“Hiiiiii!!! Derrrrrrrrp!”

Silence may be golden and it may be a fence around wisdom. It may even be one of the great arts of conversation, but let’s get something straight right out of the gate. My silence as of late must not be mistaken for either complacency or fucking acceptance. It is neither. Laziness? Perhaps the teeny tiniest bit. Or maybe it’s more like wicked apathy. You see, when you’re surrounded by a deluge of the dim powered by the army of the retard right here in Wisconsin, resistance seems rather hopeless and more so it seems so fucking futile.

“I’ll do what? I like birdies and fishies and dolphins. I won’t kill them. You lie! Mommy says I’m sensitive and special and can do anything I want! I love aminals!”

As anyone with a brain (this of course excludes teabaggers) knows June 5th approaches fast, and with it ventures forth the inevitability of defeat. The defeat to which I refer isn’t of the Democrats. No, that’s perhaps a tiny part of it as along with Progressives, they truly are the only political body that offers even a twinge of hope for the advancement of civilization, but truth be told, they welcomed the fast approaching crushing, blistering defeat. They asked for it. In fact, I’m not entirely convinced that they didn’t plan on it. Trust me, I saw Jon Erpenbach’s face during my days blasting the capitol with my bullhorn. He wasn’t annoyed. He was afraid… of me. Well, maybe not me exactly, but that which I represent. Distaste, anger, and disgust at this marching corporate agenda of which he clearly is an important part. Behind closed doors, who knows what kind of bedfellow he is with the Fitzies. No, I’m not worried about their defeat. My Hyde welcomes it. They’re clearly an integral part of the problem what with their consistently spineless and cowardly approach to politics. I mean have you heard of this Obama character? Get this. He let the oil companies drain acrid piss into our delicate ecosystems and continues to encourage it to this day… free of charge. Have at it boys!

No. The defeat to which I refer is the defeat of reason of logic of sanity of hope. Hey. Just because one high ranking, ineffectual asshole sullied that word, doesn’t mean I can’t still use it. And don’t give me that hero to the homosexual community bullshit. He doesn’t give a rancid democratic shit about the gays. It’s bullshit posturing. It’s a grand and righteous posture to be sure, but the jury’s going to be deliberating a long fucking time before the final verdict on Obama’s stance is read. And the rights… the fucking RIGHTS… of our gay neighbors will neither be realized in his second lame duck term nor for a painfully long time thereafter. You heard it here.

Wisconsin is a red state folks. Walker has succeeded in his pledge to Beloit billionaire sycophant Diane Hendricks (who paid NO income tax 2005-2008) in a “divide and conquer” strategy to end all strategies. Sidenote: What in the name of Christ’s holy shit is a billionaire doing living in a town named after the sound of  tiny turds hitting toilet water? Whatever…

“Once this state succumbs to the power of red, I’ll buy it all up for the bargain price of $14.95… give or take fourteen ninety. Strip women’s rights! Arm the dim! Repeal environmental protections! Nature’s laws don’t apply to me. I am Hurricane Hendricks! I… am… FURRY! I mean fury. Yeah, FURY!!!.”

Our redness emerged in November of 2010. It inflamed like an angry pulsating hemorrhoid in April 2011 with the reelection of  Sir Ignatius Imp of Appleton, one Davie Prosser. It swelled to an itchy burn in the summer of 2011 with the failed senate switch (and remember, that terrible creature Randy “the bed” Hopper barely lost and celebrated with a DUI). And it will explode with sticky, congealed blood all over Wisconsin’s masses upon the failed attempt at Walker’s recall in less than three weeks. Checkmate, assholes. They win.

Show them what they’ll win, Scotty!

“Well Wisconsin conservatives, how about your very own castle… doctrine. That’s right! With that new concealed carry weapon, I bet you single issue voting, neighborhood watch Christian soldiers are just aching to shoot yourself a threatening negro with Skittles, or better yet a bleeding heart liberal! All you gotta do is drop a trail of quarters leading right into your house and BLAM! Flawless victory. But that’s not all! How about four more terms of de-funded education and pay to play politics? Think your kids are getting too smart? Well worry not. Because under Scotty I and II’s reign, a strong education system will be a libturd dream of the past. Still think that’s it? Wrong! With the re-election of me, Supreme Chancellor Walker, you’ll also receive a stronger corporate representation in government. They’re people too, my friends! Ah doi!”

That certainly is a lot, but surely that can’t be it, can it, Scotty?

“Kill it! Shoot that sum bitch in the face! Recall this you God damned pecker faced mother fucker! God bless Walker!”

“Of course not, Sturm. Need something to add value to those rapidly deflating homes of yours, Wisconsin? Under conservative rule you’ll be allowed to kill any creature you desire and add it to your brand new… Trophy room! Tired of pigeons? BOOM! Stuff it! Hate those ugly cranes? BLAM! Mount it! Tired of wolves being all… wolfy? KA-BLOOEY! Pose it ferociously even though you trapped it and poisoned it! None of your friends will know you’re a coward. Creatures of all sizes will be at your mercy. Masturbate furiously at your magnificence! God is great! God is good! Oh, my God! So… fucking… good… Speaking of God, you’ll also win a chance to teach the next generation that everything we see is six thousand years old! As if that isn’t enough, you’ll also…”

Actually, Scotty. It’s quite enough.

So there you have it, folks. Those are the prizes. Republicans desire nothing more than to strip your civil rights. They desire nothing more than to defund education. They desire nothing more than to shit on a woman’s ability to manage her own health care. They desire nothing more than to find the next country to invade. They desire nothing more than to sow the ignorance of religion deeper into the bylaws of American politics. All in the name of fiscal conservatism.

So how did they do this? How did they win? Well, by pandering to the ignorant and the racist and the misogynistic (90% of Republie/cons fit this bill). It doesn’t take much to distract the dim. Lies to conservatives are like candy to a toddler. They are irresistible. Every single person that votes Republie/con believes that these assholes are “fiscal conservatives”, which of course is despite the fact that EVERY Republie/con since Nixon has engaged in endless war. Every single morand that votes Republie/con also believes the steaming shit heap that sputters on about how they are fighting for smaller government despite monitoring and regulating the living fucking shit out of every aspect of our lives. These of course are the same idiots that worship Ronnie Reagan. Their hero expanded the government, but would they take note of this? Of course not. That might require them to read. “What should I read ‘fer,” they’d shriek.

Oh, speaking of voting like a fucking asshole. Whoever, and by that I mean every single shit stain on the underwear that is humanity that votes for Scott Walker on June 5th is a Republie/con. This cannot be disputed. I’ve heard some idiots say it’s because they “don’t believe in the recalls.” “It’s my own protest vote.” Bullshit. That’s a smokescreen folks. They’re just too ashamed to admit that they’re either racist, bigoted, misogynistic, ignorant, rich, or all of the above. In other words, admitting that they’re Republie/con and they “stand with Walker.” My idiot fucking step father is one of these abominations. Oh well, that’s one less waste of space that I have to interact with. So whatever you do, don’t buy into the bullshit of assholes like him. Cut them out of your lives. Excise the tumors before they metastasize.

So in short, I’m throwing down. I’m calling the elections that truly matter before they happen. Scotty Walker will… WIN! Scotty Fitzgerald will… WIN! Wisconsin will… lose. Big time. But hey, we asked for it. When the wicked, the insane, the inane, the despicable and the straight up retarded join forces, there is little hope for a brighter future. I’m not going to tell you to vote. I’m not going to tell you not to vote. I’m not even going to tell you to hold out hope. I really don’t give a rancid shit what you do anymore, Wisconsin. Do whatever the fuck you need to do to get through this dark era we have entered. Me? I’m just going to bide my remaining time in this shit hole of a state and raise a glass to better times… somewhere else.



“Awww, c’mon, Pee Paw. It’s just not fair. I can’t ask for another favor yet. No, please don’t take my sleek black SUV back.  It makes the redneck MILFs in my district wet. Shucks, fine I’ll talk to him about it. Tell mee maw to call me later. I’m super scared and lonely right now.”