"Shibbidy bibbidy floppity gop. Wonkity slappity doodie doo wop. Nippity zippity flip flim flonts. Shimmy dimmy ding dang mein doodle schwanz." You have been listening to the abridged work of Ayn Rand, the Republican party's great philosopher.

Some call her a literary genius. Others a philosopher. Extremely misguided others even go so far as to call Ayn Rand the most influential philosopher of the twentieth century. Yeah. Sure. Check this out:  “Thanksgiving is a typically American holiday…The lavish meal is a symbol of the fact that abundant consumption is the result and reward of production.” Hmmm. Do these words sound like they come from either a literary genius or a philosopher, let alone the most influential philosopher of the twentieth century? No. She just sounds like a greedy, gluttonous asshole (conservative American). If you said yes, then you are most likely a teabagger and can stop reading post haste. For everyone else, thanks for remaining tied to reality. That quote was just one tiny sampling of Ayn Rand’s rambling… I mean “philosophy.” Seriously, Any Rand is no more of a philosopher than Charles Manson. “You eat meat and you kill things that are better than you are, and then you say how bad, and even killers, your children are. You made your children what they are….” That quote there? That is indeed from Chuck, the psycho fuck they keep interviewing every now and then because society is filled with a bunch of sadistic bastards who can’t get enough. Sadistic bastards like Ayn Rand. Too bad I happen to agree with Charlie that animals are better than we are.

Here are a few more gems, all from Rand’s inflated, self important writing/mouth flapping. Get ready to be enlightened.

The spread of evil is the symptom of a vacuum. Whenever evil wins, it is only by default: by the moral failure of those who evade the fact that there can be no compromise on basic principles.  Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal, 1966. Yawn… The word evil makes me want to take a nap for fucking ever. It’s a term abused by those who really and truly do meet the definition (conservatives, the religious right, mor(m)ons, etc…). “…no compromise on basic principles” Ayn? Is that what you believe? Kinda like GWB and his wicked wars for the sake of earning his pals shit tons of money? Kinda like the south did for so long with the retention of segregation? Kinda like when corporations during your time (and still today) dumped deadly chemicals right into the rivers and streams? Yeah, that’s what I thought. I’m gonna have to call bullshit on your “philosophical greatness.” You wouldn’t know morality if it was a tank full of napalm dropped on you and your entire village.

The argument from intimidation is a confession of intellectual impotence. The Virtue of Selfishness, 1964. Sigh… Since she’s dead, I’ll translate. What Ayn means is if you disagree with her limited understanding of… well, fucking everything… then you are intellectually impotent. Typical conservative dribble. If Rebecca Kleefisch, the lieutenant governor of this shit state, told me that the earth was created by god six thousand years ago and I stood outside her office window calling her a fucking moronic retard (which I have) for believing so and then commenced to instruct her that no, Becky, it is actually billions of years old and formed from compressed space dust and gas orbiting the sun, ALL of which resulted from an exploding star, does that mean I’m intellectually impotent? Strike two Ayn.

It is not advisable, James, to venture unsolicited opinions. You should spare yourself the embarrassing discovery of their exact value to your listener. Atlas Shrugged, 1957. Hrrmph… So why then do you venture yours?

That which you call your soul or spirit is your consciousness, and that which you call ‘free will’ is your mind’s freedom to think or not, the only will you have, your only freedom, the choice that controls all the choices you make and determines your life and your character. Atlas Shrugged, 1957. Blah, blah, blah… too bad your followers don’t “think” shit through. Could save us a lot of continued death and dismemberment. I guess thinking (or the lack thereof) really DOES determine their life and character. You got something right. One quarter point for Ayn!

Until and unless you discover that money is the root of all good, you ask for your own destruction. When money ceases to become the means by which men deal with one another, then men become the tools of other men. Blood, whips and guns–or dollars. Take your choice–there is no other. Atlas Shrugged, 1957. Now I don’t believe money is “evil”, not for a second, but for fuck’s sake, Ayn. We get it, the sight of a roll of Benjamin Franklins makes you wet. Money good. Compassion bad. If you’re not rich, you’re somebody’s bitch. She and her supporters will explain it away through rational egoism. Rational my ass. There is NOTHING “rational” about the selfishness of conservatives. It’s not like you’re teaching a battered woman to stand up for herself and be “selfish” by putting herself first for once in her repressed life, you’re talking about taking all for yourself and if others miss out on a piece of the action, then fuck ’em. If the environment whimpers while you take what’s “rightfully” yours, then clear cut and hunt them mother fuckers into extinction. Give it a rest Ayn… oh wait, that’s right. You are… you’re dead after spending plenty of government money on your failed health. What did you spend all your royalties on, cigs and booze?

These bits are just a tiny taste of the “genius,” of the “literature,” of the “philosophy” that is Ayn Rand. Pretty banal huh? And pretty predictable too, don’t you think? Worming its way throughout these and every other quote in her inflated literary repertoire is her devotion to corporate entitlement, her allegiance to conservative ignorance, her dedication to social elitism, and her inability to even try to rise above destructive human selfishness.  You know, the quotes that aren’t plagued by these thoughts that appear more like Cestoidea, are filled with nothingness. They are wordy sentences that in the end don’t say or mean shit.

"Now how did it go... I need to get the depth of her magnanimous words right. Shibbidy... doo hickey bop... No, that doesn't sound right. Shibbidy bipplebee... God dammit! Can I get another three hundred and fifty dollar bottle of wine that I deserve? I'd put it on the taxpayer dime if it wasn't for them nosey liburls. "

Now why am I all fired up about Ayn Rand, you’re asking? Well I’ll tell you. This dead selfish elitist ultra-conservative rusty tool has gathered a new generation of assholes under her banner. The Tea Tardy (not a legitimate party) and the Neo Republican party. Now straight up Republicans can occasionally… I cautiously emphasize OCCASIONALLY… be intelligent (albeit simultaneously ignorant. Or is it oblivious? Uncaring?), but the Tea Tardy members are incapable of this. You see, they cling to these 1168 pages of wasted paper in an attempt to appear intelligent, as if it lends some semblance of intelligent thought to their chants of “fiscal responsibility” with simultaneous endless wars and American centrism and survival of the fittest and “take all their shit, but not mine”. Guess what? It doesn’t. Not even close. They’re still the same ignorant, short-sighted, morandic assholes they were before hearing about Ayn Rand’s book while watching and masturbating to the sadistic misogyny of Mad Men Season 1. Hate to break it to you conservatives, but carrying that book just makes you look stupiderp. Irony’s a bitch, ain’t it teabaggers? Somehow I think Paul Ryan is “smart” enough to know his clinging to Randian “philosophies” is idiotic. Be rich or be a bitch… actually, Paul, you’ve proven yourself to be both.

But despite these floppy headed conservatives not reading and certainly not absorbing  all of Rand’s teachings (thank Jesus Hermano Christ) the things they do choose to cling to are dangerous. Take this quote:

Rationality is the recognition of the fact that nothing can alter the truth and nothing can take precedence over that act of perceiving it. Atlas (yaaaaaaaaawn) Shrugged (I need a nap) 1957.

Seems harmless enough, right? Straight forward? I don’t think so. Sounds like a subset of humanity we are all too familiar with called teabaggers. You see the problem with the fundamental belief behind this quote is, what people see as the “truth” is frequently wrong and far from rational, myself included (except when it comes to my attack upon teabaggers and conservatives, then I’m painfully right). Anyone remember the little old lies that still get perpetuated by the conservatives about the 7 million dollars in damage to the capitol during February’s protests? Remember that “truth?” I do, and when I hear it come out of some conservative’s mouth in all seriousness some seven months later, it makes me want to choke a bitch just like ‘lil Davie Prosser. There is nothing rational about disinformation and distraction and bold-faced lies spouted by the likes of Paul Ryan et al. His allies at Fox News might have the market somewhat cornered in lies and disinformation, but I do NOT give the liberal leaning networks a free pass either. It’s just that their “lies” are far less destructive to the advancement of civilization and this living, breathing planet we happen to take residence upon. The part of that quote that is most chilling, is “…nothing can take precedence over that act of perceiving it.” That sums it up folks. If it smells like truth and looks like truth and feels like truth, then it must be truth dag nabbit! This is the conservative mantra. Do not negotiate. Do not enlighten yourself. Do not abandon archaic beliefs. If you “know” your beliefs are truth, then carry onward as all is well. Jesus told me so.

Even scientists, who base everything on fucking facts, have to admit they are wrong and shift their thinking from time to time. This is what drives science and in turn leads to more discovery and ACTUAL truth. That computer you’re reading this on? Thank a scientist. Take a minute to look at this little tidbit. If you don’t want to read it, it basically says that scientists have witnessed subatomic particles moving faster than the speed of light. One hundred fucking years of Albert Einsteinian “truth” might be turned on its head in the next few weeks folks. I’m sorry, but if brilliant scientists can be wrong , so too can conservatards. Being wrong drives us to improve, to change our thinking, to better ourselves and this planet. Don’t tell that to Ayn Randians though. They’ll blow an aneurysm and suddenly demand the government pick up their hospital tab. Too bad conservatives are never wrong and have no desire to better themselves or this planet. It’s the truth and nothing can take precedence over my act of perceiving it folks. So sorry.

It absolutely disgusts me that a bunch of intellectual lightweights like Scott Fitzgerald and Scott Walker and Paul Ryan and Ron Paul and Michelle Bachmann and Rick Perry and Mitt Romney and Tim Pawlenty and Rick Ass Drainage… I mean Santorum and every single teabagger on the planet are dictating the terms of our future without seeking truth just like their hero dear old Rand. They go on their “guts” like GWB did. You know what, conservatives? Your guts have shit for brains. Literally. You’re all a disgrace and an embarrassment. You’ve sullied this country’s name with your American centrism bullshit for generations to come. You’ve corrupted the international community with your shrieks of imperialism and “divine” right making any and all reluctant to open their borders. You’ve destabilized this country’s financial system with such dubious perfection, blaming it on that current ineffectual president Obama, that there is no telling how long it will take to recover. You’ve delayed protecting the environment of which we are a part of to the point that the scales have tipped to the point where counteraction may be nigh impossible. But hey, at least you got your share of the wealth before all shit broke loose. You guys are all frauds, you know that? Just like that sanctimonious bitch Ayn Rand. You scream about fiscal responsibility and the need to dissolve entitlement programs, but your 30 year dead hero banked on those “entitlements” after she was diagnosed with lung cancer. Your messiah turned out to be a fucking hypocrite. How surprising. How unexpected. A hypocritical conservative. Who’d have thunk?

"Gobble, gobble bitches!"

But you know, I will come to Ayn’s defense on one issue. There is one area where we both whole heartedly agree, and that is that Thanksgiving kicks fucking ass. So teatards, conservatives, neo-republicans, uber pats… whatever you call yourselves. Worry not that your “great philosopher” faded from this world some thirty years ago. There are other philosophers at hand to take her place, to fight on in her ignorant stead. I believe Chuck Manson will be interviewed soon. Certainly he can provide equally potent and “philosophical” ammunition steeped in brilliance for your endless war on compassion, decency, and rationalism. Hey! Don’t hate me for spreading the truth, for adopting rationality. Like Ayn said, “nothing can alter the truth and nothing can take precedence of that act of perceiving it.”  Or maybe I’m just being a “rational egoist.” Whatever it is, it bores me. Fuck me, is it nap time again?