"What's my name? What's my name!? You can call me mutha fuckin' Supa Croc, bitch! My sperm will be passed down for a hundred million fuckin' years! My great grandchildren to the millionth power will be hunting the weak human species."

You know, I hear a lot of people bragging about how bad ass sharks are, and I like them and all, but they just don’t stand up to the sheer awesomeness of the crocodilians of this planet. I’m sure some of those people that masturbate when shark week comes on will say: “But Superzelle! How can you honestly believe that a lumbering reptile is more kick ass than a shark? Sharks are crazy fast, bad ass fish that can shred a human in seconds.” To them I’d say, “Jah. That’s true. They’re pretty sweet predators, but one of my problems with them is that Flipper can kick their fucking teeth in. Dolphins are more bad ass than sharks.” The other reason is that crocs, specifically Australia’s salties are smart. No, not just instinctively smart. They have brains. No, not just a bundle of nerves that create basic reflexes. They have actual cerebral matter. These fucking crocs have developed brains with tissue like humans, tissue that allows them to study, to learn, to remember, to hunt, to fucking survive like no other species’ business. And that fucking death roll. How glorious!

There was a story from Darwin, Northern Territory in Australia where several campers were camping for 12 days. It wasn’t until near the end that a large saltie charged into their camp while they were sleeping and pulled one of the campers out of his tent. Do you know how it did this? It studied the humans. It learned their schedules. It picked the most opportune time to attack its prey. This isn’t behavior born from instinct people, this is intelligence. Raw, unbridled, EVOLVING intelligence. If it weren’t so awesome, I’d say this display was creepy. On top of being smart, these bad asses are fast, strong, and can live without a single bite to eat for one whole year. Being cold blooded, the sun, not just food, can regulate their body temperatures and keep their hearts beating. Their fucking stomachs can digest metal for fuck’s sake. They’re like the terminators of the animal kingdom.

Sigh. I wish humans could be this amazing. Sure, we have powers of analytical reasoning and logic at our disposal IF we so choose to use them, but we don’t. We can’t even stop pissing and shitting in our own water, that’s how stupid we are. We clear cut and allow factories to dump toxins into watersheds and encourage oil companies to spill their commodities all over our oceans because there is NO penalty and expand our cities as far as the eye can see. Hell, at this rate the descendants of Homo Erectus won’t even reach their 2.501 millionth birthday, not even close. Wouldn’t it be something to be around when Super Croc’s great, great, great, great, great, etc. grandchildren grow to be 200 million years old? I wonder how smart they’ll be? By then evolution will have gotten rid of all creationists and unfortunately the more intelligent humans as well. Will crocodilians be the new “human” species? Will their brains have diverged into even larger organs capable of rational thinking and higher reasoning than our own? Will they become a space faring race death rolling anyone that tries to fuck with them? I wish I could meet future super croc. We could talk about how awesome he is and how meek I am. I’d beg to be his friend, to journey with him until the new super viruses of earth eradicate me. Sure, the super crocs of the future might still be shitting in their own water, but the magnificent level of hydrochloric acid in their stomachs will destroy any nastiness within it.

But alas, I’ll have to make do with my fellow inadequate humans with their high caloric needs, their wimpy muscles, their weak stomachs, and their temporarily larger brains. I bid you godspeed into the future, super crocs. If you need my flesh to advance your evolutionary agenda, then I have two words for you: eat me. Just make it quick and painless.

Croikey!

Sturm

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