Welcome to Clyman, WI where retards give conservative sociopaths like Fitzie here free reign to fuck shit up bad. Where women earn 30% less than their male overlords. Where a DUI is a badge of honor. Where real men instruct their wives with the backs of their hands. This poor girl doesn’t stand a chance. God bless ‘Merica!

So I was most fortunate and was able to evac from this shit state immediately after the crushing defeat by the conservatives here in Wisconsin on June 5th. It really couldn’t have been more perfect timing. Now I seriously could have gone to Robert Falcon Scott’s hut in Antarctica’s winter darkness and would have had a better time than watching a bunch of fucking retards gloat and celebrate Walker, Fitzgerald, et al’s simultaneous defeat of reason, logic, sanity, nature, and humanity. But instead of a vacation of sensory deprivation, I chose the opposite. I went to NYC. Now I’ve heard a lot of people talk about NYC being the greatest city on earth which seems like quite a ridiculous claim, but having been there before and spending more time there this past week, I believe I understand where the sentiment of this claim is coming from. Is it really the greatest city on earth? Probably not, but I haven’t been to every or even 1% of the cities on the planet, so I can’t back up that claim. I can tell you that it is better than Chicago, Belfast, Minneapolis/Saint Paul, DFW, Denver, Milwaukee, St. Louis, Atlanta, Miami, Las Vegas, and Madison to name a few. It’s not even a fucking contest. So if it beats these cities, then it’s a no-brainer that it fucking crushes every rinky dink Podunk redneck town in the entirety of the United States, especially those in Wississippi. To be fair, the jury’s still deliberating on San Francisco, Dublin, and Rome.

Look at all these arrogant New York City assholes. Every one of them is a jerk, especially the woman near center in the green top and red skirt. She’s a god damned mega bitch.

Now on the opposite side there are a lot of people who shred the city of New York every chance they get. It’s like some burning passion. I don’t get it. If they were talking about a town full of a bunch of conservative pseudo-human retards like say Menomonie, WI then I’d say, yeah, you’re spot on. Hate away. But they’re not, they’re talking about a city spread across five distinct boroughs that houses over 8.2 million fucking people. I just don’t get the hate. It’s annoying and it’s ridiculous. “It’s a nice place to visit,” they’ll say, “but I wouldn’t want to live there!” I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard this. Really? Well nobody asked and nobody gives a shit where you want to live, fuckstick. You’re sitting at the same restaruant/bar in a shitty Wisconsin town night after night. Your sensibilities are clearly more fucked than a Cambodian whore. “Well, it’s just that New York is full of assholes,” they’ll counter. “They’re all so mean!” Really? You’ve met all 8.2 million people and they’re all assholes? How? Politically? Socially? How specifically are they assholes? Now if you met say, a paltry 40 percent of the population (that’s 3,297,964 people) and you interviewed them and they proved themselves to be assholes, then I’d say you’re on to something. But you haven’t fuck muffin. You haven’t even met a dozen people. You can’t say shit about that city. “Well you can’t raise a kid there.” Now you’re not even trying. Fucking amateur. Listen, if you like living in your culturally stagnant shit hole of a town like Beaver Dam, Wisconsin, then have at it. But don’t try to explain it away with some childish arguments lest you risk sounding like a teabagger and the last thing you want is to sound like a god-damned teabagger.

So fuck these people. Let me tell you what I loved about ONE OF the greatest cities on the planet.

24/7 activity- From the moment you step off the plane in shitty, but convenient Laguardia (seriously, avoid JFK at all costs) you’re bombarded with hustle and bustle. It’s fucking fantastic. It’s like Vegas except without the toothless meth addicts pushing a single button until the computer determines they’ve been at it long enough. Actually, I take that back. It’s nothing like Vegas. Fuck Las Vegas. I’d rather stab my sack repeatedly with a spork than go back there. What I’m saying is, no matter what time of day it is, there is always something going on and something for you to do. We stayed with a friend in Astoria not far from the N train. Walk a block to Ditmar’s and you’ve got everything you need. If you didn’t want to, you’d never have to leave his neighborhood. Want to know the sad part? Even with all the density and intensity of his neighborhood, it is still quieter than my Madison neighborhood. How the fuck is that even possible? I slept like a baby there while here I constantly wake up. Maybe it’s the sound of ignorance creeping in from rural Wisconsin that’s waking me up. Who knows? All I know is that in New York it was so easy to stay active that before I knew it, it was 3 a.m. It’s way too easy to lose track of time. And the sheer amount of social intricacies above and below ground is staggering. I could people watch for years there.

“Aiight, ladies! Form an orderly queue. The douche express leaves in five!”

Endless variety- I guarantee you could live in NYC your entire life and never experience everything it has to offer. From the Greek district of Astoria you can take the N train and be in Manhattan in 30 minutes. If you walk through Greenwich Village suddenly you can be in the more seedy surrounding streets. Catch a train every 15-20 minutes and you can warp to another world. The next time I go there, I’m going to journey through the city for 24 consecutive hours and keep a journal. The variety of the shit I will see will be insane. Now I’m not a sports fan, but being in NYC made me wish I was. They have two of each, those lucky fuckers. I did take in a Yankee’s game while there. The most enjoyable part of that was watching this fan in front of me laugh at Alex Rodriquez every time he struck out. Man, what a fucking waste of money A-Rod is. And is there a more douchey looking player in the league than Derek Jeter? I don’t think so. Oh I’m just foolin’ about. I bet Jeter’s actually a very nice douche bag.

If my $3.50 was the only amount needed to keep Menomonie, WI from utter financial ruin, mass chaos and utter destruction, I’d sooner spend it on this grand invention at a food cart in NYC.

Food- The fucking food, oh my christ, the fucking food. It was glorious. I thought about taking up the life of the binger/purger just to be able to sample everything I wanted to. Maybe it’s cliche, but the one thing I wanted more than anything while in NYC was a big-ass deli sandwich and man I found that at Sal, Kris, and Charlie’s Deli. Those fuckers know how to make a sammy. Enormous doesn’t begin to describe it. So many toppings to choose from. So delicious. All for a piddly seven fucking dollars. In New York! (Actually it’s a myth. NY isn’t that expensive for food. It’s really no worse than shit-tastic Madison. I’ve heard it said that if you eat at restaurants on the streets versus the avenues, you’ll get far greater value). I’m telling you, this sandwich was so delicious I went back the next day and was so excited to eat another giant vehicle of deli magnificence that when this no nonsense owner pointed at me with his thick fucking finger that could break my tiny nurse body, all I could say was, “Tomatoes, onions, uh… derp!” Some other fantastic places in Astoria: Watawa Sushi (I couldn’t eat enough of the magnificent art that is their sushi. Eel mother fuckers!) and Taverna Kyclades (best sea bass I have ever and perhaps will ever eat). I really could go on for pages about the dining, but I won’t. But I do want to give a mighty nod to one last place, The Drunken Horse in Manhattan. After hours of walking we happened upon this urban oasis. Exhausted we sat on their magnificently cozy couch, drank beers, ate hummus and falafel wraps and listened to the idiots stuck in rush hour honk at one another in futility. The owner of that place must be the god of hospitality. The only shitty  experience I had in New York was at Mad River Bar and Grill. That may have been the shittiest bar experience of my life, but at least the DJ playing on Thursday, June 7 was quite nearing the fucking phenomenal. He was an actual DJ doing shit, not an annoying MP3-J winking at the ladies as he bobs his head like a goofy son-of-a-bitch.

The mayor of Adams-Friendship, WI pictured as he contemplates whether to beat his wife first or take his 7th breath for the minute.

Aggression- It’s a strange thing to love I know, but hear me out. People honk and bark at each other all the time there, but there’s this level of control about it that rednecks in middle America are absolutely incapable of. This cab tried to cut this one pedestrian off during rush hour in Manhattan after our magical time at the Drunken Horse and the dude verbally accosted the cab driver like a fucking champ. Once the rage was out, he walked on and all was well. Maybe some egos were bruised, but that’s it. Drivers honk, pedestrians shout, and bike couriers gesture, all in an incredible dance and display of communication that only those in big cities can truly respect and more importantly, deliver. I would fit in well there. As a bicyclist in Madison (one that obeys ALL rules of the road I’ll have you know) I know well the rage that can come when travelling amongst the oblivious and worse, the idiotic. Like that Manhattan pedestrian, I too rage like a champ, summoning fear from those that dare cross me. It’s a brilliant flash in the pan and then it’s gone. No harm, no foul. This is something that rednecks in Wisconsin are incapable of. You see their anger leads to dead cyclists, spousal abuse, drunk driving and possible jail time for the offender as long as he lives in a city with a population greater than 150,000 people… maybe. Depends if the judge and jury are wife beatin’ ‘Mericans themselves. I can’t imagine living below the Mason Dixon Line especially if I was just a bit more tan. And now that we have castle doctrine in Wisconsin, watch out. Fucking eager fuckers can’t wait to shoot first and ask questions never. Remember the threats against door to door recall petitioners earlier this year? “I’ll shoot them if they come to my door!” Fucking cancervatives. Fuck ’em.

Idiots and assholes- So to all those people that gripe about all the assholes in New York, I didn’t run into a single one in five days of constant wandering. One guy on a busy Manhattan street actually stopped and picked up my sun glasses for me when I dropped them. Well played sir. Well played. I would of course bet my life savings on the presence of assholes in that fine city, but they are far less noticeable than those in Wisconsin. And they’re probably far less annoying. What about idiots you’re asking? When I think of big cities, I think proselytizers. They are all over fucking Madison, but thinking back I didn’t see a single bible thumping idiot there. Not one. I prefer the occasional smell of garbage to seeing a proselytizer any day. Now I do have to admit, I heard about one idiot while I was there. He’s a pseudo-idiot really. Mister Michael Bloomberg, come on down! This guy really makes liberals look stupid. His ban on sodas larger than 32 ounces is embarrassing. Now I understand what he’s trying to do. Obesity is an epidemic and I respect his desire to combat it, but there has to be a better way. A move like this gives teabaggers ammunition for their anti-humanity cause. It makes them look justified in their ignorance and they are anything but.  (Sidenote: I was impressed that despite the city wide smoking ban, hooka lounges and cigar bars were still allowed to exist. Mmmmm, hooka. Here in Madison they’re just too fucking stupid to get it and they killed these businesses by not offering exemption with the smoking ban). Now I know some will say, but Sturm, Bloomberg actually won office as a Republican and now he’s an Independent. That’s technically true, but his social stances are anything but Republie/con. He only switched parties to gain the coveted votes of the numerous conservative idiots of Staten Island. What do you know? There are New York assholes after all. Found ’em! I still can’t believe Bloomberg endorsed GWB for president. Fucking New York idiot. Every village needs one.

Come to redneck Wisconsin where you can stand high above the enemy and rain down upon it with your magnificence. Our arrows and beer cans shall blot out the sun. If it’s brown, it’s down!!!

Green space- The thing that blew me more than being at Gay Pride New York… I mean blew me AWAY, was how fucking beautiful New York is. The green space was fantastic, moreso even than a city like Madison. Of course it has five times the square mileage, but still. And I’m not just talking about central park which in itself is a marvel and bigger than some small shitty Wisconsin towns. I’m talking about some of the green space that has been done brilliantly. The High Line is a fantastic display of greenery done in a most ingenious way. It seemed every where we walked there were parks and small quiet green areas. Rooftop gardens, parks, and rain gardens seemed to be everywhere. Of course they are not thriving eco systems which is what we really need more of on this suburban sprawl infected planet, but it is at least the start of something. Sorry redneck assholes, corn and soy bean fields that gather the deer and turkeys you so bravely and skillfully shoot from your beer filled tree stands don’t count as green space. In fact they are leading to the demise of this planet’s biodiversity far more than high rising cities like New York. It’s a fact morands. Accept it or fuck off.

So that’s kind of it summarized very briefly for your enjoyment. I could map it out in far more detail, but some things are better left unsaid. My memories are just that… min. But I will leave you with one last thought. The one thing about this trip that shocked me is that for the first time ever I dreaded coming home. Everytime before when I’ve come home from vacation, I’ve been excited about something. You know how exhausting vacations can be whether relaxing on the beach or traipsing through the streets? I have always looked forward to returning home for a vacation from my vacation, but not this time. The only excitement I had was the thought of seeing my fucking cats who are vastly smarter than all of my Tea Tardy Wisconsin neighbors combined. I guess I have at long last reached the tipping point, people. My time here is done. Wisconsin has nothing, I repeat NOTHING, to offer me or anyone with a shred of decency, imagination, or fucking foresight. Worse, it means nothing. The majority of its citizens are sociopathic morons that support criminals in legislature who shit on two pieces of bread and feed it to the masses. And the masses mow it down with goofy fucking smiles and head nods. They can all go fuck themselves. If they want to regress this state back into the upper Paleolithic period when it was better off than now because it was covered with fucking mile thick ice, then have at it. But if they think they’re getting any more of my hard earned tax dollars to seek and destroy with then they’re fucking dumber than they look. I know there are retard conservatives everywhere, but some places they are only seen and not heard which is the way it should be. I’m heading to a far more progressive area with higher populations. I’ll take my chances with assholes, pinheads, eggheads, and hooligans (whatever haters want to call them) over Wisconsin’s drooling fucking conservative retards any day. They can live with the consequences of their elected sociopaths’ caustic legislative decisions, not me. Sing it loud, Badgers! “Moron Wisconsin! Moron Wisconsin! Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb!” The only assholes I see are right here.

So as for my question. Is New York the greatest city in the world? I don’t know. All I know is it’s far better than the one I’m in now and I can’t wait to go back, and that’s reason enough for me to love NYC more than 98% of the other cities I’ve visited. Of course, since I only spent five intimate days with her, is it actually lust? I lust New York. Yeah, I lust the shit out of her.