Many weeks ago… May 26 to be exact… I predicted the rise into the GOP presidential ranks of another idiot from Texas, the state that has brought us nothing good that I can think of off hand.  Man does it suck being right. The last thing this world needs is another world leader from Texas. This guy is it though, the GOP’s answer to all that is unholy in their wicked regime. He’s got it all. He’s the man they’ve been waiting for, searching for, dare I say praying for? How you ask? Well, let me tell you.

He believes in killing without conscience: Rick Perry is a major proponent of the death penalty. Now I’m one that can actually understand the blood lust that comes with being the victim of a heinous crime. Hell, if anyone in my family or any of my friends was raped or murdered or equally transgressed, I would desire nothing more than the torture, dismemberment, and death of any and ALL involved. In fact, I’d want to be the one holding the rusty butter knife… or maybe a fork. Which would hurt more when severing a ballsack? But you see, Rick Perry believes in the swift, the unconditional, the indiscriminating use of said penalty. He cannot be bargained or reasoned with, even in the event undeniable evidence comes to light to exonerate the sentenced. I’m sure you’ve heard of Cameron Todd Willingham? It really, truly does NOT surprise me that the southern “justice” system fucked up the case. I’m sure this shit happens all the time. Rednecks and bible thumpers are incapable of justice. Undoubtedly all members of southern law enforcement/prosecution are guilty of  the following listed on The Innocence Project’s website:

"Yuppers, I order the execution of retards. What? No, not teabaggers. It's hard to tell the difference sometimes I know, but not them. I'll need their "independent" votes come 2012."

•    Employing suggestion when conducting  identification procedures
•    Coercing false confessions
•    Lying or intentionally misleading jurors about their observations
•    Failing to turn over exculpatory evidence to prosecutors
•    Providing incentives to secure unreliable evidence from informants
•    Withholding exculpatory evidence from defense
•    Deliberately mishandling, mistreating or destroying evidence
•    Allowing witnesses they know or should know are not truthful to testify
•    Pressuring defense witnesses not to testify
•    Relying on fraudulent forensic experts
•    Making misleading arguments that overstate the probative value of testimony

It’s the south people. It’s the religious. It’s what they do best. Fuck shit up that is. Divide, discriminate, and denigrate. Yeeeeehaaaaa! Never mind the blazing contradictions against their religious stupidity. Thou shalt not kill, remember? Oh wait. That’s why they wrote the addendum years ago that said “an eye for an eye.” Seriously, what have those southern assholes given us? Coke, Wal-Mart, tobacco, and NASTARD? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Nothing. Thanks for the assist, jack asses. Texas is a waste of a state. As my Madison Minotaur rugby friends sang after they crushed Texas in a tourney: “The stars at night… are big and bright… (clap, clap, clap clap) deep in the heart of Texas… We execute minors… and retards too… (clap, clap, clap, clap) deep in the heart of Texas.” Yeah. You heard me right. Developmentally delayed people are strapped to the electric chair by these abominations of conscience in Texas. Fuck Texas.

He believes in American centrism: For all you teabaggers (a.k.a. republicans), this means that he believes, like you all believe, that the United States is the greatest country on the planet and that nothing… fucking NOTHING… can or will stand in our way. It means you believe we have the right to do whatever, whenever, to whomever no matter the consequences. It’s the typically banal GOP drivel that is dangerous on so many levels. “We are the greatest nation and all other nations should strive, under threat of force, to become as we are,” shriek the conservatives. These beliefs are the bread and butter of the conservative movement. They always have been and they always will be. Yeah, I hate to be the bearer of bad news to you mentally fragile fuckers, but the U.S. is NOT the greatest country on the planet. In fact with people like you in our ranks, we are swiftly sinking to the bottom. Your leader Rick Perry has his sights set on sealing this fate.

He believes Medicare/Social Security are UNCONSTITUTIONAL: Do I really need to readdress this shit? That noise you hear is just the GOP’s wardrum thundering on, summoning the shit storm of ignorance. All I can say about this is, if Rethugs and teabaggers and corporate Dimocrats believe this, if they TRULY believe this then they must immediately and without complaint drop all of these benefits and return all SPENT and unspent money to the federal government. Right now shit wits. And this, I might add, includes but is NOT limited to their elderly grandparents in nursing homes and their alcoholic and obese parents who are insulin dependent diabetics and their war veteran friends dependent upon supplemental programs after losing both legs in a bullshit war waged by… a conservative! Seriously, I don’t give a fetid shit what your situation is. Give it all up assholes. Time to pay out of pocket. Put your money where your flappy fucking mouths are.

"Praise Jeebus! Hallelujiah! Slay the heathens! Die muslims! Cure my loved ones! God bless 'merica! God bless you Governor Perry! Help me win the lottery! Make my diabetes go away! If you let me sniff this chick's panties, I'll go to church more! I pray for the non-believers to enjoy gnashing their teeth while burnin' in hell! Hey, we're nice, we're prayin' fer dem. Uh doi. Derpa derp!"

He believes prayer is the answer to all our woes: Yup, another deluded religious dim wit. Actually Rick, prayer is the REASON for a lot of our woes. Can you believe this wannabe cowboy held a fucking prayer rally in Houston for all his holier than thou asshole compatriots in Jesus’s imaginary army. Sigh. Prayer is bullshit people… well actually it might momentarily make you feel better when you’re having a panic attack in the middle of the night because you realize that your life is a meaningless heap of armadillo feces. But you know why said life is meaningless? Because you spent your whole day fucking praying.

Let’s take a moment to compare anyone who believes prayer exacts actual change and… well… me. Let’s just use those suffering horribly in Sudan with the constant political upheaval to illustrate my point (not that conservatives or religious right wingers would give a shit about another country’s suffering people). Prayer boy (or girl) will sit in a room all day and pray for them while I’ll play Dead Island for the same amount of time. Guess who will have done more to help the conflict? Neither of us! We’ll both have been selfish, oblivious assholes who sat on our asses doing nothing for the greater good, only something that merely served to make us feel good. You know what prayer is? It’s video games for the religious. Wow, I just figured that out.

But you know in the end, I actually do do more than all of these praying dolts combined, because I network and I donate money and I write about these things on the internets, bringing attention to them for a small part of the world to see. But guess what else? All 30,000 of those assholes in Rick Perry’s childish army have nothing on me because I  actually worked caring for the sick and injured at the hospital for those 7 hours they spent praying and I accomplished FAR more. And I wiped asshole. I cleaned up shit. Even if that’s all I did it was more than those prayerful assholes! Trust me. Prayer… means… nothing. Just ask the descendents of jews, gypsies, croats, and various other dissenters who were starved, over-worked and then either gassed or cremated alive during WWII what they thought of the Vatican’s assistance through prayer. I think they’d say they would have rather had a ball of rice air dropped to them.

What scares me most is that Rick Perry is vastly more religious and as a consequence vastly more dangerous than that fellow Texan moron GWB. Remember him? You see, what goes hand in hand every time with the extreme religious right, with the dim witted religious zealots in our midst, is the belief that the muslims (or anyone that doesn’t believe in their deity) is the enemy. EVERYONE. That includes you and me, my secular friends. But it’s even more scary because if  and WHEN this man ascends to the White House, he will carry this belief with him and use it to antagonize, irritate, and eventually wage war upon our muslim (fuck ALL religion) brethren. He only needs a flimsy “excuse” like his GOP predecessor. It’s called dominionism, people, and it is scary as fuck. Listen, I don’t give a shit what tone your skin is, if you base your daily actions on an imaginary misogynist in the sky, if HE (it’s ALWAYS a he) tells you what to do and how to behave, then you are mentally ill and should seek treatment immediately. You are not fit for human consumption. In fact, you should quarantine yourself in a prayer bunker and await those “end times”. I betcha Ricky’ll join y’all!

He denies science: Climate change is bogus… the earth is six thousand years old… god put us here to use everything however we see fit. See how his religious beliefs segue perfectly into this? They’re almost one in the same. He may not come outright and admit he believes the earth is 6k years old, but I’d wager that he sways that way for fear of his hyperactive child god’s sadistic and petulant temper tantrums. If you deny climate change trends that are PROVEN (whatever the “cause”), then you are a moron and have no place in the creation of policies that should ultimately better our lives and the life of this living, breathing planet. Like climate change, it is a proven trend that conservatives are incapable of bettering anything, except their rhetoric, bank accounts, and gun collections. Period.

The terror alert has been cemented at orange until the GOP eradicates all of these terrorists that threaten their scorched earth agenda. We need to crush this goose steppin' socialist mother fucker pictured here!

He believes the environment is second to humans: Like ALL GOPers, Rick believes cleaning and protecting this planet to ensure it is left a better place when we die is bullshit. He has ALWAYS voted against environmental regulations during his three term goobernatorial stent, especially if they threaten to even minimally impact the economy of the state under his charge. The only time he’ll get fired up in that special, charming Texas way is when he can gain something. Hell, even that moderate, ineffectual asshole Obama is guilty of this. Barack voted against regulating CFC’s for fuck’s sake. But guv Rick’s record is abysmal to say the least. He is waging war on the environmentevery day. His decisions about Texas’ environment are geared simply towards bucking the Feds riding his state’s ass and to also make it easier for his corporate supporters to create whilst they derate. Do you think he would ever lift his pen to protect endangered species or clean water or delicate ecosystems in Texas let alone the US? Hell no. “Fuck ’em,” he’d shriek. “They need to get out of our way!” In fact, this GOP asshole (and other GOP morands) have sued the EPA. That’s a bold and blatantly ignorant move. Now I agree, the EPA isn’t perfect (it IS a government institution after all), but I believe it is moving society in the absolute right direction. We have to do something. It has to start a decade ago. Humans (namely politically right wing humans) aren’t going to change out of the goodness of their hearts because there is no goodness in those hearts. You know what is so freakishly ironic about the GOP (and teabaggers by default) and their war on the environment? It is that they are an integral PART of that environment they so blatantly attack and abuse and discard like that sweaty, sunburnt Mexican hooker from Ciudad Juárez. In the end, when it goes down, they go down. It really is that elementary you fucking GOP simpletons.

He believes government is bad: Another oxymoronic trend that could only be exemplified with such perfection by the useless GOP, the party of inbreeders, sociopaths, and of course teabaggers. Government gives these politicians their power. Conservatives in particular seek political office for simple reasons: to weaken regulations and strengthen their stranglehold on mother earth and its living citizens. This chest thumping “government is bad” chant is getting really fucking old. It comes loudest from the teabagger leeches. As I said above, morands, if government is so bad, then you need to immediately forgo ALL of your nasty government benefits and venture out on your own. That’s no problem for sociopathic rich people like the Koch bros or Rick Perry, but for the inane in the membrane middle class teabagger types who vote republican with 100% unfailing accuracy, it would spell disaster. How are you going to pay for your weekly detox in the hospital you short-sighted idiots? No idea? Didn’t think so. The mere fact that you remember to breathe amazes me to no end.

Walls. Securing ignorance at all costs. Preventing the infiltration of compassion, rationalism, and progressivism is essential to prevent the crumbling of New Texas's foundation.

He believes Texas should secede from the union: Well, Rick. You got me there, because I also happen to believe that you wastes of oxygen should secede. Clean up this country. Make it a more perfect union by dropping out. Wage war on your own. Destroy the lives of your own insignificant redneck citizens and leave the rest of us out of it. Actually, maybe Austin could become its own state. Or maybe it could be like an embassy of sensibility in a sea of ignorance. Seriously though, a possible future president believes that a state he governs should secede? How is he even a fit leader when he holds tight to such antebellum American beliefs. It’s ridiculous. It reminds me of that Alaskan bimbo’s husband being a loud ‘n proud member of the secessionist party. Pathetic. How much do you want to bet he has an annual pray-in at the Alamo to offer his respects to a bunch of dirt bags who died defending… well, dirt. See you later, Texas. Can’t wait to see that 6,000 mile wall rise to protect you from big bad Mexico and the United States of Heathenism.

He leads the war on illegal (and probably legal) immigration: This too is a snide and skew war call of the GOP. I’m not even going to address it except to say that the only answer the GOP has ever or will ever offer to “solve” this issue is to racially profile. To stop people without cause only because their skin is too dark. Guess what? Parisians and Berliners can be illegals and their skin is white. Ah yes, grand pappy would be so proud of y’all. Racist assholes. If you’re such altruistically and non-racially motivated concerned citizens, then petition mega corporations like Wal-Mart to stop hiring illegals illegally. Again, it’s that elementary you GOP simpletons. Oh wait, that takes foresight and responsible action. Just keep building your stupid wall I guess. That’ll “git er done!”

Only the finest footwear will do for a Repube president as he stomps upon civil liberties, the poor, the downtrodden, and baby penguin heads.

Well, that about does it for now. There is plenty more to be dug up on this dull shootin’ Texas cowboy, but my brain is sore from his blatant ignorance. My soul has started to tremble just a wee bit from the thought of this creature leading this country come 2013. I can’t think of a more dangerous scenario. Sure, maybe Bachmann would be stupiderp, but at least her ignorance and constant gaffs would prevent her from exacting disastrous change. But Rick Perry is vastly more threatening. On day one he will arrive stomping in his shit kickers making wicked changes left and right. Our fuzzy friends and their homes and water supply will be fucked. Secular government will be a distant memory. Responsible corporate policy will be a pipe dream (more than it already is under that fucking asshole Obama). Necessary social programs will become fossilized memories on display for a new world order to gawk at. The concept of peaceful co-existence will be the stuff born of writers of future fiction. Rick Perry. You are dangerous. You are deplorable. You are the true enemy of civilization, both you and your ilk. In my non-humble opinion, you are developmentally delayed (or retarded as they say in your state of Texas). Wait a minute. Rick Perry is dangerous and “retarded”. Why then haven’t you put him in the electric chair yet, Texas? I say kill two turds with one throne.

So as some 9.1 million (or 47%) of Texans would say:

Paz gilipollas,

Sturm

P.S. I know not all Texans are bumbling idiots (a.k.a. Austin), that’s why I have “faith” that they will be able to read between the lines. For you see, they’re a fuck ton smarter than the idiotic Republican citizens of their state and they know exactly what I’m talking about.

"Me tea party! Me no Republican! Me independent voter! Me vote Rick Perry 2012!"

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