Category: Miscellaneous Musings


Welcome to Clyman, WI where retards give conservative sociopaths like Fitzie here free reign to fuck shit up bad. Where women earn 30% less than their male overlords. Where a DUI is a badge of honor. Where real men instruct their wives with the backs of their hands. This poor girl doesn’t stand a chance. God bless ‘Merica!

So I was most fortunate and was able to evac from this shit state immediately after the crushing defeat by the conservatives here in Wisconsin on June 5th. It really couldn’t have been more perfect timing. Now I seriously could have gone to Robert Falcon Scott’s hut in Antarctica’s winter darkness and would have had a better time than watching a bunch of fucking retards gloat and celebrate Walker, Fitzgerald, et al’s simultaneous defeat of reason, logic, sanity, nature, and humanity. But instead of a vacation of sensory deprivation, I chose the opposite. I went to NYC. Now I’ve heard a lot of people talk about NYC being the greatest city on earth which seems like quite a ridiculous claim, but having been there before and spending more time there this past week, I believe I understand where the sentiment of this claim is coming from. Is it really the greatest city on earth? Probably not, but I haven’t been to every or even 1% of the cities on the planet, so I can’t back up that claim. I can tell you that it is better than Chicago, Belfast, Minneapolis/Saint Paul, DFW, Denver, Milwaukee, St. Louis, Atlanta, Miami, Las Vegas, and Madison to name a few. It’s not even a fucking contest. So if it beats these cities, then it’s a no-brainer that it fucking crushes every rinky dink Podunk redneck town in the entirety of the United States, especially those in Wississippi. To be fair, the jury’s still deliberating on San Francisco, Dublin, and Rome.

Look at all these arrogant New York City assholes. Every one of them is a jerk, especially the woman near center in the green top and red skirt. She’s a god damned mega bitch.

Now on the opposite side there are a lot of people who shred the city of New York every chance they get. It’s like some burning passion. I don’t get it. If they were talking about a town full of a bunch of conservative pseudo-human retards like say Menomonie, WI then I’d say, yeah, you’re spot on. Hate away. But they’re not, they’re talking about a city spread across five distinct boroughs that houses over 8.2 million fucking people. I just don’t get the hate. It’s annoying and it’s ridiculous. “It’s a nice place to visit,” they’ll say, “but I wouldn’t want to live there!” I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard this. Really? Well nobody asked and nobody gives a shit where you want to live, fuckstick. You’re sitting at the same restaruant/bar in a shitty Wisconsin town night after night. Your sensibilities are clearly more fucked than a Cambodian whore. “Well, it’s just that New York is full of assholes,” they’ll counter. “They’re all so mean!” Really? You’ve met all 8.2 million people and they’re all assholes? How? Politically? Socially? How specifically are they assholes? Now if you met say, a paltry 40 percent of the population (that’s 3,297,964 people) and you interviewed them and they proved themselves to be assholes, then I’d say you’re on to something. But you haven’t fuck muffin. You haven’t even met a dozen people. You can’t say shit about that city. “Well you can’t raise a kid there.” Now you’re not even trying. Fucking amateur. Listen, if you like living in your culturally stagnant shit hole of a town like Beaver Dam, Wisconsin, then have at it. But don’t try to explain it away with some childish arguments lest you risk sounding like a teabagger and the last thing you want is to sound like a god-damned teabagger.

So fuck these people. Let me tell you what I loved about ONE OF the greatest cities on the planet.

24/7 activity- From the moment you step off the plane in shitty, but convenient Laguardia (seriously, avoid JFK at all costs) you’re bombarded with hustle and bustle. It’s fucking fantastic. It’s like Vegas except without the toothless meth addicts pushing a single button until the computer determines they’ve been at it long enough. Actually, I take that back. It’s nothing like Vegas. Fuck Las Vegas. I’d rather stab my sack repeatedly with a spork than go back there. What I’m saying is, no matter what time of day it is, there is always something going on and something for you to do. We stayed with a friend in Astoria not far from the N train. Walk a block to Ditmar’s and you’ve got everything you need. If you didn’t want to, you’d never have to leave his neighborhood. Want to know the sad part? Even with all the density and intensity of his neighborhood, it is still quieter than my Madison neighborhood. How the fuck is that even possible? I slept like a baby there while here I constantly wake up. Maybe it’s the sound of ignorance creeping in from rural Wisconsin that’s waking me up. Who knows? All I know is that in New York it was so easy to stay active that before I knew it, it was 3 a.m. It’s way too easy to lose track of time. And the sheer amount of social intricacies above and below ground is staggering. I could people watch for years there.

“Aiight, ladies! Form an orderly queue. The douche express leaves in five!”

Endless variety- I guarantee you could live in NYC your entire life and never experience everything it has to offer. From the Greek district of Astoria you can take the N train and be in Manhattan in 30 minutes. If you walk through Greenwich Village suddenly you can be in the more seedy surrounding streets. Catch a train every 15-20 minutes and you can warp to another world. The next time I go there, I’m going to journey through the city for 24 consecutive hours and keep a journal. The variety of the shit I will see will be insane. Now I’m not a sports fan, but being in NYC made me wish I was. They have two of each, those lucky fuckers. I did take in a Yankee’s game while there. The most enjoyable part of that was watching this fan in front of me laugh at Alex Rodriquez every time he struck out. Man, what a fucking waste of money A-Rod is. And is there a more douchey looking player in the league than Derek Jeter? I don’t think so. Oh I’m just foolin’ about. I bet Jeter’s actually a very nice douche bag.

If my $3.50 was the only amount needed to keep Menomonie, WI from utter financial ruin, mass chaos and utter destruction, I’d sooner spend it on this grand invention at a food cart in NYC.

Food- The fucking food, oh my christ, the fucking food. It was glorious. I thought about taking up the life of the binger/purger just to be able to sample everything I wanted to. Maybe it’s cliche, but the one thing I wanted more than anything while in NYC was a big-ass deli sandwich and man I found that at Sal, Kris, and Charlie’s Deli. Those fuckers know how to make a sammy. Enormous doesn’t begin to describe it. So many toppings to choose from. So delicious. All for a piddly seven fucking dollars. In New York! (Actually it’s a myth. NY isn’t that expensive for food. It’s really no worse than shit-tastic Madison. I’ve heard it said that if you eat at restaurants on the streets versus the avenues, you’ll get far greater value). I’m telling you, this sandwich was so delicious I went back the next day and was so excited to eat another giant vehicle of deli magnificence that when this no nonsense owner pointed at me with his thick fucking finger that could break my tiny nurse body, all I could say was, “Tomatoes, onions, uh… derp!” Some other fantastic places in Astoria: Watawa Sushi (I couldn’t eat enough of the magnificent art that is their sushi. Eel mother fuckers!) and Taverna Kyclades (best sea bass I have ever and perhaps will ever eat). I really could go on for pages about the dining, but I won’t. But I do want to give a mighty nod to one last place, The Drunken Horse in Manhattan. After hours of walking we happened upon this urban oasis. Exhausted we sat on their magnificently cozy couch, drank beers, ate hummus and falafel wraps and listened to the idiots stuck in rush hour honk at one another in futility. The owner of that place must be the god of hospitality. The only shitty  experience I had in New York was at Mad River Bar and Grill. That may have been the shittiest bar experience of my life, but at least the DJ playing on Thursday, June 7 was quite nearing the fucking phenomenal. He was an actual DJ doing shit, not an annoying MP3-J winking at the ladies as he bobs his head like a goofy son-of-a-bitch.

The mayor of Adams-Friendship, WI pictured as he contemplates whether to beat his wife first or take his 7th breath for the minute.

Aggression- It’s a strange thing to love I know, but hear me out. People honk and bark at each other all the time there, but there’s this level of control about it that rednecks in middle America are absolutely incapable of. This cab tried to cut this one pedestrian off during rush hour in Manhattan after our magical time at the Drunken Horse and the dude verbally accosted the cab driver like a fucking champ. Once the rage was out, he walked on and all was well. Maybe some egos were bruised, but that’s it. Drivers honk, pedestrians shout, and bike couriers gesture, all in an incredible dance and display of communication that only those in big cities can truly respect and more importantly, deliver. I would fit in well there. As a bicyclist in Madison (one that obeys ALL rules of the road I’ll have you know) I know well the rage that can come when travelling amongst the oblivious and worse, the idiotic. Like that Manhattan pedestrian, I too rage like a champ, summoning fear from those that dare cross me. It’s a brilliant flash in the pan and then it’s gone. No harm, no foul. This is something that rednecks in Wisconsin are incapable of. You see their anger leads to dead cyclists, spousal abuse, drunk driving and possible jail time for the offender as long as he lives in a city with a population greater than 150,000 people… maybe. Depends if the judge and jury are wife beatin’ ‘Mericans themselves. I can’t imagine living below the Mason Dixon Line especially if I was just a bit more tan. And now that we have castle doctrine in Wisconsin, watch out. Fucking eager fuckers can’t wait to shoot first and ask questions never. Remember the threats against door to door recall petitioners earlier this year? “I’ll shoot them if they come to my door!” Fucking cancervatives. Fuck ’em.

Idiots and assholes- So to all those people that gripe about all the assholes in New York, I didn’t run into a single one in five days of constant wandering. One guy on a busy Manhattan street actually stopped and picked up my sun glasses for me when I dropped them. Well played sir. Well played. I would of course bet my life savings on the presence of assholes in that fine city, but they are far less noticeable than those in Wisconsin. And they’re probably far less annoying. What about idiots you’re asking? When I think of big cities, I think proselytizers. They are all over fucking Madison, but thinking back I didn’t see a single bible thumping idiot there. Not one. I prefer the occasional smell of garbage to seeing a proselytizer any day. Now I do have to admit, I heard about one idiot while I was there. He’s a pseudo-idiot really. Mister Michael Bloomberg, come on down! This guy really makes liberals look stupid. His ban on sodas larger than 32 ounces is embarrassing. Now I understand what he’s trying to do. Obesity is an epidemic and I respect his desire to combat it, but there has to be a better way. A move like this gives teabaggers ammunition for their anti-humanity cause. It makes them look justified in their ignorance and they are anything but.  (Sidenote: I was impressed that despite the city wide smoking ban, hooka lounges and cigar bars were still allowed to exist. Mmmmm, hooka. Here in Madison they’re just too fucking stupid to get it and they killed these businesses by not offering exemption with the smoking ban). Now I know some will say, but Sturm, Bloomberg actually won office as a Republican and now he’s an Independent. That’s technically true, but his social stances are anything but Republie/con. He only switched parties to gain the coveted votes of the numerous conservative idiots of Staten Island. What do you know? There are New York assholes after all. Found ’em! I still can’t believe Bloomberg endorsed GWB for president. Fucking New York idiot. Every village needs one.

Come to redneck Wisconsin where you can stand high above the enemy and rain down upon it with your magnificence. Our arrows and beer cans shall blot out the sun. If it’s brown, it’s down!!!

Green space- The thing that blew me more than being at Gay Pride New York… I mean blew me AWAY, was how fucking beautiful New York is. The green space was fantastic, moreso even than a city like Madison. Of course it has five times the square mileage, but still. And I’m not just talking about central park which in itself is a marvel and bigger than some small shitty Wisconsin towns. I’m talking about some of the green space that has been done brilliantly. The High Line is a fantastic display of greenery done in a most ingenious way. It seemed every where we walked there were parks and small quiet green areas. Rooftop gardens, parks, and rain gardens seemed to be everywhere. Of course they are not thriving eco systems which is what we really need more of on this suburban sprawl infected planet, but it is at least the start of something. Sorry redneck assholes, corn and soy bean fields that gather the deer and turkeys you so bravely and skillfully shoot from your beer filled tree stands don’t count as green space. In fact they are leading to the demise of this planet’s biodiversity far more than high rising cities like New York. It’s a fact morands. Accept it or fuck off.

So that’s kind of it summarized very briefly for your enjoyment. I could map it out in far more detail, but some things are better left unsaid. My memories are just that… min. But I will leave you with one last thought. The one thing about this trip that shocked me is that for the first time ever I dreaded coming home. Everytime before when I’ve come home from vacation, I’ve been excited about something. You know how exhausting vacations can be whether relaxing on the beach or traipsing through the streets? I have always looked forward to returning home for a vacation from my vacation, but not this time. The only excitement I had was the thought of seeing my fucking cats who are vastly smarter than all of my Tea Tardy Wisconsin neighbors combined. I guess I have at long last reached the tipping point, people. My time here is done. Wisconsin has nothing, I repeat NOTHING, to offer me or anyone with a shred of decency, imagination, or fucking foresight. Worse, it means nothing. The majority of its citizens are sociopathic morons that support criminals in legislature who shit on two pieces of bread and feed it to the masses. And the masses mow it down with goofy fucking smiles and head nods. They can all go fuck themselves. If they want to regress this state back into the upper Paleolithic period when it was better off than now because it was covered with fucking mile thick ice, then have at it. But if they think they’re getting any more of my hard earned tax dollars to seek and destroy with then they’re fucking dumber than they look. I know there are retard conservatives everywhere, but some places they are only seen and not heard which is the way it should be. I’m heading to a far more progressive area with higher populations. I’ll take my chances with assholes, pinheads, eggheads, and hooligans (whatever haters want to call them) over Wisconsin’s drooling fucking conservative retards any day. They can live with the consequences of their elected sociopaths’ caustic legislative decisions, not me. Sing it loud, Badgers! “Moron Wisconsin! Moron Wisconsin! Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb!” The only assholes I see are right here.

So as for my question. Is New York the greatest city in the world? I don’t know. All I know is it’s far better than the one I’m in now and I can’t wait to go back, and that’s reason enough for me to love NYC more than 98% of the other cities I’ve visited. Of course, since I only spent five intimate days with her, is it actually lust? I lust New York. Yeah, I lust the shit out of her.

Peace,

Sturm

My hagraven grandmother. Not your typical cute 'n cuddly grandma. No cookie baking here, folks.

Well, it has finally happened. The world can breathe a bit easier. Kittens no longer release muffled mews from inside canvas sacks. The laughter of children can once again return to the streets. A great weight has been lifted from the hearts and minds of the innocent. The kind and the gentle have nothing more to fear, for she, the one of whom I rarely choose to speak, has died. The leather skinned abomination, the hagraven, who sucked the joy from all who dared venture too near, has fallen prey to nature’s final cold embrace. No, I’m not talking about Whitney Houston, I’m talking about mother figure’s mother figure. Grandmother figure if you will.

Man my grandmother figure was a bitch. Now I don’t mean to merely imply she was a crabby, prone to irritation because she lived through the Great Depression woman. No, that would be understandable. Shit no, this woman was a down right nasty fucking sociopathic mega-asshole that would have sooner crushed puppy skulls in front of me than give four year old Sturm a hug. That’s all I needed growing up. One heartfelt hug from granny. But no that was too much to ask. It was all about cold “love” I guess, teaching me the harsh realities of the world which I guess could have been fine, except she didn’t actually end up teaching me shit. She merely reinforced the feelings of revulsion that arrived every time my neurotic, narcissistic mother sent me up to see her sadistic mentor for six weeks out of every summer. For more reflections on mother figure, please see my previous brilliant entry.

Seriously, ma? Six weeks? Did that bitch have any idea how much time that is to a child trapped in the icy, spindly hands of the enemy? Now the only saving grace was the fact that the hagraven lived in the middle of the fucking woods. I did like that part, because I spent all the hours of daylight roaming the woods, praying that I’d get mauled by a mother fucking black bear or adopted by a pack of wolves. But sadly every night as darkness fell upon the forest, so too did it fall upon my heart because I’d have to go back into that den of emotional iniquity where it resided. Her hissing voice and shuffling feet terrorized young me, planting the seeds of anxiety, self-doubt, and deprecation that would fully blossom by the time I discovered how fucking awesome masturbation was. Of course let’s not forget the guilt that accompanies the emotionally terrorized.

"Come here little Sturm. Granny needs a kiss. Just kidding! Here's a gift for you I left in the bedpan! Eat it you little bastard!"

I’m sure some of you will wave your hand and say “Bah!” as you believe I exaggerate the despicable existence of grandmother figure. I don’t. It was real. Other, more enlightened readers may be wondering why she behaved in the way she did. Well that’s easy. I can tell you. Quite simply, she was a full blown malignant narcissist. Okay, okay maybe she wasn’t as far gone as to kill my pets in front of me, but she was cruel enough to make it known that she loved her pet schnauzer far more than she loved me or ANY of my siblings (they’ll probably disagree). But I knew. I could see it in her eyes. The way she gazed at me across the table during breakfast. Every time I reached for a piece of toast or the milk she would judge and then snap because I moved to fast or made too much noise or dropped a crumb upon her favorite table cloth. Cold fucking bitch. Holy shit she was wicked.

You know what’s crazy? I think during my whole life I saw that cunt smile like maybe twice. One of those was when she and her husband sold their Kellogg’s stock when it was high and spent it all traveling the world. Good for them. No, I really mean it. You earned it, you spend it. Whatever you gotta do to be happy. Who the fuck knows what the other smile was for. Like all narcissists, the hagraven was a master manipulator and master of denigration of those she should have cared for. She made it perfectly clear that she despised her daughter’s side of the family. She fucking loathed us. Her son’s side, however, could do no wrong. Their fucking feces smelled like freshly baked cinnamon rolls. Nevermind that her son fucking cheated on his own wife of many years and that his son partied with blow while committing various crimes. Assholes. But little Sturm breaks her two dollar chipmunk bottle and holy fuck all it’s the end of the world! “You always were a trouble maker, Sturm!” (Note narcissist tactic of negative reinforcement and superiority) What a bitch.

Know what’s worse than having a narcissistic grandmother figure? Having an enabling asshole grandfather figure to do her wicked bidding. This guy was a cowardly piece of work. I fucking resent that man. It’s a good thing he’s dead because my words may well cut him to his brittle bones were he alive today. He died about the time I started this little blahg. I remember visiting him on his death bed about two days before the sweet release. Part of me wanted to lean in and whisper: “I’m glad you’re dying,” or “I hope this hurts, gramps.” But I didn’t, because unlike him and his cunt wife, I actually have a conscience. Don’t get me wrong, grandfather figure was actually nice more often than not. I actually liked him most of the time except when he was being a control freak. My anger against him stems from the simple fact that he didn’t stand up against the blatant emotional abuse his hagraven wife unleashed upon us. And for that he deserves to have his ass fucking crushed. Mother figure called him a big teddy bear. Me? I call him a spineless, slithering coward. Maybe he is the aforementioned teddy bear’s asshole. Fuck him. And fuck her.

"You know what? I'm not giving too much thought to this somatic narcissism of which you speak, I just think my shit literally does not stink. Man I'm awesome!"

So my dead grandmother was a narcissist and she passed all of her acidic knowledge on to her own daughter who in turn continued to fill my own young head with self doubt, anxiety, inner turmoil, and vapid fear. My mother was a victim, no doubt. She has truly suffered at the hands of her narcissistic mother figure and iron fist controlling father figure. It should make me feel sympathy, but it doesn’t. Why? Because she has decades on me. Mother figure should have grown up. She should have recognized the shit sandwiches her own mother fed her. Hell, I did. She should have gotten psychological help. More so it was her responsibility, nay, her fucking DUTY as an adult to deal with her own demons, especially before she dared bring children of her own into this world to corrupt them and plague them with her own fucking insecurities.  But she didn’t. Nope, the fucking bitch was lazy and cowardly. She buried her issues deep in the minds of her offspring. She became a “mother” so that she could have something to love her. She popped out kids to have little friends to talk to and vent to. Know what it’s like to be a kid and have your mother unload all her secrets and doubts about her marriage onto your vulnerable mind? It’s devastating. She only bred to fill the void in her life set forth by her own shitty parents and in the fallout created young casualties of war. She failed. Of course she had a cowardly father to set an example so big fucking surprise. Did I mention that asshole threatened to disown her when she protested the Vietnam War? What a prick fucking douche nozzle that dead asshole was. At least he can do no more harm to his daughter.

So my life has shed another malicious figure. It is good. It is freeing. I do not weep. I do not fear. Quite simply, I do not care. The narcissists and their enablers have tried their best to lead me astray, to make me fall in line with their wicked ways but I refuse. I rise above them because I am better than them. They are the shit upon my sole. They are annoying. They stink. They are foul. But in the end they are inconsequential. I will wipe them off upon the grass and carry on my own way. Mother figure wants to fix what has happened. She is hurt that I have pulled away (see how narcissists spin it all to be about them? Here are more traits). She wants to heal the damage and then have a normal relationship. Normal? You killed normal years ago, ma. No. There can be no forgiveness and there certainly can be no forgetting. If there is one thing I have learned in my life, it is that a narcissist can never be trusted. They cannot and they will not change. The disorder will even be taken off the DSM-5 probably because it is too hard to diagnose and even harder to treat. Plus most narcissists aren’t malignant narcissists and in the end can you really treat someone who is just guilty of being a complete asshole? No you can’t. The only thing that can be done with these people is to excise them as if they are tumors. Which is what they are, malignant tumors that will invade every last centimeter of healthy tissue until all is consumed. This means setting up a policy of no contact if all other boundaries fail. I am not there yet, but I may be soon.

As for the hagraven. When the ground thaws in the spring and I am called to head north to finally witness her corpse heaved into a grave, I think I may well pass, for you see it is all so unbelievably inconsequential to me. I’m not angry anymore. I haven’t been for awhile. I just don’t care. I don’t care about my uncle or his family enough or my narcissistic mother enough to stand around in a cold spring wind pretending to give a rancid shit. I’ve got better things to do, like live my life. The things I care about are far more worthy of my time. I care about my friends. I care about my wife. I care about my cats. I even care about my new and difficult  job though those idiotic teatards would claim otherwise. But I don’t care about the narcissists that have wandered around within my life, treading wherever and however loudly they please. Not anymore. And I never will again.

Peace of mind,

Sturm

Sorry I haven’t updated in awhile, I was off for two weeks hanging out in the Caribbean enjoying a long over due vacation. I over indulged a bit on an all inclusive, and before those of you who would criticize me for some imaginary hypocrisy, trust me when I say I have covered those bases. I donate plenty to off set the damage (social, environmental, or otherwise) that I might have done. I may feel relaxed as all fuck, but my mind is sharp as ever. You got nothing on me teabaggers. Nothing.

These two dykes will soon be very disappointed when they learn that Sandals refuses to accomodate the abomination that is their love.

It was a fantastic trip thanks for asking. All you can eat, drink, play with the woman of my dreams. It really couldn’t have been better. The staff at Excellence in Punta Cana was so unbelievable. I truly did not have enough money to tip everyone, and EVERY ONE of them deserved tips. They are patient, accommodating, and do their job with so much pride it made me fucking proud, and I don’t have a vested interest in that company. Excellence Resorts are truly beyond compare and are a fuck ton better than that homophobic shit sty of a corporation called Sandals. Fuck Sandals resorts. Did you know they have a strict anti-homosexual policy? They are so vehemently anti-gay that no same sex couples are allowed to book rooms together. When I say no same sex couples, I mean NO SAME SEX COUPLES, not even mother and daughter or father and son combinations. How’s that for blind devotion to a horrible set of “values”? Pathetic. Fuck Sandals. If you have any sort of social decency or conscience you will NEVER support that company. If you do, then fuck you too.

"What the hell you mean I can't come in? This is my best hat. Speak American god dammit!"

So I went on this trip to get away from this teatarded country of ours for a bit, hoping to be able to forget about it if only for a few days out of the many. I did, but not necessarily as much as I’d hoped. Why you’re asking? Because Americans are parasites. They are every fucking where, barking their ridiculous demands while wearing their Harley or NASTARD or other shirts adorned with fantastically redneck phrases. This resort is more European than most, but apparently not during the fall months. Sigh. So at this resort, there was an exclusive club for upgraded members. There was a dress code which I adhered to because 1) it’s fun to dress nice 2) I respect those who offer incredible services and 3) I have fucking class in public… tons of it. The very first night there, guess what we saw? A fat fuck wrapped in nothing but a towel to at least ensure the world was spared the eye gouging sight of his junk. Guess where he was from? Yuppers… the U.S. I was so embarrassed because teabaggers like that thing (it was a teabagger, have no doubt) are the reason the fucking world hates us. I know teabaggers don’t care, but I fucking do… and so do a lot of other decent Americans. It gets better though. A couple days later I saw this same asshole in the same classy club walk in with one of the aforementioned tee shirts listed above. On it was a picture of a cat and another of a rooster. In between hung a phrase of such incredible class and social dominance that I am afraid to post it here for the sheer change in social status that could result. Okay, I’ll tell you anyway. It said: I think your pussy should play with my cock. I couldn’t make this shit up if I wanted to people. Fucking Americans. Fucking teabaggers. It WAS a teabagger.

This stealthy photograph taken mid conversation is of a teabagger from Pennsylvania sharing his opinions on family, politics, and race during my trip to Punta Cana, DR.

Another night my wife and I were out for drinks waiting to go to dinner and we ran into this couple from Pennsylvania. One look at this guy and I knew where he stood on the political spectrum… squishy, sagging, teabagging right. I refrained from the easy attack on Rick “ass drainage” Santorum, but of course this guy’s vile opinions took about 3 seconds to surface anyway. Interspersed within sound bytes of guns and small government came his far from subtle misogyny and racism. This ass bag actually turned to my wife and out of the blue asked, “So are you a stay at home mom?” What the fuck? Not, “So what do you do?” Seriously? Who asks the question of “what do you do for a living” like that? Oh, right redneck conservatives from the US, that’s who. In that instance I actually kinda wish my progressive wife wasn’t so calm and level headed. I wish she had thundered down upon him like the hammer of fucking Thor splitting his thick, Cro-magnon skull in two whilst shooting bolts of lightning from her tits. But alas, she didn’t because she’s better than me. That’s one reason I love her. Not long after that he began telling a story of his military police days when he was called in to protect his own officers from, I quote, “a bunch of blacks.” During this story he made sure to mention his opponents’ skin tone at least a half dozen times, as if it lent some extra credibility to his banal story or the clear banality of his mere existence. As if their race was even fucking relevant to the story. Racist asshole. I wonder if he’s friends with Dale the “niggar” hater Robertson of the Tea Tardy? They certainly look like they could be brothers. My wise wife soon encouraged us to leave and we did, but not soon enough. I still feel guilty that I let that racist misogynist talk so much. My wife brought up a good question after we left which was, “If he hates black people so much, then why was he in the Caribbean?” I thought about it for a moment and then I found the blazing answer: Because “the blacks” will wait on him just like in the good old days of his grand pappy’s grand pappy. Fuck me I should have called him out on his racist shit. Oh well, there will always be another chance for me to redeem myself in this bland country of ours.

"Scotch. Rocks. Make it quick. Oh, and don't touch the rim, macaca."

Anyway, I managed to avoid these disgusting mutations of evolution for the remainder of my time in Punta Cana, but there were others to irritate me, mostly loud frat boy types talking ’bout banging chicks and drinking brewskis… you know, more class act fucking Americans… but I can deal with those guys far easier than the arrogant, racist assholes. Oh shit, I nearly forgot about this other jack ass in a restaurant demanding his drinks come with four ice cubes and to “make it quick”. Fuck’s sake. What an asshole. His accent betrayed his home as somewhere in the coastal Virginia/North Carolina area. Seriously, I really felt sorry for the staff at Excellence in Punta Cana. They deserve fucking medals for what they do everyday which includes but is not limited to working harder than any fucking asshole that ever has or ever will visit their resort… and YES that includes me.

So here I am, back in the land of opportunity. I’m well rested and rearing to bust some shit up on the conservative assholes that did not have the decency to jump into slaughter stanchions or drink hemlock or just plain disappear while I was gone. I’m kind of relieved, actually. I didn’t want to be out of a job… or is it a hobby? It’s just become so easy and fun that I can’t tell anymore. Not surprising, it seems the conservatives have delivered on their promises of chaos, instability, and plain indecency while I was gone which I’ll have to jump into, but right now I’m hungry. I think I’ll call room service and order up a couple Excellence club sammies with guacamole… oh fuck, forgot where I was for a minute. Hopefully my friends from La Republica Dominicana (that’s the Dominican Republic for all you ignorant teabaggers) will survive the onslaught of asshole Americans until I can get down there again to treat them with the one thing most Americans lack: respect.

Hasta luego mis amigos,

Sturm

"What's my name? What's my name!? You can call me mutha fuckin' Supa Croc, bitch! My sperm will be passed down for a hundred million fuckin' years! My great grandchildren to the millionth power will be hunting the weak human species."

You know, I hear a lot of people bragging about how bad ass sharks are, and I like them and all, but they just don’t stand up to the sheer awesomeness of the crocodilians of this planet. I’m sure some of those people that masturbate when shark week comes on will say: “But Superzelle! How can you honestly believe that a lumbering reptile is more kick ass than a shark? Sharks are crazy fast, bad ass fish that can shred a human in seconds.” To them I’d say, “Jah. That’s true. They’re pretty sweet predators, but one of my problems with them is that Flipper can kick their fucking teeth in. Dolphins are more bad ass than sharks.” The other reason is that crocs, specifically Australia’s salties are smart. No, not just instinctively smart. They have brains. No, not just a bundle of nerves that create basic reflexes. They have actual cerebral matter. These fucking crocs have developed brains with tissue like humans, tissue that allows them to study, to learn, to remember, to hunt, to fucking survive like no other species’ business. And that fucking death roll. How glorious!

There was a story from Darwin, Northern Territory in Australia where several campers were camping for 12 days. It wasn’t until near the end that a large saltie charged into their camp while they were sleeping and pulled one of the campers out of his tent. Do you know how it did this? It studied the humans. It learned their schedules. It picked the most opportune time to attack its prey. This isn’t behavior born from instinct people, this is intelligence. Raw, unbridled, EVOLVING intelligence. If it weren’t so awesome, I’d say this display was creepy. On top of being smart, these bad asses are fast, strong, and can live without a single bite to eat for one whole year. Being cold blooded, the sun, not just food, can regulate their body temperatures and keep their hearts beating. Their fucking stomachs can digest metal for fuck’s sake. They’re like the terminators of the animal kingdom.

Sigh. I wish humans could be this amazing. Sure, we have powers of analytical reasoning and logic at our disposal IF we so choose to use them, but we don’t. We can’t even stop pissing and shitting in our own water, that’s how stupid we are. We clear cut and allow factories to dump toxins into watersheds and encourage oil companies to spill their commodities all over our oceans because there is NO penalty and expand our cities as far as the eye can see. Hell, at this rate the descendants of Homo Erectus won’t even reach their 2.501 millionth birthday, not even close. Wouldn’t it be something to be around when Super Croc’s great, great, great, great, great, etc. grandchildren grow to be 200 million years old? I wonder how smart they’ll be? By then evolution will have gotten rid of all creationists and unfortunately the more intelligent humans as well. Will crocodilians be the new “human” species? Will their brains have diverged into even larger organs capable of rational thinking and higher reasoning than our own? Will they become a space faring race death rolling anyone that tries to fuck with them? I wish I could meet future super croc. We could talk about how awesome he is and how meek I am. I’d beg to be his friend, to journey with him until the new super viruses of earth eradicate me. Sure, the super crocs of the future might still be shitting in their own water, but the magnificent level of hydrochloric acid in their stomachs will destroy any nastiness within it.

But alas, I’ll have to make do with my fellow inadequate humans with their high caloric needs, their wimpy muscles, their weak stomachs, and their temporarily larger brains. I bid you godspeed into the future, super crocs. If you need my flesh to advance your evolutionary agenda, then I have two words for you: eat me. Just make it quick and painless.

Croikey!

Sturm

The pain of the epic failure of Tuesday August 9th, 2011 still stings. It really stings. Making me... feel... feverish... a bit... hungry... if... you will... braaaains! Teeeeeetarrrrrrrd need braaaains!

Okay people. I have licked my still flowing wounds and fantasized about kicking the living shit out of teatards and have decided that I’m not going to let the defeat of the progressive agenda in this state for a generation to come prevent me from continuing with the necessary attack on the teatarded in our midst. These people are acrid shit stains that need to be disinfected and bleached time and time again. They’re like nasty pit stains on a white tee shirt that need vicious chemical treatment. Actually, check that. I just moved out of a one-hundred year old condemnable shit hole that was infested with mice and centipedes. Thankfully we have cats that enjoy playing with the vermin until their hearts give out. Despite that, we couldn’t take living there anymore and we left, but I guess what I’m saying is is that teatards are actually like vermin. The battle against them is long, arduous, and seemingly impossible, but before condemning the house (or state/country in this case) we need to release some vermin hunters first (like myself and perhaps more moderate people like Dale Schultz), to try and take back what is rightfully humanity’s. You see, teatards are not really part of humanity. They fight against it in the most oxymoronic display of foolish loyalty to the powers that be (corporations, religion, totalitarian government). Wait a minute. Are they zombies? Whatever they are, they empower civilization’s decline, destruction and failure, so as a result they should be afforded the same respect we don upon our vermin and insect and I guess zombie friends… complete and utter decimation. Merciless eradication. Unending hunting. I just wish my cats were bigger and more aggressive. Gotta admit, I like mice way more than teatards. Way more.

Zombie or Kim Simac? Is there really any difference? Oh wait, there is. Flesh eating zombies are vastly more rational and productive toward the betterment of civilization.

Anyway, I’ll admit I was surprised at Holperin’s victory over that tea tardy candidate Kim Simac. Really surprised. And he didn’t just beat her. No, no, no… he didn’t stop there. Jimbo fucking crushed Bimbo. She didn’t even come close. What was it, a ten point spread? That’s fantastic. The 45% retarded population that DID vote for her only prove my point. She was a REPUBLICAN candidate. She wasn’t really a tea tardy candidate, not by a long shot. Seriously, I still can’t quite get my head around how a district that went overwhelmingly for Walker in November voted for Holperin. Way to survive TWO recalls, senator. This victory is truly the one and only grand result from the summer of recalls. It has restored just a tiny bit of my “faith”. Don’t worry, a deluge of optimism will not be flooding my soul and subsequent entries. It will NOT take the Zorn out of the Sturm.

Now before any smart conservatards (I know, right?) try and remind me, I’m well aware that Holperin is fairly moderate, and even though moderation tends not to produce results and I don’t necessarily agree with how it is implemented in the political scene, it is vastly better than extremism… on ANY side. Though I still maintain my stance that leftist extremism is indisputably less destructive than that born from the right. In fact, I don’t think leftist extremism goes anywhere near as far from center as the right’s. Ever heard of a Glenn Beck equivalent from the left? Didn’t think so, assholes.

So at least poor Kim lost. Maybe now she’ll hang out exclusively at House of Boo’s (how incredibly clever!) bar in that glorious redneck shithole  Eagle River, WI she calls home. From this day forth I’d love to see her drown her teatarded dreams in Boo’s (Hahaha! I can be clever too! See what I did there? Jah? Fucking amateurs). In the end though, this summer only proved one thing: partisanship has grown and this state is irreparably divided. There will be no quick heals, no holding hands and hugging our neighbors. There will be no forgiveness and forgetfulness (I hope) despite Scat Wanker’s attempts to appear bipartisan. Trust me, this mega-turd is incapable of being in the middle, unless it’s in a sex sandwich with Davie and Chuckie Koch on a big pile of blood money. Maybe with Glenn Beck watching as he scours the book of mor(m)on for reasons why the right’s behavior is good and pure and just? Newsflash kooky cock fer Christ… it isn’t.

As for me, I know I whined and sulked and had a tantrum about this election. I’m still pissed. I still want heads to fucking roll. Hey! I never claimed I could be rational all the time. With insane brilliance and literary fucking genius comes the occasional instability. There’s a fault line right through me that snaps every once in awhile, releasing all the pent up energy. I’d rather deal with an occasional 2.9 than that one 9.8. So I’ll keep on writing. I’ll continue to deliver unto the masses my magnanimous prolegomenon. I’ll still attack the retard right every time they step out of line, but I’m mighty tired of hyper-focusing on the failures of this political age run into the ground by the conservatards and their teabagger leeches. It is disgusting. It is taxing. It is exhausting. It is disheartening. So I’m going to pull back from the political world a bit and sometimes address the plethora of other shit that pisses me off. So that’ll be fun, huh?

Pissed,

Sturm

"God dammit!"

"Derpa derp dee derpiddy derp!"

Just wanted to spread this picture around the internets. I’m not going to rant about Governor Goofy, as this picture alone says more than I ever could, even without a wordy caption. Holy shit this guy is embarrassing. How is he able to stay the blade across his wrist when he looks at his lazy eyed, ridiculous face in the mirror every morning? Now that’s freely-eyed determination!

In the battle against the corporate elite and their racist, illiterate, bigoted shitwit followers (neo-cons, teabaggers, “fiscal conservatives”), there is little we as individuals can do. Voting got us in the shit state of affairs we are in. Protesting merely burns calories. Reaching across the aisle results in bite marks. Talking to the opposing side results in… well nothing. That’s why I’m holding out hope for the friends of the underdogs to come through, those cyber Robin Hoods, Anonymous. These are the genius computer “nerds” that attacked those companies that opposed Wikileaks. Surely you’ve heard of their inspirational attack on scientology:

"What do you mean my personal data has been sold to a poor farmer in Gambia? Isn't there anything I can do? I'm rich!... I'm not any more? No... wait... don't take the suit! It's a one-of-a-kind lined with Mexican baby skin!"

These fucking videos they make give me chills. I fucking love them (I promise to address my special hatred for scientology later). Anonymous supports the availability of information. They defend the little people against corporate criminals. These are the guys that told Sony: “Your days are numbered.” These intrepid souls bully the bullies. They are the new age heroes, and I commend them wholeheartedly. I have been waiting patiently since February to hear any updates on their latest target, that diabolic duo, that terrifying two-some, those putrefied partners… The Koch bros.

The linked Koch story is old, but hopefully we will hear something on the matter before long. I simply cannot wait for someone to bully these fucking assholes. There is no justifying the Koch brothers (or any creature like them). They are indefensible. Oooh, they gave shit tons of money to the performing arts. Big fucking deal. It’s probably so they would be assured that the ballerinas would sit on their laps after the show, hoping the presence of tight assed beings sitting on them would create a slight twinge in their flaccid peckers. Davie and Chuckie have spent years bullying and now they are finally being targeted by “the little guys.” It makes me happy. Hell, it makes me thrilled.

I’m sure many will say that to support Anonymous is to welcome hackers of all types, insidious or otherwise. Let me tell you something. Those villainous hackers will be there regardless, inspiring havoc and feeding off the defenseless. It’s just nice to have some of these guys on our side for once, fighting a justified fight. A righteous fight. Every now and again you’ll get a rogue hacker, but Anon has said from the start that’s not their game. They didn’t do the latest Sony Hack, and even if they did, they weren’t doing it to get credit card data. That’s neither their style nor their goal. The prize they seek is the prize of freedom of information, of democracy, of a level playing field. They are great people, worthy of incredible respect and admiration. I always salute any Guy Fawkes mask I see. I only wish they could take a moment from far more important fights to help an underdog like me get more traffic for this wee little blog. Catch you soon.

Woof,

Sturm

A simple mirror. Nothing special. $1.99 at Target. It will defend against the highest tech weaponry the U.S. Navy has to offer. Don't leave home without one, ladies and gents!

Ah, American imperialism. The wasting of money in the name of defense, in the name of homeland (in)security. This is the stuff of legend. There is no country too large for us to roll over in a quick wave of military force. And now we have super space age weapons on our side. Lasers! How fantastic. How powerful! How unbeatable! After a minute or so of a concentrated, uninterrupted, focused laser beam, our fearless fightin’ navy boys can set a boat engine on fire. There’s no stopping us now! Wait. What’s that the enemy placed around their motors? Mirrors. God dammit. Shut it down, guys. $30 billion in research just got sidelined by a $2 vanity product. How’s that for a military conquest?

Seriously. These fucking morons at the pentagon should have hired me. I learned about mirror defense (and subsequent offense) when I played laser tag in junior high. Reflect the attack back and try to hit those that attacked you. What a bunch of amateurs these military researchers are. Only the teabaggers and people that like watching NASTARD would get excited about this pile of meaningless bullshit. Perhaps 5 year olds too, you know, the demographic that actually likes Jar Jar Binks? I see nothing but failure in their futures.

Peace,

Sturm

"Meesa soooo happy. Meesa no longer dumbest creation in aaaaaaall history. Thankee Pentygon."

When you look at this picture, equivalent to an area of the sky the size of a grain of sand held at arm's length and see all these hundreds of galaxies bigger than our own, can you honestly rationalize that your children are the center of the universe? My language has NO affect on the outcome of this unimaginably large universe. Get over yourselves.

During my going on two weeks of ranting and yelling outside of the neo-con senators’ windows and those of Governor Goofy, I have been relatively clean. I think I said asshole twice, in the following sentence: “I have two jobs, legislators. By night, I wipe assholes. By day, I come down here and berate them.” I said that ONCE, without any precious children around to hear. In all my hours down there, I’ve been harassed less by Governor Goofy’s silent majority than by parents and their delicate sensibilities. Yesterday, one parent attacked me for calling the neo-cons idiots. “There are children here,” he said. “I told him I’m fighting for those children. What are you doing?”  Seriously. Have the children of this country become so delicate that the word idiot will damage them irreparably? I’m sorry, but kids are fucking and sucking and swearing (words I couldn’t even imagine) by the time they are 7 sometimes. My language (or lack thereof actually) is no threat. The threat is pussified parents that can’t stand up and take responsibility for their own children. They need to scapegoat their inadequacies onto people like me, who ironically are helping to protect the future of their children. It’s people like me that are actually courageous enough to make a stand, personal consequences be damned. Maybe you should be teaching them to stand up for their rights, to engage in politics and make a difference, instead of being a coward who hides behind the thin, pathetic veil of parenthood. Gotta run, people. Gonna go to the doctor while my insurance is still affordable and then I’ll be back downtown. Oh, and for all you sensitive parents whose precious children are now out of ear shot. FUCK YOU, ASSHOLES!!!

Peace,

Sturm

Here it is. Here’s the only hope I fear we have against these conservatards and their inane goals of global domination, fiscal insanity, racism proliferation, and religious dominion. This is my new hero. God speed lonely, tumbling dude. You’re almost home.