“Just kickin’ back chillin’. It’s good to finally be human.” Hey there Joe camel… I mean fellow human! You’re showin’ a lot of toe!

Well it’s started. The floodgates have been opened. The formal war on human rights begins… now. Corporations have begun their new lives as humans.

The tobacco giants are suing the government for forcing them to put images on their cigarettes. I can almost get behind them on forcing them to promote the government’s anti-smoking message, that doesn’t bother me. The most chilling part of this article is the following spin:

He (the lawyer defending the cigarette companies) added that the new labels would violate the companies’ free-speech rights under the first amendment to the constitution.

The constitutional right to free speech. Is anyone else concerned about this skewing of the constitution, a document created to protect actual fucking people from persecution? Fuck your life if you’re not. You know, it was the government that foolishly gave corporations this new found constitutional freedom because of the greedy, the ignorant, the cruel, and/or the subservient who voted to allow this. Remember that little referendum we had in April? No, not the one on Walker through the re-election of Dave “choke a bitch” Prosser. The one that would allow money to be considered free speech? That corporations are considered human and would be afforded all the civil liberties as actual fucking humans? Remember that one? The one I told you to vote YES on? Yeah. This bullshit law suit is the result of those types of referendums and it makes a chill descend upon me. If you voted NO on that referendum, shame on you. You are a short-sighted ignorant asshole who doesn’t deserve the oxygen you’re consuming. Trust me, this piddly lawsuit is just the beginning. We are in for a rough ride, people. How much do you want to bet that every teabagger supported the drafting of this bullshit amendment? I hope they suffer horribly as a result.

So if corporations now have to be treated like humans, then how will that affect their tax codes? Will they finally have to pay income tax? That’s expected of humans. It goes hand in hand with our rights. Will they be required to have some 30% skimmed off of the top of their earnings like me and everyone else… except, of course, for the super rich? Speaking of the super rich, even my long time hero Warren Buffett has called bullshit on the mega-rich, demanding higher taxes on himself and those in his league. Holy shit I love that guy. He gives me a philanthropic super boner. Anyway, if they don’t have to pay more taxes, then I believe I will take the liberty of deciding that since humans and corporations are now interchangeable, that I am going to incorporate myself. I will enter myself into a completely different tax code and enjoy the sweet life of mega loans, tax breaks,  elaborate parties, government bailouts, and golden mother fucking parachutes when I fail for shit decision making that drives me to bankruptcy. You know, I think I’ll talk to a lawyer next week. I think everyone should. Let’s take control of this situation and fuck the government hard for even proposing this amendment. Let’s make them rip this bullshit amendment right out of the CONstitution.

I know. It’s a pipe dream. It’ll never happen, not with this corporate government destroying all hope of civility. And yes, I hold Obama partially responsible. His political moderation should be mistaken for NEITHER responsible nor compassionate leadership. He should repeal that dangerous, bullshit legislation, but he won’t. He is a corporate tool, maybe not as dangerous as the Republican ones in power, but he still is. It’s clear that corporations won’t ever be held accountable. Remember BP’s influence on the gulf? Remember how president Obama stepped up on that one? Remember the amazing job that guy did taking BP to task? Yeah, right. I don’t think those broken dolphin and pelican families have received any substantive reparations yet. We’re still waiting…

“Nope. I been thinking. I love my corporation friends. I just had BP and Enron over for beers. They’re good guys. I’m gonna have to go with Mitt on this one. As if my political moderation hasn’t been proof enough. Don’t be so naive.”

At least that’s one thing the Republican candidate and Obama will have in common in 2012. The belief that corporations should be protected under the constitution, that they are indeed people. Mitt “the twit” Romney admitted his belief outright at the Iowa State Fair. If you don’t want to read the article, here is the exchange between the wise fair attendees and the mor(m)on jack ass:

When Romney began to ruminate on how he would not “raise taxes on people,” the Iowa activists shouted: “Corporations!”

As the crowd began to cheer on the idea of taxing corporations that enjoy the benefits of government bailouts and subsidies without — in all too many cases — giving anything back, Romney became incensed.

The former corporate CEO shouted: “Corporations are people, my friend.”

The crowd shouted: “No, they’re not!”

“Of course they are,” replied Romney.

Fucking hell all of this is just creepy. That we even have to debate about the humanity of corporations frightens and angers me. Not that I expected anything of moral substance from a mor(m)on. You wanna wage a jihad on my civil rights? You wanna start the crusades part two against my fellow human beings’ HUMAN rights? Bring it on. I’ll take your corporation on any day, any time. I’ll die before I admit that “corporations are people too.” They’re not. I don’t give a fuck what that tainted piece of shit document says. The constitution is not the document it was meant to be. It really has become like the bible… addendum after addendum added to make the wicked more powerful and the righteous more oppressed. Game on, bitches! Let’s go to war. I wonder what side that corporate ass kisser… I mean Mister President Obama will be on?


Sturm Von Zorn, Inc.