“Hey hosers! Let’s get retarded up here too, eh?!” Even in another country the conservatards look as dumb as they think. Do you think Stephen Harper’s toupee is made from baby seal fur? Only the freshest clubbed seal is good enough for the hard right!

Well, the one North American bastion of hope has fallen to the hard right as well. The conservative Canucks have taken 40% of the vote. It looks like this entire continent is being consumed by the retard red. I know, I know. Many will say that the Canadian conservatives are quite different than the  American conservatives. No they’re not. American and Canadian conservatives have deep inroads. I’ll give each of you a loonie/toonie and my tuque if I’m wrong. Do yourself a favor and search for the Council for National Policy (CNP). All I need to say is it was founded by that religious dolt Tim LaHaye who penned the ultra crappy Left Behind series about the end of the world through unimaginative christian eyes. These shady fuckers, who are hell bent on the devastation of all that is not religious and even remotely in the benefit of humanity, are everywhere and they armed Canadian conservatards to help with this crushing victory. Billionaire christian conservatives. A plague to end all plagues.

My favorite (and proof positive) for why Canadian conservatives are NO different than their American role models, is the one short and sweet paragraph: While Harper’s hold on Parliament has been tenuous during his five-year tenure, he has managed to nudge an instinctively center-left country to the right, gradually lowering sales and corporate taxes, avoiding climate change legislation and promoting Arctic sovereignty.

Hmm… Arctic sovereignty. Whatever could that mean? Oh right, slay any seal, polar bear, tern, or pesky Inuit that gets in the way of our oil. These are neither fresh ideas nor surprising to me. They are typical conservative plays, even in a land not so far away. So, like here in the U.S., the Canadian conservative goals are to:

1) shift their country more right as time goes on (check).

2) decrease corporate accountability and 3) increase corporate benefits (check and check).

4) solve financial constraints by (minimally) cutting taxes to the (easy to please) masses (check).

5) fuck the environment whilst denying science (double check).

6) promote dependency on fossil fuels without the slightest regard for the ultra-sensitive arctic environment (check that shit, bitches).

Glaciers. Far less stubborn and vastly more reasonable than cancervatives. The only similarity is that when both are done with the earth, there ain’t a fucking thing left. At least earth can recover from the reign of a glacier.

Now Harper claims he won’t shift the country hard right. Yeah right. What a joke. Of course he won’t do it in one election cycle. He, like every other conservative piece of shit in existence, is moving ignorance across this continent like a glacier… slow, destructive, and completely unstoppable (except by global warming, hmmm… Catch 22 anyone?). You can’t tell it’s moving, but when it is done make no mistake, there ain’t a fuckin’ thing left. Eat shit, Canada. I thought you were smarter than this. Guess I was wrong.

So it looks like I’ll have to ship off continent (not that anywhere else will be free of these fuck puppets before long). Ignorance, the greatest weapon of mass destruction in history, has found its way into the hands of the canucks. I better put on my runners, get off the chesterfield, grab a couple double-doubles and head out of here. Perhaps I can take my chances with the drug cartels and their wicked war down in Mexico. At least I’ll have a fighting chance there. I’d prefer to be beheaded by a machete instead of a glacier anyway.