deal with than a Republican controlled legislature.

65 million years ago one of these great space messengers led to a mass extinction of the reptilian masters of this planet, allowing the mammals their chance to take charge. It was another beautiful display of evolutionary divergence, but I’m sorry, this one’s kinda boring really. It’s too commonly discussed to be exciting anymore especially since that horrible film Armageddon where a bunch of redneck shit bags get called up for a super secret space mission and we see Gigli cry like a fucking baby. And we can’t forget about that equally shitty film Deep Impact about a thirteen year old girl who falls in love with a hobbit (fucking gross) and they decide to run away from the greatest hang ten opportunity of their miserable fucking lifetimes. Oh and there was a black president in that film too… yeah right! Fuck asteroids. Although still pretty awesome, one big enough to cause complete annihilation of the human species will also kill every living thing on this planet and somehow the parasitic human race will find its way through the smaller ones.

Death by super plague!

“Rahhm-neee. RAHHHHHHM-NEEEEEEE!!!”

Zombies, and vampires, and diarrhea oh my! If there’s a story about a plague, chances are I’ll fucking love it, especially zombies. Living in a world ruled by brain dead, shambling, gluttonous creatures is already painful. We’re living proof here in Wisconsin. The problem is you can’t just shoot Republicans, their teabagger leeches, or creationists in the head. It would be prudent, I know, but you just can’t do it. Put the guns down, friends, and just cling to hope for a real zombie virus plague. But honestly, as cool as wandering in an apocalyptic world full of zombies to shoot would be, it’s just not practical. I’m a man of science, and the chance of our dead bodies coming to life because of an organic virus is really quite lame when you think about it. It’s fun to imagine, but what we need is a real human destroying plague. E-bola’s an interesting one as it causes swift death in a matter of days. In reality though, it’s a little too efficient because it turns peoples’ insides into liquid shit before it has a chance to spread. Add in the instability of it in a laboratory setting (attempts to weaponize) and it becomes completely impractical as an agent of mass extinction. I suppose the closest thing we have to a super plague is HIV/AIDS. It really is quite a perfect virus in that it is spread during our attempts to reproduce (or simply during fuck ‘n suck pleasuring) and it mutates deliciously… but it’s not really swift enough, especially with the discoveries of new anti-viral agents that extend its victims lives. So the chances of a disease ridding our planet of pesky humans is essentially nil.

Death by the singularity moment!

“I am a Cyberdyne systems model 101, T-800. It is statistically unlikely that you will defeat me at bridge.”

It’s a bit difficult to explain, but essentially the technological singularity is when artificial intelligence advances beyond the capabilities of human intelligence. When this point is reached, all future events cannot be predicted as technology will surpass what the combined ability of every human mind on the planet combined is capable of. Too bad we have a rising tea tard population averaged in. That’s gonna cost us. We’ve seen this type of occurance presented many times in such films as I Robot, A.I., The Terminator…. speaking of terminators. If you’re going to make an assassination cyborg, wouldn’t you think it makes more sense to make them look like decrepit old ladies with walkers? I mean, think about it, if one fell while trying to cross the street and you ran to help her, before you knew it, BLAM! You’re fucking dead bitch! Mission accomplished! I actually don’t think a technological singularity moment will arrive in the form of cybernetic super robots, it’s gonna be much, much smaller. It’ll be on the nanotechnology level. Right now scientists are working on miniscule robots that will attempt to cure diseases when injected into our bodies. Talk about a trojan fucking horse. Imagine what these fuckers can do if and when we lose control of them. By utilizing the iron in our blood stream, they could replicate and spread like organic diseases from host to host. Hell, they may actually be able to reanimate our dead corpses one day by reactivating our neural tissue. Fucked up… and awesome!

Death by the sun’s death!

At long last, with the last remnants of human civilization wiped from existence, Earth can enjoy a bit of well earned respite.

Here’s the ultimate killer, the one to rule all other mass extinctions. The beautiful part is that it will happen, it’s just a matter of time. You see, when the aging sun ultimately increases in size by even a miniscule amount and begins to burn hotter it will cook our planet. In time it will grow and eventually consume the inner planets thus sealing our fate, and the fates of all organic life. It’s the penultimate fate of our solar system and every star system before and hereafter. I seriously wonder how many planets that shimmering beauty VY Canis Majoris consumed. were there humanoid civilizations there? We’ll never know. It’s an amazing thought that everything we see will be cooked from existence at some point in the future. Unless we are a space faring race (which we won’t be because conservatives are too concerned with attacking women and sand niggars), every trace of our civilizations will disappear forever. Know what would be awesome? If we had a time portal to send rapists, pederasts, the Koch brothers and conservatives to their deaths in this crispy world. We could send them to planet earth 4 and a half billion years in the future when the sun is so enormous it consumes the entire day time sky. Of course since they’d be burned immediately we’d need to give Republicans time to ponder their existences and maybe feel bad about the destruction they delivered to countless innocent lives with their policies. Maybe we’d protect them with a shield so they could see the scorched future earth and then lower it slowly to make their execution slow and painful. How great would that be?

Well that’s about it. Unfortunately all of these seem rather unlikely. Super volcanoes like those in ancient Siberia only erupt once every half a billion years. Most asteroids wouldn’t have the power to wipe out 95% of life on earth. A second ice age? Doubtful. Not for many millions of years. That’s when I got angry. Fuck that, humans are idiots and they deserve to suffer horribly for the shit they’ve done. That’s when it hit me. Duh, it’s so simple. We are the next mass extinction event. Humans. The very creatures evolved from nature’s ancient network are delivering their own extinction. We’re pissing in our lakes and rivers. We’re consuming every last bit of available natural resources. We’re fighting wars over dwindling resources. Our oceans are trapping our garbage and its temperature is rising. If we increase the ocean temperatures by just a few more degrees, the methane reserves in the world’s oceans will begin to release, igniting a major chain reaction of global warming that may compete with the Permian extinction event. I wonder what species will survive this ultimate human holocaust? Roaches, dragon flies, and annelids? What strange creatures will be wandering this earth fifty-five million years from now? It is the single most fascinating question, one that I’ll sadly never know the answer to. As my mind continues to wander, my phone rings, pulling me from my fantasy. It’s another dipshit wanting a refill on pain medications. That’s right, I forgot that I’m a lowly nurse. Wait, I’m a nurse! Fucking sweet! That means every single day I am helping humans to survive and thrive. That means that I, single handedly, am helping to speed us along to the next mass extinction event. Since we clearly can’t get along and treat this amazing planet with the respect it deserves, I say fuck it. Let’s crank up the temperature. Let’s finish this job and let a meeker, more deserving species rise from the ashes and lead the next evolutionary branch. It’s this one simple thought, friends, that makes me smile mighty brightly. It suddenly makes me like my job just a little bit. Keep the fucking calls coming, people. It’s time for nature’s ultimate victory.

Peace,

Sturm

 

“Damn. That Sturm guy is one villainous mastermind. Better stay away from him.”

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